SCC: #113 & #17

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #113

– Do you struggle with feelings of insecurity, and if so, what are those challenges?

I think everyone struggles with feelings of insecurity at times. I am not different. Mostly my insecurities come from my chronic pain and not being good enough. I can’t do all I want to do around the house and with just life in general.  So then it builds insecurities that I am not good enough.

– What do you do to get yourself out of a negative train of thought?

Sometimes I just let it happen. I have a good cry, let the negative talk take it’s course. But after a good night sleep and some positive self talk then I can battle it.

– How do you think your D/s role and the role or actions of your Dominant interact with feelings of insecurity?

I usually don’t get insecure feelings from Master.  But early on in our relationship I did always feel he might replace me. It was something that was said during a heated argument and so any time he was disappointed or displeased with me – I would remember what he said and worry.  It was a bad tape playing in my head that I finally stopped. I know Master isn’t getting rid of me. He wants me here. We have been together for 12 years and I am extremely secure of my place in his life.

Prompt Set #17

– What are ways you can be submissive without a partner?

When I was single, I had play partners to fulfill my submissive side. I also served the BDSM community to exercise my service oriented self.

– What role, if any, does meditation play in your life/service?

I have meditated long before I was actively in the lifestyle and serving. I have found it useful for my life as a service oriented slave. When I am overwhelmed or feeling burnt out, mediating can help ground me and center my focus and intention in serving.

– What sort of criteria is there for you to play with someone?

When I was single and had some casual play partners, I looked for smart, strong men that I knew could over power my body as well as mind. I looked for compatibility in kinky desires.  Such as I am a masochist that wants humiliation and degradation and finding sadist at that time that wanted that was hard for me. But at least getting some masochist desires fulfilled was often enough.

– How do you handle denial (sexual denial, refusal of a request, however you want to go with that)?

It often adds to my emotional masochist desires. Being refused I can mindfuck myself with that.

SCC: #112 & #30

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #112

– How do you fulfill the basic human need for socialization within the context of your submission?
I am not sure I understand this question completely. I am going to answer it as best I can from my understanding. We have friends that are kinky and it allows me to be me. I like interacting with other kinky people and need that connection. My closest friends just informed Master and I that they are moving. So I am really having a hard time. They have been so accepting of Master and I. I had a bruise on my face and they didn’t even question it. Before we had a local kinky community and friends, I socialized via the internet. Mostly with blogging and FetLife. I know I am going to miss our local friends that are moving so much as we have grown close.

– If you could host a D/s dinner party, what would be the after dinner activity?

Whatever Master wanted and the other dominants. Most likely a play party.

– What would you do differently in public if D/s were more socially acceptable?

Address Master as Master. I slip every so often, but I wish I could just call him Master all the time.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” -Elbert Hubbard

Love that quote that is included. We have some really fabulous friends here locally. Our closest friends are moving at the end of the summer. I am so sad. We are not only kinky, but we all have similar interests beyond kink. It is huge loss for me. I am blessed for the time I have had wit them and wish them all the luck in their move. I hope we will see each other again.

Prompt Set #30

– What are your thoughts on pain?

I am a masochist. I like the feeling of pain. I don’t think pain really feels pleasurable, but it just is pain and get fulfilment from the pain.

– Do you have any sort of dress code?

I don’t have a specific dress code, but Master has approved every piece of clothing that comes into the house often picking them out himself. We went shopping yesterday as I needed some clothes for Thunder in the Mountains as well as just the summer. He has a fetish for texture and clothing. He likes silky, satiny types of fabric. He likes tight clothing that hugs curves.  A couple of posts where he and I talk about Master’s clothing fetish: Good Will Shopping & Inside: Fashion

– How do you communicate?

Master and I communicate probably to nausea to most people. We talk and talk and talk and talk. We like to be transparent. We don’t like things to be bottled up so we talk.

– What is something you’d really like to try?

I want Master to beat me with a curry comb.

currycomb

A Buttered Roll Crumbled My World

So here is02txt41 something that happened last week….just keeping it real….

I keep a butter dish on the counter most of the time.  On this particular night, we used the rest of the butter in the dish with dinner. So I decided to put the butter dish in the dishwasher and I didn’t get any more butter out. I thought I will get it out in the morning when I unload the dishwasher.

I needed to take a med before bed that I have to eat with so went to ask Master if I could have a roll with some strawberry jam on it knowing I don’t have any butter out.  Now normally I would ask Master if he wanted one and I did, but here is the thing…I really didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one.  I mean really – it was a strong feeling of not wanting to ask. The reason – I didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one because Master likes his roll with butter.  I knew there wasn’t any butter out.  Which meant I was going to have to do a few extra steps (ie: microwave the butter to soften it) to get him his roll. I didn’t want to do it.  I felt the emotions filling me up and I didn’t want to make his roll and serve him in that moment. I just wanted to get myself a roll, take my med and go to bed. I was in a lot of pain as I live with chronic pain, I was tired, and it had just been a long day so doing one more thing was the last thing my brain and body could wrap around and embrace.  It felt like one more thing was making my world crumble away at my feet with the weight of it.  So….that one thing was getting him a roll too.  Silly I know.

