Polyerosy/amory

poly2This is my reply to this question on Suffer for Me on FetLife. I just use the shortened word of poly as I do have issues with the word love because as someone who is poly not all my relationships have included love. They may include caring, affection, intimacy, sex, but not always love as in “in love.”

As a little girl I would draw these fantasy house plans up and I always had multiple bedrooms for all the wives. I was not raised poly. My parents are vanilla & monogamous. I had no knowledge of any relationships that included more than one wife. So where that came from, I have no idea, but I had this image in my head of multiple wives cooking and doing household chores together and laughing. The scenes in my head are just as vivid today as they were when I was 10. Lots of love and joy.

Fast forward to 1994 when I found words for who I was and what I did. Many of the online bdsm type usenet groups talked about poly too.

After leaving my husband, I entered into a “harem” poly family. The dominant had many female submissives. Some lived with us and some didn’t. The submissives weren’t allowed outside relationships. Intimately and sexually we could be with him and the other submissives, but not other males.

When I left that relationship, I explored a more open type of poly. I was submissive to a married man (wife was vanilla and gave blessing for him to explore D/s with me), I had few play partners. I was part of long distance relationship that was a triad with a D/s dynamic. I would visit once them every 3 months. I had 2 girlfriends – 1 was a long distant relationship. I also had a daddy/little girl relationship with my former dominant.

When those ended, I was just trying to figure out what exactly I wanted in a relationship. I did explore and “date.” Eventually I figured out what exactly I wanted and Master contacted me just about that time.

We have been together for 12 years. When we first got together, he knew of my poly background, but honestly I was bitter and broken from it. He had been monogamous so was fine not exploring poly.

One day I came to him and said, “hey what do you think of trying to find someone and have a closed triad.” He said that sounded good. Really it wasn’t that short of conversation. We talked about it for months looking at every angle, discussing issues that might come about and all that.

In October, the triad we were apart of ended. We are still grieving and processing.

Like @OP I am not jealous either. I get happy and my heart explodes with love when I see my love with someone he loves. It turns me on and makes me happy.

I do get envious at times and I do make the distinction between jealousy and envy. Envy happens at times when I see Master doing something to her that he hasn’t done on me for a long time and I think “oh I wish we would do that.” I don’t want him to stop and not do it with her which would be jealousy to me if I did. I want her to experience everything and have fun and enjoy his sadism, but I sometimes do go oh I hope he does me next.

It’s a marathon

Recently someone make the comment about the three of us still being immersed in NRE.  I get why they believed that, but part of me just stopped and wondered: “how long does NRE last?”

So like other “experts” out there I googled to find out.  🙂

Inevitably I liked what some folks said about it being a constant state of energy – period.  Whether it ebbs or flows, waxes or wanes … we’re inevitably going to have X amount of energy in a relationship at any time.  X is variable and hence changes from one moment to next.  For example, we probably have more energy when we’re cuddled, watching movies, having dinner, walking, sharing a sunset … than compared to when we’re putting in the last three hours of an eight hour day when the energy may not be that strong.

Real life happens.

When will the NRE fade?  I’m not entirely sure.  Maybe it reaches that point the relationship becomes a negative energy force.  If that’s the case, then it’s likely there’s something else horribly amiss going on.

danae and I have had our ups and downs the last eleven years, but the reality is that we’re still so very much in love with one another and can’t imagine being apart.  Isn’t that part of the NRE equation as well?  This doesn’t mean that problems and arguments don’t arise … they do.  But it also means that we approach our relationship just like a runner approaches a marathon:

The muscle cramp doesn’t mean we should stop running the marathon.  It means we treat it through hydration, treatment and preventive care so that we can work through the pain.  So that we can continue our long run and do better tomorrow, the next day, the next month and year.

When you’re a duration runner, stopping occasionally to repair your muscles and catch your breath isn’t a sign that you’re failing.  You’re merely doing what’s necessary to get back into the race. If it takes you 10 hours, 10 days or 10 years to run your marathon – who cares?  You’re doing what feels most right to you.

Our date with destiny

It seems appropriate.
danae and I keep referring to our path and journeys as a continual evolution.  So it seems entirely appropriate that we should cross someone’s path that has the nickname “Destiny.”
Our paths first crossed at a local function when she literally opened the door for us.  Over the course of the next several months we would get to know her little by little at munches and functions.  We were in our healing process and weren’t in a position to be looking.  She was involved in her own relationship and the time just wasn’t right for any of us.
The adage “all things happen for a reason” would be the most appropriate way to describe what started happening.  Her world began to close in and we reached out.

The more we began to get to know destiny, the more we recognized some major similarities in approaches and philosophies.  Many things danae and I approach with the lifestyle were aligned with what destiny craved and wanted.  We kept talking and talking and talking … and things kept just falling into place.

