Whatever ails us

I’m always amazed whenever I read a thread about whether a slave is really a slave if they suffer from depression or whether I’m dominant enough because I yield authority whenever a migraine hits danae or if she’s having a really bad day.

Really?

Being in the lifestyle doesn’t give us a reason to stop being human.

Bad days are just part of the human condition. It doesn’t make us “less than” anything. I’m definitely not in the lifestyle to be in a race or in a comparison of our dicks to see who is the better d-type. I’ve maintained the road that resonates best with danae and I because that’s what we decided from the onset. There is no one “twue” way for any of us and folks need to start figuring that out for themselves.

At the end of the day and after the cum stains fade away, we’re still human with very real issues, very real scars and very real difficulties. It’s a matter of choice whether we’re invested for the long haul or if it’s really just a 6 month soiree’. If it’s the latter, at least have the audacity to communicate that with one another. Don’t use someone’s depression, arthritis, or other ailment as an excuse to discard them after you find the “newer, better model.” Be strong enough to say what you feel and what your intentions and expectations are.

Moreover, have enough integrity to admit that you’re a player when you take what you want under the guise of pretending to be someone you’re not. Telling an s-type that you want them totally and completely means just that. Saying you’re in it for the long term, means just that. D-types, if you’ve decided your s-type is “less than,” it’s really YOU who is – not them.

The s-types are being who they are – as promised, now it’s up to you to deliver.

Be the D-type you tout, not the D-type figment you dreamt up.

SCC: #113 & #17

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #113

– Do you struggle with feelings of insecurity, and if so, what are those challenges?

I think everyone struggles with feelings of insecurity at times. I am not different. Mostly my insecurities come from my chronic pain and not being good enough. I can’t do all I want to do around the house and with just life in general.  So then it builds insecurities that I am not good enough.

– What do you do to get yourself out of a negative train of thought?

Sometimes I just let it happen. I have a good cry, let the negative talk take it’s course. But after a good night sleep and some positive self talk then I can battle it.

– How do you think your D/s role and the role or actions of your Dominant interact with feelings of insecurity?

I usually don’t get insecure feelings from Master.  But early on in our relationship I did always feel he might replace me. It was something that was said during a heated argument and so any time he was disappointed or displeased with me – I would remember what he said and worry.  It was a bad tape playing in my head that I finally stopped. I know Master isn’t getting rid of me. He wants me here. We have been together for 12 years and I am extremely secure of my place in his life.

Prompt Set #17

– What are ways you can be submissive without a partner?

When I was single, I had play partners to fulfill my submissive side. I also served the BDSM community to exercise my service oriented self.

– What role, if any, does meditation play in your life/service?

I have meditated long before I was actively in the lifestyle and serving. I have found it useful for my life as a service oriented slave. When I am overwhelmed or feeling burnt out, mediating can help ground me and center my focus and intention in serving.

– What sort of criteria is there for you to play with someone?

When I was single and had some casual play partners, I looked for smart, strong men that I knew could over power my body as well as mind. I looked for compatibility in kinky desires.  Such as I am a masochist that wants humiliation and degradation and finding sadist at that time that wanted that was hard for me. But at least getting some masochist desires fulfilled was often enough.

– How do you handle denial (sexual denial, refusal of a request, however you want to go with that)?

It often adds to my emotional masochist desires. Being refused I can mindfuck myself with that.

SCC: #112 & #30

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #112

– How do you fulfill the basic human need for socialization within the context of your submission?
I am not sure I understand this question completely. I am going to answer it as best I can from my understanding. We have friends that are kinky and it allows me to be me. I like interacting with other kinky people and need that connection. My closest friends just informed Master and I that they are moving. So I am really having a hard time. They have been so accepting of Master and I. I had a bruise on my face and they didn’t even question it. Before we had a local kinky community and friends, I socialized via the internet. Mostly with blogging and FetLife. I know I am going to miss our local friends that are moving so much as we have grown close.

– If you could host a D/s dinner party, what would be the after dinner activity?

Whatever Master wanted and the other dominants. Most likely a play party.

– What would you do differently in public if D/s were more socially acceptable?

Address Master as Master. I slip every so often, but I wish I could just call him Master all the time.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” -Elbert Hubbard

Love that quote that is included. We have some really fabulous friends here locally. Our closest friends are moving at the end of the summer. I am so sad. We are not only kinky, but we all have similar interests beyond kink. It is huge loss for me. I am blessed for the time I have had wit them and wish them all the luck in their move. I hope we will see each other again.