He said he wanted the roll. I made it up how he likes and served him it.  I was on the brink of tears as it just felt like I wanted to sit down and cry.  But I also was screaming with anger inside – anger I wanted to direct at him. Not good for a service-oriented slave. I was angry. I was raging inside – not something that is normal for me. Now were there reasons I had that attitude, thoughts and feelings? Yes, but in the end, those can’t be excuses and those reasons really don’t matter to me. I think it is good to trace it back and see where and how they started, but it doesn’t make that anger okay for me. What matters to me is that I had the attitude I did and how to move past it when it happens again.

Now of course, in the past, I have had days of thinking I am too tired and wish he would get that coffee himself.  But usually I move past it quickly by reminding myself I am his slave. It helps me think from my knees as his slave and remind myself that I do want to serve this man so go get the coffee and give it the intention of service.  Because my chronic pain has ramped up the last few months, my brain  is out of alignment and I am learning to cope with some changes in my service.  Just saying I am his slave was what made me go get the roll and serve it to him.  But anger came and that isn’t normal for me.  It surprised me and didn’t like. it

Like I said – I got him the roll. I got mine too, but I went to bed crying.  The main reason I was crying was because I was beating up on myself for not putting aside my anger while getting him the roll. One reason I was beating up on myself was because if I had just put the butter out in another dish earlier. It would have made getting the roll easier and I probably wouldn’t have been so bent out of shape, but I hadn’t so that was making me feel like I failed at serving him properly. Of course, like we often do when we love someone instead of facing our own failures we blame others, which leads to the other thing I was angry about. I was upset because I explained what was going on and he still made me get the rolls for him as it didn’t seem like a big deal to him – which of course it wasn’t a big deal, just my brain was making it a big deal. So I was angry at him. Now I would have been beating myself up 10 times more if he had told me to “forget it” or that he would get the roll himself.  So thankful he didn’t do that, but in the moment, I couldn’t get past my anger.

I am sure many people are reading this going “wow it was a fucking roll that bent you out of shape?”  Yep.  Totally irrational. Silly. Something I am fucking ashamed of letting get to me. But all I can do now is try to learn how to deal with the reasons that are causing the irrational feelings I am having and then how to deal with them when they come up again.

Do I know what I am going to do if it happens again…that swell of anger?  No. I am trying to add in some more moments of meditation to help me deal with the anger. Because ultimately my anger is about my chronic pain.  My chronic pain totally flipped my service upside down.  It will seem like I am really getting better and better at dealing with it and then I have moments like this that trip me up and make me look up from the floor going okay what happened.  It is hard to get up and keep moving forward.  But it is the only thing I can do if I want to serve him and I do. I can’t imagine a life without serving him.  Service is me. It is part of my identity.

So next time….I would love to say there isn’t going to be a next time, but I know better with living with chronic pain…next time I hope to take 5 deep breaths and remind myself where it is coming from and remind myself I am his slave.

His, Not My Own

-written February 13, 2014

I’m finally getting it. I am finally understanding that my body is not my body, my money is not my money, even my rental is not my rental, my car is not my car. I have surrendered my life to a man who I want to be my Master. He hasn’t chosen that, yet, but I want it very badly. Why? I do not know. That is another of those judgments I’m still dealing with. But I do! I want to give my control to Sir in everything. In everything! I want him to control me – through and through.The pussy that I have is Sir’s, not mine.

To spend somebody else’s money without asking is wrong and I would never dream of doing it. I am now learning to ask for the simplest things (e.g., coffee), as it is not my money; it is Sir’s. I’m also taking somebody else’s body places whenever I go somewhere. What right do I have to take it places, if I do not communicate with the owner where I’m taking his body? His submissive. His property.

This is beginning to click, and only began to do so within the last few days. It’s been four months. We just celebrated our 4-month anniversary. And I’m understanding. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow–a shake of the head or a fist pump.

Last night, Sir went to use a rubber band on me. My first instinct, and everything in me, objected. Oh, I wanted it, yes. I did, but I had to complain. I had to flinch. I had to move. How do you not? Then danae told me from across the room to pretend I was a statue. I added onto that in my mind, that I was his statue to do with what he wants. I am Sir’s property and if he feels like marking me with a rubber band, then I should only say, “Thank you for the opportunity.” Because…oh my god…does it feed something in me!

And I do love the bruises. I love it. I don’t view the bruises as I have in the past, as something to show off – something to be proud of – showing that I went thru that trial. Now, the feeling is an amazing and slow-moving warmth filled with love, that he chose to mark me. Sir spoke of a piercing, something I have refused to do because of propriety – because of shyness. In the moment he mentioned it, I found myself not even questioning it. This is his body and if he wants that done, I have no say in this. I don’t want a say in this. I surrender my say, my thoughts, my feelings, my fear, my embarrassment, my concern…to him.