Folks that are familiar with polyamorous relationships know that finding a really good fit for everyone involved can be a particularly daunting if not impossible.  Some dynamics go searching for a long time without finding someone that meshes with all facets of the entire relationship.
We are lucky to have found someone that meshes with the both of us.
Not just kink.
Not just sexual.
Not just bi-sexual.
Not just lifestyle.
We mesh in the little things.
We mesh in a lot of philosophical ways.
We mesh with goals and aspirations.
We mesh in similar tastes.
While some might say this is still the glow of NRE, we also feel like we’re realistic about the differences that do exist.  It’s about finding someone that we can grow with as well.  Relationships are meant to grow with … not just settle for someone that seems to be a good fit.  When I met danae, she was someone that I wanted to grow with – to grow together.  The same thing looks to be forming with destiny.
We keep approaching the steps before us with caution, dedication and reality.  We don’t take for granted what we have and we are blessed each day that awaits us.  As our Journey continues forward, we have destiny on our side – and I have to admit that’s a pretty awesome thing.

Breaking Up is Hard

….Just like the song title says.

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years – through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone’s lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life.

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn’t and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn’t so he didn’t want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.

My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn’t a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing – such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s.

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely – is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.

For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere.

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn’t mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

When Considering Poly….

Poly takes a commitment folks.

…it also takes a lot of gut wrenching honesty to uncover the reasons and to address the core issues.

There’s a full gambit of reasons why folks seek poly:

– “To make up for something lacking.”  This also happens to be one of the worst reasons to enter poly.  It resonates that there’s problems within the core dynamic – and something to avoid.  One wouldn’t buy a car from someone that didn’t have a transmission in it when the expectation going in that this was going to be a functional car at the time of purchase.  Same thing here.

– “Gotz to have the threesome.”  C’mon guys – quit thinking with your dicks.

– “She said I can have a relationship, you don’t need to worry about her.” or “My significant other doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know.” It’s almost as predictable watching a horror film where the babysitter is about to open up the closet door.  We KNOW the bad guy is going to leap out – we know it’s going to startle us – we know our pants will be soiled afterwards – but we almost always keep watching the same thing over and over again because we’re masochistic that way.  Same thing here.  Anyone keeping their relationship so separate, private, hidden, compartmentalized away is only inviting the day when things go flying everywhere.  Who would want to be part of the ticking time bomb knowing it’s just a matter of time before it finally goes off?

– “We have our own separate relationships with other people.”  While this can be swinging from the outside observer’s point of view – it can also be deep at times.  Chemistry is vital here (and everywhere else – I’ll get into that in a bit) to ensure that everyone remains on the same page.  It’s a delicate balance when considering multiple plates and dishes from every component in the dynamic’s range.  General point here is: the more complex the dynamics are, the more headaches that are bound to come with it.

No – you’re right – there is no one twue way to have poly.  I never said that.  But when considering poly – there’s a lot of things to consider.  This advice goes to a poly couple and to those who are single about to go into a poly dynamic.

First – “put away the checklists.”  Yes – having that connection to of finding someone into flinging spam as a fetish – just might be something that’s important to you … but it’s not the end all be all.  So – find some common ground and if there’s a potential interest to going forward – set the checklist aside to work on some of the more critical issues.

Second – “get ready to RAPPLE!”  It’s time to have a discussion about Religion, Attitudes, Politics, Philosophy and Life Everyday.  RAPPLE 🙂

Third – “talk’em til their ears fall off.”  Communication is essential.  We all know that.  But now you have to consider that you’re having double the conversations now.  You have to balance that out and approach it in a way that’s going to be beneficial for everyone.  Honesty is always the best policy.  The more open you are – the more they’re open – the more information that can be sifted through so that a solid decision can be made before going forward.

Fourth – “Expect it!”  Have expectations.  Have it clearly defined in your mind before you contact someone on a serious basis.  How does the situation you’re approaching match your expectations?  What’s the expectations of duration?  Life?  Next year?  Six months from now?  Have the conversation about expectations and duration.  Let it be known: “Hey I’m interested, but only for the next six months and then we can re-evaluate it then.”  Folks forget to include any sense of long-term plans or arrangements.

Fifth – “Gut check!”  How much is this going to change my life?  Are you going to have to move?  Do you need to find a new job?  Are you ready to make a leap of faith moment – moving clear across the country for someone who you just met?  How sure are you?  Do I need my own place?  Can I stay there with them?  Have we talked about that?  This is the harsh down reality folks.

Sixth – “Be honest with yourself from the start.”  Something that isn’t feeling right – there’s a reason.  Seek out the reason why – and address it.  If it can’t be resolved, how much of a flag is it?  Is it a deal breaker?  Do you have deal breakers?  What are they?  What are you prepared to do if the deal is broken?