Prompt Set #30

– What are your thoughts on pain?

I am a masochist. I like the feeling of pain. I don’t think pain really feels pleasurable, but it just is pain and get fulfilment from the pain.

– Do you have any sort of dress code?

I don’t have a specific dress code, but Master has approved every piece of clothing that comes into the house often picking them out himself. We went shopping yesterday as I needed some clothes for Thunder in the Mountains as well as just the summer. He has a fetish for texture and clothing. He likes silky, satiny types of fabric. He likes tight clothing that hugs curves.  A couple of posts where he and I talk about Master’s clothing fetish: Good Will Shopping & Inside: Fashion

– How do you communicate?

Master and I communicate probably to nausea to most people. We talk and talk and talk and talk. We like to be transparent. We don’t like things to be bottled up so we talk.

– What is something you’d really like to try?

I want Master to beat me with a curry comb.

currycomb

Lesson #2078: nothing is mine

Master injured his shoulder. He has been going to the chiropractor, doing exercises for it, and he told me yesterday morning he needs to do more things like unloading the dishwasher as those movements are like physical therapy. He wants me to tell him when the dishwasher needs unloaded to help him in healing his shoulder.

I am service oriented and my main focus of service is domestic servitude. I totally get the fact of why unloading the dishwasher will help his shoulder and that telling him the dishwasher is ready to unload is a service.

“So just to clarify, Master, you want me to tell you to unload the dishwasher?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, Master.”

Cut to that afternoon, when breakfast and lunch dishes are piling up on the counter, because the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and haven’t been unloaded yet. I stood there probably a good 10 seconds looking at the dishes and said, “Master, the dishwasher needs unloading.”

He came back smiling with a big grin and saying, “yes Ma’am.” He laughed and got a kick out of seeing me squirm with the “yes Ma’am.” Sadist.

Lesson for me that has come up before – nothing is mine. See sometimes I claim ownership on the service I provide. Meaning cleaning the kitchen is MINE. It is what I do and I claim it as in having control or authority over it.

But that really isn’t the case. He has the authority to take away that service or alter it. In fact, he has at times. I think the first time he cleaned the kitchen, many years ago, I crumbled into tears and through hysterical sobbing told him to stop in a loud…umm possibly yelling voice…telling him “you can’t do that it is MINE!” Now granted I was sick so my brain was clouded by fever, but I can tell you that yelling doesn’t create the image of a slave in this household. Yeah, I know not one of my finer moments.

So I do better when I look at the service I provide as a privilege. He has commanded that I am responsible for cleaning and it is a service he demands of me. But that doesn’t mean he can’t order me to sit in a chair and watch him clean. Yes he has done that too. Yeah it went over only slightly better than that first time and this time I didn’t have a fever induced judgement as an excuse.

Master can certainly clean the house himself, but he would prefer to give that to me so he can do other things. So it is a service he requires of me and I like serving. Sometimes though I do get caught up with that image I have in my head of what a service oriented slave “should” look like. I have had that trip me up many times in my years of serving Master. When I allow that image to guide me, I am serving my own agenda and not being of service.

Today was a milestone for me, because although I asked for clarification because I wanted to be clear in what I heard – I didn’t pout, cry , or think I must be a horrible submissive if he doesn’t want me to unload the dishwasher. I didn’t go through the long list of emotional vomit that my feelings can conjure in a matter of moments. 12 years here and finally I was able to say, “yes Master” without adding all sorts of stuff into it. No “it’s mine” or worrying that I wasn’t serving him by “letting” him unload the dishwasher. It was just, “yes Master.”

So as I got ready to go to bed last night, I said, “Master the dishwasher will be ready to unload in the morning.” He of course said, “yes Ma’am” again to make me squirm. I love that sadistic man who owns me and feel absolutely honored to serve him in anyway he commands.

A Buttered Roll Crumbled My World

So here is02txt41 something that happened last week….just keeping it real….

I keep a butter dish on the counter most of the time.  On this particular night, we used the rest of the butter in the dish with dinner. So I decided to put the butter dish in the dishwasher and I didn’t get any more butter out. I thought I will get it out in the morning when I unload the dishwasher.