Wow. It is an amazing thing to have this new thought process develop, not necessarily as a natural thing, but as something that I no longer have to force myself to think about. It just started being there. Not that it occurs all the time, trust me! Last night I totally forgot the very first thing I was taught – to ask to eat when in his presence. It is an interesting development, though. I like it – this new way of thinking. I hope it continues to develop.

Expected Guilt, Unexpected Help

Tonight, I came home exhausted to Sir and danae. As I sat down to dinner with them, I couldn’t even form a coherent thought, I was so tired. I began eating the delicious asparagus leftovers, then realized I hadn’t asked permission to eat. This is one of the very first things I learned with Sir.

In frustration and sadness, I threw what was left of the piece of asparagus I had taken a bite of back onto my plate, cussing at myself. I felt my heart sink and the tears well up inside my throat. I had done the same thing last night when we were out to eat. Where was my head? I know I’m tired, but this is such a simple task. My chest hurt and I was afraid to look over at Sir. I did not want to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes.

I had to look, though, for what is an apology if you can’t look the person in the eyes? After a moment of sitting with my head hung in shame and frustration at myself, I took a deep breath, gathering my courage, looked up at him, and said, “I’m sorry.” – those words that are so inadequate, so miniscule in the face of what I feel he deserves.

I did not expect to find a matter-of-fact look on Sir’s face. I did not expect a nod of acceptance to my apology. Where was the sadness? Where was the disappointment? Where was the guilt trip? Where was the anger? Where was the punishment I deserved?

Instead of all of that, Sir calmly said he may have an idea on how to fix ‘this’ and that it was going to cause a reorganization of how we do things. I half-laughed, saying, “I’m scared,” as my brain frantically ran through all sorts of scenarios as to what he may be thinking of – none of them pleasant. He explained that it was something he had been thinking about for the last few days – one that was brought up at this last weekend’s ‘mental domination’ class given by Lady Marquetta and Slave Leonis. Sir explained that one of their protocols is when Leonis first sees his Mistress each day, he falls to his knees and kisses her feet. They had explained it was a way to reset. It is used to move Leonis from his independent state of being required by the world, to a place of surrender within Lady Marquetta’s presence.

Sir explained that he thought I might need that transition–a resetting from the concerns and burdens of the world (i.e., a successful administrative assistant, independent woman looking after her house) to that of surrender. He thought maybe we could find a protocol that would work for us both in private and in public (something subtle to be used when he visits me at the office, etc.). He then gave me permission to eat.

My chest continued to burn and was now in conflict with the relief and love I was feeling at his reaction. I slowly took a few bites to eat, contemplating this unexpected turn of events. My respect and admiration for Sir overwhelmed and virtually eliminated my self-imposed shame. I looked up at him in loving wonder. He noticed and inquired. I explained that I hadn’t expected such a reaction. He asked if I expected him to be angry. I nodded my head. He shook his.

danae chimed in and explained that Sir’s philosophy was to look at the why of a situation. Why was I forgetting? He understood that I wasn’t willfully doing it or looking for some kind of negative attention. He knows me enough to know that isn’t who I am. He was trying to figure out the cause and possible solutions. Sir was looking for a way to help me, rather than a reason to punish me. He basically took me by the hand and asked me what I thought of this alternate path versus the one I was on, and then offered to walk it with me holding my hand.

So different than the guilt I felt and the disappointment I expected. Sir helped me replace my inadequacies, fears, guilt, and shame with a positive hope and path forward. It seems to be a way of encouraging my growth, not a forceful tactic or threat to get obedience. It was a friendly hand to assist in my betterment in my chosen path of surrender. Amazing.

It’s Okay to be Brainy

The ever dreaded stereotype:

submissive = brains, smart, educated
slave = doormat, dumb, stupid

No no no No NO!

Being submissive or being slave does not equate into anything … it means you are who you are.  Period.

In no way does being a slave imply, infer, suggest or otherwise characterize one’s intelligence.  Nor does having the desire to be reduced, demeaned, degraded, or otherwise brought to the level of inhuman toy – mean that the said toy isn’t incredibly smart, brilliant, articulate, educated and brainy.

Just because that might be your perception doesn’t make it the rule.

Folks need to dial back the stereotype misinformation.  It’s okay to not desire to be a slave – but it’s not okay to call slaves dumb or doormats.  It’s okay to say you don’t want to be a doormat – that’s fine.  But it’s not okay to flaunt your label and hope that it sticks.

Many slaves have bachelor and master degrees or have some really wonderful worldly views from their perspective while I know several submissives who have a tough time with seemingly elementary concepts.  There is no standard.  There’s no measurement device and I submit there’s no way anyone can effectively make such an overreaching stereotype with no basis attached except for the preconceived notion brought on by their own opinion.