Emotional Masochism

sgrough2dwI am an emotional masochist. I think the common definition is deriving sexual satisfaction/pleasure from emotional pain.

I do get turned on by the emotional pain often, but sometimes I don’t get turned on by it. Instead I feel something inside me that just feels fulfilled by emotional pain and not physically turned on. I enjoy feeling wrecked and destroyed. Usually not in the moment, but after. Time frame of that after has had a wide range from moments after to years after. So eventually yes I do get sexual gratification because those times that destroyed me are some things I masturbate to now. So in a round about way it does usually end with sexual pleasure.

We do this in private or in situations where others around us are unaware of what we are doing. Such as him leaning over and whispering in my ear what “worthless whore”  and just an hour before he had me shoved on his cock while I was crying from how he wrecked me…no one sees what he is doing. It is for us not others.

It is deeply intimate for us. I will be sobbing and wrecked after he has been cruel and often look up at him and say, “I love you” because it is so intimate that I feel like my heart is ready to explode with love because this man gets me enough to destroy me.

From my profile on Fet: I feel most like myself when being wrecked by my Owner. My favorite way of destruction is when he uses words along with his hands to destroy me. It is comforting and also terrifying at the same time. I find balance in my daily life when humiliation, degradation, and violence are regular part of my existence. Emotional masochism/masochism bring the walls down protecting all the secrets in the dark so that I lay at his feet sobbing with nothing left to hide. I find beauty and joy come from the brutality.

SCC #120

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #120

– What is your favorite sexual activity that would not be considered vanilla?
All of our sexual activity has SM mixed in. If it didn’t, then I wouldn’t be enjoying sex. I need pain, humiliation, edge play to orgasm.

– Have you tried things where the fantasy was more fun than the reality?
Master “kidnapped” me once by stuffing me in the back cargo area of his SUV and it wasn’t as fun as my fantasy.

– Is there a sexual act you perform because your Dominant likes it, but doesn’t do much for you?
No, not really. Sometimes I am not mentally turned on at first, but usually it doesn’t take much for me to get there.

“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.“ -Alfred Kinsey

Kink of the Week: Anonymous Sex

bannershoes-e1362893440910Anonymous sex well… hmm well yes I have done this. When I was 18, I was owned. He had me be with men I didn’t know at all. Never knew their names. Outside of my time with him, I still had what I consider anonymous sex because although I get first names of most people I sleep, I don’t always get to know them. I have had sex with men that I never saw again. Never knew what they did for a living, or if they had a wife or girlfriend, or where they lived. I didn’t know anything about them, but what we were doing in that moment…having sex.

I going to just get this out and then hopefully be able to explain it.  Anonymous sex – the feelings those two words bring make me feel bad. They make me feel like I should be guilty and ashamed for all the anonymous sex I have had in my past.  The images that go through my brain don’t make me feel guilty or ashamed. I feel the heat and intensity, I feel fear as it was dangerous at times being with a stranger, I feel desire and need, and none of those feelings make me feel bad. But just reading those words, made me feel like I should feel bad for having anonymous sex which makes me sad.  I rarely feel bad for my sexual experiences. I am grateful I have been able to explore my sexuality so freely. It is odd what the words did to me though. I don’t like it. Going to hang on to the images and memories as they make me feel better.

I think back trying to come up with a story of a time when I had anonymous sex when I was owned at 18, but most of them don’t sound consensual and probably wouldn’t be hot to anyone, but me. I like force and many of the men he had me be with were because there wasn’t another option for me. I had to obey or suffer the consequences. At the time, I didn’t always like it, but eventually my emotional masochism kicks in and it was and is hot. Sometimes it kicked in during, sometimes it was after, sometimes it was a long time after. It all makes me hot now though.

So here is story from long ago, but of anonymous sex.

When I was 21, I broke up with my high school sweet heart for a bit. I worked at an old beaten down motel that was off the highway. It attracted a lot of truckers and contract construction workers. I would get hit on every night. One night, I took one of them up on their offer. I called his room after I closed my shift and he said the door would be open.

He looked like California. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a tan from working in the sun. He had a smile that could charm any girl walking by and it did that for me. I usually stayed away from the clients of motel, but honestly his smile set me on fire. My body reacted to him as soon as he opened the door to the lobby.

The moment I opened the door of his room, he was pushing me against the wall, hand in my hair, lips crushing my lips, hand lifting my shirt, and hard cock pressing into me. We were both in need and we touched each other with hunger. Hands gripping on each other and pulling clothes off. Rough and soft mixed together. My clothes laying in scattered from the door to the bed. First time with him, he was hastily tearing a condom out of the package and thrusting into me as my legs were spread and begging for him to fuck me. The next time was bent over the desk in the room. Another was me straddling him in a chair. Last one before we got a little sleep was with me on my hands and knees on the bed making the bed squeak. We started the morning with me giving him a blow job in the shower. After the shower he carried me out of the bathroom and tossed me on the bed to go down on me before he left to go to his next destination and I went home to rest before classes.