I needed to take a med before bed that I have to eat with so went to ask Master if I could have a roll with some strawberry jam on it knowing I don’t have any butter out.  Now normally I would ask Master if he wanted one and I did, but here is the thing…I really didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one.  I mean really – it was a strong feeling of not wanting to ask. The reason – I didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one because Master likes his roll with butter.  I knew there wasn’t any butter out.  Which meant I was going to have to do a few extra steps (ie: microwave the butter to soften it) to get him his roll. I didn’t want to do it.  I felt the emotions filling me up and I didn’t want to make his roll and serve him in that moment. I just wanted to get myself a roll, take my med and go to bed. I was in a lot of pain as I live with chronic pain, I was tired, and it had just been a long day so doing one more thing was the last thing my brain and body could wrap around and embrace.  It felt like one more thing was making my world crumble away at my feet with the weight of it.  So….that one thing was getting him a roll too.  Silly I know.

He said he wanted the roll. I made it up how he likes and served him it.  I was on the brink of tears as it just felt like I wanted to sit down and cry.  But I also was screaming with anger inside – anger I wanted to direct at him. Not good for a service-oriented slave. I was angry. I was raging inside – not something that is normal for me. Now were there reasons I had that attitude, thoughts and feelings? Yes, but in the end, those can’t be excuses and those reasons really don’t matter to me. I think it is good to trace it back and see where and how they started, but it doesn’t make that anger okay for me. What matters to me is that I had the attitude I did and how to move past it when it happens again.

Now of course, in the past, I have had days of thinking I am too tired and wish he would get that coffee himself.  But usually I move past it quickly by reminding myself I am his slave. It helps me think from my knees as his slave and remind myself that I do want to serve this man so go get the coffee and give it the intention of service.  Because my chronic pain has ramped up the last few months, my brain  is out of alignment and I am learning to cope with some changes in my service.  Just saying I am his slave was what made me go get the roll and serve it to him.  But anger came and that isn’t normal for me.  It surprised me and didn’t like. it

Like I said – I got him the roll. I got mine too, but I went to bed crying.  The main reason I was crying was because I was beating up on myself for not putting aside my anger while getting him the roll. One reason I was beating up on myself was because if I had just put the butter out in another dish earlier. It would have made getting the roll easier and I probably wouldn’t have been so bent out of shape, but I hadn’t so that was making me feel like I failed at serving him properly. Of course, like we often do when we love someone instead of facing our own failures we blame others, which leads to the other thing I was angry about. I was upset because I explained what was going on and he still made me get the rolls for him as it didn’t seem like a big deal to him – which of course it wasn’t a big deal, just my brain was making it a big deal. So I was angry at him. Now I would have been beating myself up 10 times more if he had told me to “forget it” or that he would get the roll himself.  So thankful he didn’t do that, but in the moment, I couldn’t get past my anger.

I am sure many people are reading this going “wow it was a fucking roll that bent you out of shape?”  Yep.  Totally irrational. Silly. Something I am fucking ashamed of letting get to me. But all I can do now is try to learn how to deal with the reasons that are causing the irrational feelings I am having and then how to deal with them when they come up again.

Do I know what I am going to do if it happens again…that swell of anger?  No. I am trying to add in some more moments of meditation to help me deal with the anger. Because ultimately my anger is about my chronic pain.  My chronic pain totally flipped my service upside down.  It will seem like I am really getting better and better at dealing with it and then I have moments like this that trip me up and make me look up from the floor going okay what happened.  It is hard to get up and keep moving forward.  But it is the only thing I can do if I want to serve him and I do. I can’t imagine a life without serving him.  Service is me. It is part of my identity.

So next time….I would love to say there isn’t going to be a next time, but I know better with living with chronic pain…next time I hope to take 5 deep breaths and remind myself where it is coming from and remind myself I am his slave.

Being of Service

Quote

This is from an old Daily Om horoscope, but thought it was a good one to keep around….

“Being of service to others can make us feel empowered. When you participate in making someone’s life better, you honor that person as well as yourself. As you exert your personal power in ways that benefit others, you derive a strong sense of fulfillment because you see how you have the ability to change the world for the better. When you’re of service to others, you receive their gratitude, which raises your self-esteem and revitalizes you. By being of service to others today, you can come to understand that even your smallest contributions to the world’s well-being have merit.”