Tips for BDSM Beginners

We are adults and we have to use common sense when diving into BDSM. Will every person use common sense? No, but those doing research and learning more about BDSM before jumping in go and read some safety tips out on the internet. So just thought I would add my 2 cents for beginner BDSMer’s…

1. Know yourself.   Ask yourself some of these questions to help you work on some self-discovery.

  • What is my values?  
  • What is the primary purpose I seek for myself in the lifestyle? 
  • What is the primary purpose I seek in my relationship with my D-type or s-type? 
  • Why am I in the lifestyle? 
  • What are my wants and needs?
  • What do I look for in a D-type or s-type?
  • What to I look for in a relationship dynamic?
  • What 3 things do I consider to be my strongest points or things I excel at?  How can I use those things as a D-type or s-type?
  • What 3 things do I consider my weak points or areas that need improvement?  What can I do to work on improving those things?

You might not be able to answer all these questions right away. Read, talk to people, research and decide what you want. There are so many options and so many things that it can get overwhelming. Talk, write out your thoughts to get them out and evaluate them, discuss with others and keep trying to figure out what exactly you want.

Also remember it’s not set in stone. Sometimes these lines and what you want changes over time.  It is expected and natural so don’t think that you just have one shot at this and you’re done. Have fun exploring all the new thoughts and feelings inside.

2. Find friends you can talk too.  You have decided you have these desires….can you tell your vanilla friends? If not, then start looking for friends in the lifestyle that you can be open with so you can discuss your desires. Being able to have friends as a sounding board for not only your desires, but someone you are interested in is invaluable.   Friends are great at helping you gain perspective or kicking you in the butt when you are acting without thinking.

3. Get Offline and get out.   Find local lifestyle groups to help you explore those desires by talking and learning from others. Getting out and going to local groups helps in finding local friends and eventually potential partners. If you’re invited to a play party or dungeon, then try to go with a friend.  It’s okay to sit and watch a few times to see what it’s about.  Ask the people throwing the party if you can just be a ‘fly on the wall’ because you’re new and just trying to figure out what the lifestyle is about. It is really good to see things in action that you have been fantasizing about.  

4. Meet several times before playing.   Meeting up with a potential partner or play partner? Please set them up as vanilla type dates first.  Meet for dinner or coffee.  Talk and talk and talk more about what you both are wanting and expecting from play or a relationship if that is what you are seeking. Don’t do things that would impair your judgement.  If you are okay with having 2 drinks, but 3 impair your judgement make sure you only have 2 drinks.  When we meet someone that wants to play or you feel a connection with, it is so easy to just jump in with both feet and say lets do it ALL NOW. But again use some common sense…and remember you really don’t know this person yet even if there feels like a lasting connection.  Did you jump into bed with every vanilla guy you dated? If no, then why do it with the d-types or s-types you are meeting for the first time. 

5. Set up Safecalls.  A safe call is when you set up a time to check in with a call to a trustworthy friend. You will call with a code word or phrase to let him/her know the date/play date is going well.  You give that friend all the info you have on your date – real name, phone and anything else…such as photo.  You tell them where you will be and how long you think you will be there.  You can call when you get there, when you leave, and with option for one in the middle just to make sure.  If things are going longer then you thought they would, call and set up another call at certain time.  Even when just meeting for a date or coffee, set up a safe call because you don’t want to suddenly let your desires take over and say yes to someone who is saying, “lets just go play.”  

6. Trust your instincts and be honest with yourself.   Being honest with yourself helps you trust your instincts and vice versa.  If you are feeling off about someone, but they are turning you on, you might ignore that instinct by lying to yourself. So be honest with yourself – does something feel off? Does this person really want the same things you do? Does it feel good sitting having coffee with this person? If not, do you think playing will feel any better?


Now after all these tips, I will say sometimes tips like these won’t make sense for the situation, but again it comes down to trusting your instinct and knowing even with safety tips doesn’t means you are totally safe. Anything can happen.  Just use your head and be honest with yourself.

© within reality: danae 2012 – all rights reserved