He did come back and stay another time and of course thought we would leave off where we were before, but we weren’t stranger any more.

What the cuck?

Wait, what?

Don’t you mean fuck?  (no … cuck … as in cuckelry … no not cutlery ….)

“Okay, what’s cucking then?”

These are just my thoughts on the subject and not anywhere close to being the end all be all on the subject. It’s merely an entry to get my thoughts out of my head where I can look at it.

Cucking has been around since the dawn of man. By definition, cucking is the act of “cheating, adultery and other forms of promiscuity.” Except cucking isn’t exactly cheating … but it is … but it’s not. Even with all the trademarks of being adultery, it’s consensual adultery. Except it’s not really consensual – but it is.

Confused yet?

Cucking is a complicated consensual dynamic. Cucking is having a separate relationship with another person without say, consideration or input from the cuck. That relationship can be as broad and deep or as narrow and shallow as defined by the other participants. Cucking can be humiliating. Cucking can involve emotional sadomasochism.

Examining the participants may make a bit more sense:

There’s the cuck. Traditionally, we hear about cuck being a male as a cuckhold. He gets to watch his wife have sex with another man, he is maybe not allowed to orgasm, and is otherwise chaste. He doesn’t get to participate and is shamed for watching. Wife gets to demean the poor cuck for not participating in the festivities and the other man (i.e. the bull) gets to have sex while demoralizing the cuck who doesn’t get anything.

So it is about fucking.

It can be. But it could also be as benign as the wife spending time on a date, having a great time (privately) with another man while the cuck knows about it back home. The degrees of cucking can range from the one-time fling to having an established relationship with the other man (or woman.)

So why blog about it? Why bring it up?

danae and I have been spending a lot of time talking over the last few weeks. During one of our drives back home after traveling, we started discussing our sex lives and fantasies and viola’ enter the world of cuck. danae expressed her desire to have a cuckquean relationship dynamic. In her emotional masochistic mind, it excites her knowing that I’m involved with another woman and she doesn’t get a say in it.

Aside from having that whiplash “what the hell did you say” moment, it also tapped into my emotional sadism dark thoughts. After having spent a great deal of time thinking through the various aspects of cucking, it’s a new unchartered course that has already created some interesting dynamic changes for danae and I. (and I haven’t even approached anyone for even considering a cuck relationship with yet.)

“So you’re cheating on her?!”

That’s how it looks, and that’s how cucking works. Cuckqueans and cuckholds offer their blessing, permission or desire for their significant other to pursue relations with someone else for purposes of cucking.  danae finds it very exciting, humiliating and otherwise emotionally masochistic to know I will be out with other women. In her mind and other cucks, the perceived “cheating” is actually the fetish.

The biggest difference is that everyone is KNOWING going into the dynamic. Things are communicated out in the open and known. Nothing hidden.

“But won’t you harm danae in the process?!”

No, it won’t as this is what danae desires.  It’s similar to having a V-style poly dynamic with the added spice of knowing danae is enjoying my relationship with someone else.

“Will it be just sexual?!”

Cucking situations can be just for sex or they can be sustained relationships that work independently from the primary dynamic. What would I personally want? I typically don’t do casual. I need connectivity and to do so – requires that I have some sort of relationship with someone. I’m not sure what that completely looks like right now because I’m still trying to digest the whole cucking world. But right now, I can’t see it just being a fling – it has to be longer than that, deeper than that.

“That won’t be fair to the other woman though”

That’s possibly true. The landscape has to be very much exposed and in the open for the other woman to make a rational choice of whether or not she’s even interested in such a dynamic. I’m very much aware of what this does for the other woman and would want her needs and wants met for the duration of the relationship just like how it would be if I was single and dating.

“Would she need to be a slave?”

She would need to be an s-type to some degree (at least to me). At this point I’m not sure a slave surrender would be ideal in cucking – but I’m still processing that out.

“What happened to your poly triad dynamic dream?”

That dynamic has been put away for now. It doesn’t mean that danae and I won’t revisit it at some point, but right now we’re not seeking a poly triad family. We haven’t thrown the poly triad concept out – but it’s something we’re not pursuing.

“Will the other woman need to be intimate with danae?”

No. The cuck dynamic can be set up to have no involvement with danae – or can be modified to include danae in only specific instances.

“Does danae get a say in who you select to have a relationship with?”

No, she doesn’t.

“Do you feel bad about that? All of this seems very wrong.”

I don’t feel bad about it because it’s a relationship dynamic change. The M/s and way we’re approaching poly has also changed. As a result, yes – I fully admit that the outside appearances may look very wrong, but it has been done on a consensual basis.

“So this isn’t a permanent situation?”

It can be. It’s up to the other woman if she chose to have a long-term relationship dynamic with me. danae still gets no say in it and has agreed to that.