Seventh – “Non-primary significance.” Well it is significance because it’s one of the things we assume.  Except if family knows that I’m with danae – then – it might be awkward to hug and kiss on sally mae when danae is in the room – because they don’t understand how poly works.  If you’ve outed yourself – you’re leaps and bounds ahead, but if you haven’t – this can be a crippling point knowing you’ll have relations that you may not always be able to express openly unless among like-minded individuals.  That takes adjusting if you haven’t already considered that from the onset.

Eighth – “What’s the rush?”  Patience in most everything can yield incredible benefits.  Set out a long courtship period and spend that time getting to know everyone involved.  Especially if this is a longer-term – why make all of these incredibly difficult life-changing decisions on a dime’s notice?  Take an appropriate amount of time getting to know all of the things you need/want to know about the situation you’re about to enter.

Lastly – Assume nothing.  Assumptions, presumptions and other dangerous -umptions will be the undoing of everything you’re trying to accomplish.  Because it’s in your blog from 2010 or in an email you did 6 months ago – get it out there again if it’s important to you.

Some other last minute tips…

Common sense:  We don’t always employ it, but if we start smelling smoke wafting in the air – we get up and investigate its source.  Why don’t we do it when something feels off about the dynamics we’re in?  If something doesn’t feel right – start talking, asking questions, TALK, figure it out.  An odd comment usually has some meaning of some kind.  Ask why – but do it in a way that’s not going to put them on the defensive.

Searches take awhile:  It’s not going to happen easily.  There’s bound to be pain involved – and not the good kind either.  Be PATIENT.  Be thoughtful.  Be compassionate.  Be true and honest while learning as much as you can by communicating as best you can.

Engage!  No, not the Enterprise command for “go” silly.  Engage the people you’re interested in.  Make sure that they know you’re interest and vice a versa.  The more engaging people are in the process, the more investment that can happen if that’s the direction things are heading.  It doesn’t mean you have to be overbearing – but think of it this way … if you’re wanting someone’s attention – you sometimes have to let them know of your interest.

Understand: This is not as obvious as folks might think it is.  Understanding what kind of poly you’re looking for – is not an easy task.  It takes a long time to find the right combination – THEN – you have to find the right chemistry – THEN – you have to find the right parameters, with matching duration, logistics – THEN –  you have to invest the time to get to know them, figure out if that’s really the course you want to sail on … and THEN – the odds are still against you unless you get incredibly lucky to find a dynamic that wants you to grow with them – to invest in them as much as they are investing in you.

Growth potential:  If you’re considering a long-term situation, then take into consideration that things change.  As time passes, we change – we all change.  Thus is the situation you’re about to go into seem pliable for growth potential in the duration of the dynamic you’re seeking?  Can the complications be met head on and addressed to mitigate issues down range?

The bottom line is that this is far from easy to accomplish.  It can take a really long time to develop something even remotely long lasting that requires a LOT of communication, a lot of patience and a lot of long-term planning for something you’re thinking of making quasi-somewhat permanent.  Even after you make a pretty successful match it takes an incredible amount of maintenance to make it last long-range. Take time to consider things from as many possible angles as you can.  Keep checking with your own core to determine if the situation hits the chords you’re needing and wanting.

It’s just not a crazy dick-influenced three-way … not when you have thoughts, emotions and hearts on the line.

Change

Every minute, every day, every week and month – we’re surrounded by it.

As I’ve come to embrace change as a chapter in the Journey of life, there are changes that continue to weigh heavily on My shoulders.  It’s an accepted responsibility, not a burden.  If I didn’t own up to the things I do in life, in My dynamics, in everything I do – then that makes Me “less than” … and I would hate that.  The three of us would hate that which is why we all have a hand in whatever happens together.

The changes that we have been going through the last couple of months have been extremely difficult.  The Path that always seem steady and true – eventually becomes distant and eventually disappears beneath our feet.  But we can embrace the lessons we learn along the way by celebrating the good times, remain as friends and look forward to sharing company again – even if the conditions are slightly changed.

There’s no blame to assign.

There’s no blame to claim.

It was a shared experience wherein the chemistry just didn’t bond like we all expected it would.  There’s no absence of love, no abandoning friendships or removing each other from our lives … for we do share a common bond that we will always have.

Wounds continue to heal, tears still require a kleenix to remain close by.  But we do the best we can to move forward.

Life is full of different chapters.  From wonderful adventures to experiencing great pain and hardship.  The totality by which we exist is the culmination of all of our experiences – not just the good times.  We learn, we apply, we take courageous steps – one at a time – as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow morning.

Our chapter with teacup maybe drawing to a close, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t care or love her any differently.  It just means that we have changed – the three of us and some times that’s hard enough to hold onto.