Poly takes a commitment folks.
…it also takes a lot of gut wrenching honesty to uncover the reasons and to address the core issues.
There’s a full gambit of reasons why folks seek poly:
– “To make up for something lacking.” This also happens to be one of the worst reasons to enter poly. It resonates that there’s problems within the core dynamic – and something to avoid. One wouldn’t buy a car from someone that didn’t have a transmission in it when the expectation going in that this was going to be a functional car at the time of purchase. Same thing here.
– “Gotz to have the threesome.” C’mon guys – quit thinking with your dicks.
– “She said I can have a relationship, you don’t need to worry about her.” or “My significant other doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know.” It’s almost as predictable watching a horror film where the babysitter is about to open up the closet door. We KNOW the bad guy is going to leap out – we know it’s going to startle us – we know our pants will be soiled afterwards – but we almost always keep watching the same thing over and over again because we’re masochistic that way. Same thing here. Anyone keeping their relationship so separate, private, hidden, compartmentalized away is only inviting the day when things go flying everywhere. Who would want to be part of the ticking time bomb knowing it’s just a matter of time before it finally goes off?
– “We have our own separate relationships with other people.” While this can be swinging from the outside observer’s point of view – it can also be deep at times. Chemistry is vital here (and everywhere else – I’ll get into that in a bit) to ensure that everyone remains on the same page. It’s a delicate balance when considering multiple plates and dishes from every component in the dynamic’s range. General point here is: the more complex the dynamics are, the more headaches that are bound to come with it.
No – you’re right – there is no one twue way to have poly. I never said that. But when considering poly – there’s a lot of things to consider. This advice goes to a poly couple and to those who are single about to go into a poly dynamic.
First – “put away the checklists.” Yes – having that connection to of finding someone into flinging spam as a fetish – just might be something that’s important to you … but it’s not the end all be all. So – find some common ground and if there’s a potential interest to going forward – set the checklist aside to work on some of the more critical issues.
Second – “get ready to RAPPLE!” It’s time to have a discussion about Religion, Attitudes, Politics, Philosophy and Life Everyday. RAPPLE 🙂
Third – “talk’em til their ears fall off.” Communication is essential. We all know that. But now you have to consider that you’re having double the conversations now. You have to balance that out and approach it in a way that’s going to be beneficial for everyone. Honesty is always the best policy. The more open you are – the more they’re open – the more information that can be sifted through so that a solid decision can be made before going forward.
Fourth – “Expect it!” Have expectations. Have it clearly defined in your mind before you contact someone on a serious basis. How does the situation you’re approaching match your expectations? What’s the expectations of duration? Life? Next year? Six months from now? Have the conversation about expectations and duration. Let it be known: “Hey I’m interested, but only for the next six months and then we can re-evaluate it then.” Folks forget to include any sense of long-term plans or arrangements.
Fifth – “Gut check!” How much is this going to change my life? Are you going to have to move? Do you need to find a new job? Are you ready to make a leap of faith moment – moving clear across the country for someone who you just met? How sure are you? Do I need my own place? Can I stay there with them? Have we talked about that? This is the harsh down reality folks.
Sixth – “Be honest with yourself from the start.” Something that isn’t feeling right – there’s a reason. Seek out the reason why – and address it. If it can’t be resolved, how much of a flag is it? Is it a deal breaker? Do you have deal breakers? What are they? What are you prepared to do if the deal is broken?
Seventh – “Non-primary significance.” Well it is significance because it’s one of the things we assume. Except if family knows that I’m with danae – then – it might be awkward to hug and kiss on sally mae when danae is in the room – because they don’t understand how poly works. If you’ve outed yourself – you’re leaps and bounds ahead, but if you haven’t – this can be a crippling point knowing you’ll have relations that you may not always be able to express openly unless among like-minded individuals. That takes adjusting if you haven’t already considered that from the onset.
Eighth – “What’s the rush?” Patience in most everything can yield incredible benefits. Set out a long courtship period and spend that time getting to know everyone involved. Especially if this is a longer-term – why make all of these incredibly difficult life-changing decisions on a dime’s notice? Take an appropriate amount of time getting to know all of the things you need/want to know about the situation you’re about to enter.
Lastly – Assume nothing. Assumptions, presumptions and other dangerous -umptions will be the undoing of everything you’re trying to accomplish. Because it’s in your blog from 2010 or in an email you did 6 months ago – get it out there again if it’s important to you.
Some other last minute tips…
Common sense: We don’t always employ it, but if we start smelling smoke wafting in the air – we get up and investigate its source. Why don’t we do it when something feels off about the dynamics we’re in? If something doesn’t feel right – start talking, asking questions, TALK, figure it out. An odd comment usually has some meaning of some kind. Ask why – but do it in a way that’s not going to put them on the defensive.
Searches take awhile: It’s not going to happen easily. There’s bound to be pain involved – and not the good kind either. Be PATIENT. Be thoughtful. Be compassionate. Be true and honest while learning as much as you can by communicating as best you can.
Engage! No, not the Enterprise command for “go” silly. Engage the people you’re interested in. Make sure that they know you’re interest and vice a versa. The more engaging people are in the process, the more investment that can happen if that’s the direction things are heading. It doesn’t mean you have to be overbearing – but think of it this way … if you’re wanting someone’s attention – you sometimes have to let them know of your interest.
Understand: This is not as obvious as folks might think it is. Understanding what kind of poly you’re looking for – is not an easy task. It takes a long time to find the right combination – THEN – you have to find the right chemistry – THEN – you have to find the right parameters, with matching duration, logistics – THEN – you have to invest the time to get to know them, figure out if that’s really the course you want to sail on … and THEN – the odds are still against you unless you get incredibly lucky to find a dynamic that wants you to grow with them – to invest in them as much as they are investing in you.
Growth potential: If you’re considering a long-term situation, then take into consideration that things change. As time passes, we change – we all change. Thus is the situation you’re about to go into seem pliable for growth potential in the duration of the dynamic you’re seeking? Can the complications be met head on and addressed to mitigate issues down range?
The bottom line is that this is far from easy to accomplish. It can take a really long time to develop something even remotely long lasting that requires a LOT of communication, a lot of patience and a lot of long-term planning for something you’re thinking of making quasi-somewhat permanent. Even after you make a pretty successful match it takes an incredible amount of maintenance to make it last long-range. Take time to consider things from as many possible angles as you can. Keep checking with your own core to determine if the situation hits the chords you’re needing and wanting.
It’s just not a crazy dick-influenced three-way … not when you have thoughts, emotions and hearts on the line.