“What if I’m married and have a complex relationship with my husband, but I want to pursue a cuck relationship with you as the other woman?”

It’s impossible for me to know if a complex married relationship would or wouldn’t work in the cuck relationship that we’re going into. At this point I’m not saying anyone’s existing or non-existing situation would work or not work. It requires chemistry and talking things through to know exactly where things come out.

So there you have it. The skinny on things to come as we venture forward on this upcoming Path. Questions and comments are always welcome as it helps me better rationalize all the various aspects I may not have considered.

Embracing your Inner Animal

05kink12unexpectedboxThis quote was in a post on Atavistic urges and dulcet desires on FetLife…

“Be no longer tender. Cover me with frenzied kisses — even as I would drench my body in the cruel torrents of the rain. Envelop me from throat to ankle in delirium intolerable…”~ Blanche Shoemaker Wagstaff

The question was about what brings out that the hunger from mental to body. Here is my answer…

Okay I must say that the quote that started this post out…made me breath hard. Words can bring that hunger to the surface. Recently Master was using me as a punching bag and he growled into my ear and said, “I am going to destroy you. You are mine to destroy.” Talk about bringing my animal to the surface. Nods yep that did it.

Pain will do it…a good slap to my face, choking me, pulling my hair, holding me down, forcing me to look at him…yeah all of them are good gateways to bringing it out.

But words…words seem to reach down inside and rip it out.

Master punching me is all good, but punching me and calling me a worthless cunt will make me moan and writhe beneath his fist.

“Do you really think I give a fuck that it hurts?”

We were traveling Wednesday. I suggested bringing the clover clamps, because well I am masochist. Not especially smart on my part though.

Our Wednesday had already started out with putting me into a mindset. I was still in that place when got on the road. A couple hours into our travel the clamps were attached. The roads are needing work so every time we hit a hole or rough patch, I would let out some moans.

About 6 minutes into wearing them, Master grabbed the chain and yanked on hard. I let out screams of protest. He laughed at me and then told me that he didn’t “give a fuck if it hurt.”

I begged, “Master…please…please…”

“Do you really think I give a fuck if it hurts? Do you really think you matter? Do you? God you are just so pathetic.” (He went on to say other things, but I don’t remember it word for word as I was feeling it)

“Master…”

“Just shut the fuck up. I don’t even want to hear you.”

His tone…his tone was harsh. He didn’t give a fuck. His voice had that primal edge to it where he just wants to hurt me and doesn’t “care.” I know Master loves me, but there are times when his Sadist comes out, in a way that is primal and brutal. He and I have called it his beast. Well the beast was present and every time he said he didn’t give a fuck. I knew…I was going to be a complete wreck. Really I started to crumble right away.

He got extremely cruel saying things to me that made me feel those things I keep tucked away far away…deep and hidden. He made me feel in ways that made me want to turn away and hide. But we were in the car and the only place I was hiding was behind my sunglasses.

He kept on verbally hurting me as he physically hurt me. Not just yanking, but punching, grabbing and slapping my tits with one hand and verbally flinging words to cut into me.

When I would use the word “please,” he would hurt me more. I would beg “Master, please stop.” He would again remind me he can do whatever he wanted and he wanted it to hurt me so asking him to stop wasn’t going to get me far.

At one point he told me he might let up a little if his dumb cunt asked properly. I was sobbing and wrecked by now so it came out easy as my mind accepted it.

“Master, dumb cunt would appreciate if you stopped hurting it.”

He eased up just a little.

This continued on and he would hurt me, I would cry and beg, he would hurt me more, I would degrade myself by begging in ways to please him, and then he would ease up just a little bit so I could catch my breath. He would start all over again.

At the 30 minute mark, he yanked on the chain hard as he did a count down. One hard yank for each number. He told me when he got to zero, I could take the right one off. He said, “200.” I started shaking my head and sobbing more. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t count down from 200. My brain and body were screaming no.

He the said, “99,98, 64, 31, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.” Just random numbers between 200 and 10 and then a countdown from 10.

I took the right off when he said zero. As those that have had clover clamps on know the taking off hurts so I let out screams.

He said, “now the same for the left.” He started at 200 again and did his countdown before finally getting to zero where I could get release my sore left nipple.

During his emotional jabs as well as his physical jabs, I was wrecked and crying, but I almost orgasmed from each spike of pain because I was also turned on. My body reacted to the emotional and physical pain. I was too wrecked though to figure out how to ask permission to orgasm.

He didn’t let me put my breasts back at first so my sore nipples rubbed against the edges of my bra. He slapped and punched me a few more times and again I wanted to orgasm, but wasn’t fully aware how to ask.

Finally when we were almost to Denver he had me pull myself together before reaching our destination.

My nipples were sore and hard though for the next 24 hours and Master would see them poking through my shirt as a signal to hurt them. Every time we were alone he was clamping on to them, and punching and slapping them.