Question the Details

service3danaewhisperingThe other day Destiny wasn’t feeling well so she was tucked away in bed. She said she was feeling hungry so I asked what she wanted and proceeded to get it – cereal.  Before getting her cereal I asked her how much cereal to milk ratio she preferred….such as more milk or more cereal or maybe just about even on both.  Now I was just taking care of my girlfriend in this instance, but this can apply to serving too.

When I was first serving Kam (my former dominant) many many years ago, I made him a peanut butter sandwich and made it how I always made it.  I didn’t ask him how he liked his sandwich. It just never cross my mind to even ask him how he wanted it.  I just did what I was taught by my Mom and made it that way for him. He didn’t like it and expressed that to me. But before that moment,  it had never even occurred to me ask questions before making it. Now all these years into serving it is just natural for me to ask those type of questions.

I ask questions – lots of questions – milk to cereal ratio? how much ice to put in a soda, ice tea or another drink as I know someone who has ice in their milk? how much peanut butter needs to be smeared on the bread for a PB & J?  lightly toasted bread or almost burnt? how warm of water for a bath? one blanket on the bed or more?  one pillow or 4?  pasta al dente or mushy?  coffee placed on the left or right side of the person? coffee – cream and sugar – how much?  breakfast right after getting up or waiting? light or heavier breakfast? brush teeth before or after breakfast? squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the middle or end? wash cloth or shower scrubbie when bathing?  soap or shower gel? toilet paper going over or coming from under on the holder? eating certain dishes with a spoon or a fork? The questions are endless.

Make sure you think about process.  Are you making or doing something in a way the d-type prefers or are you just defaulting to how you usually make it or do it?  Little details can make all the difference.  So think about every things you do…go through the steps and process and to check if it matches the d-types preferences.  Such as making the bed.  A normal way to make the bed is tucking in the flat sheet around the foot and the sides, but Master doesn’t like it tucked in as he likes to kick it off his feet.  Making the bed “normally” wouldn’t be his preference – so I learned this by asking questions and observing his behaviors. Because really good service can be about all the little details.

When is M/s right for you?

When I was 16, I was involved with a boy who tied me up and spanked me. We eventually had sex.  But I was kinky. I didn’t know there was a word for it though until much later. I was 27 when I discovered words for who I was and what I liked. It was probably close to a year after that I actually got the nerve to go into Barnes and Noble and order Different Loving which had only been published a couple years prior (before the days of ordering things online as Amazon wasn’t around). I was with my husband at the time and trying to get him to be okay with naming the relationship I felt we had before I knew there were words for it.  When I came to the section on 24/7 in Different Loving, I knew I wanted to be a slave.  I don’t recall anything that was said, but I still remember how I felt. I knew reading it that I wanted to belong to someone 24/7 and be a slave.

After my marriage ended, I knew I was going to seek a M/s dynamic. I bottomed and did a D/s relationship for a bit, but never felt totally fulfilled. I am glad I played and explored before jumping into M/s. Not everyone is going to want M/s…I get that. I also get that not everyone wants to be a Top/bottom or do a D/s relationship. These are not the only options in kink world for relationships. I am saying, by exploring, I could gain life experience, self-awareness, and also find out what elements I wanted and needed from a kinky relationship. I am thankful I explored first to figure things out before jumping into a M/s relationship as it helped me identify what elements I wanted in a relationship.

Why am I writing all this… What is my point….. Well… I was asked recently if I felt it was okay to jump straight into a M/s dynamic when new to BDSM and my answer was no. But I realized I didn’t explain why. I think a person needs to have self-awareness, a good realistic view of M/s and life experience to know if it is really the best path. But only YOU can decide that. Only the person wanting to walk this path can know if it is right for them.

I have been around people who were young in age, but had life experience and amazing levels of self-awareness and if they asked me if what I thought about them getting into M/s – I would probably say, “go for it.” I have known people in their 40’s who lacked self-awareness and life experience and I might tell them that maybe taking some time to really get to know themselves might be better before jumping into M/s. I have a very close friend in her late 30’s recently ask me what I thought about her pursuing a M/s relationship although she is new-ish to BDSM and I told her I could see the slave in her and understand why she wants/needs it as her path. I think she knows enough about what she wants and needs in a relationship to know if M/s was right for her. She was going to do it without my validation, but sometimes just hearing it helps that knowing inside shine brighter.

Although it might feel right and shine bright inside – there are still times you might question. You still might go is this really right for me even if most of the time it feels so right. You question because you are fighting against messages we have been told all our life – we question because it feels so different to actually be doing the thing we want as we often think it is not possible to have what we want – and we question because it is just our internal workings or nature as human beings to question. It is okay to want M/s and it is okay to go after it and it is okay to question.

Just know M/s doesn’t happen over night. Relationships build out of compatibilities. It takes time, energy, communication, and investment in each other to grow into it. But again the only person contemplating it can decide and know if they are ready and want to try.

New to FetLife?

I (heart) FetLife: BDSM & Fetish Community for  Kinksters, by kinkstersAre you thinking of joining FetLife?  A little nervous and curious what you will find?  What to know some tips on helping your experience be more positive on FetLife?

FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people.  It isn’t geared towards finding a dominant, submissive or just sex partner – it’s not a meat market. But I will say by participating you might find someone that captures your interest so it isn’t out of the possibility to find a kinky partner.

So tips:

  • Fill out your profile. –  Be honest, be yourself, be open, but no need to overshare or spill out your whole life’s history on it.  If you feel your profile is going too long. Make it a writing and link to it in your profile. (FAQ on how to link and other FetLife formating codes)
  • Upload a photo.  Men having just dick shots won’t make people flock to you. Make sure you have other photos uploaded please. I have to say the same for women – just tits and pussy shots don’t do anything to help you find someone.
  • Fetishes – Having a huge list of fetishes makes it harder to scroll through your profile. I suggest not listing every single one and listing those that are the most important and you feel define the type of dynamic you are in or seek.

This is a social media platform so join groups, share photos and writings, comment, and jump in to get know people and make friends. I really wouldn’t suggest one group over another as it really goes to what groups match your interests best.  Such as if you are new to the kinky world – then Novices and Newbies might be good for you. Interested in Poly and Kinky?  Or are you Kinky and Geeky?  A submissive woman?  My suggestion is look at the groups your friends like. You can browse them on their profiles. I have friends with similar interests so have found good groups by finding groups my friends are a part of too.

By participating in groups, posting blogs, commenting and just generally interacting with others on this type of internet platform – you will get people voicing all sorts of views – often in disagreement with your own. It is a public forum made for everyone to share opinions, thoughts, beliefs and silly stuff. So don’t take anything too personally and view it as learning experience instead of an attack. We all want to be heard and connect with people and this type of platform can give us that – just not always in ways we expect.

Last bit of advice – Think before posting and be true to you.

Happiness from Serving

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it’s entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner’s permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don’t think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life – I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn’t. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

Different not Deeper

The lifestyle isn’t a continuum with bottom being a starting point and  slave being the end point. We are each different and we all have labels that we use to describe who we are and what type of relationship we are in –  top, bottom, dominant, submissive, daddy, little girl, Sir, pet, kinky, Master, slave and so on and so forth.  An endless supply of labels to apply to ourselves –  each different.

Often in the lifestyle I hear that BDSM relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. But really I don’t believe they are….I don’t believe my relationship is deeper than a D/s relationship just because I am M/s. I don’t believe we kinky folk are deeper than those in vanilla relationships. What we are – is different.  M/s is different from D/s.  BDSM is different from vanilla. Master and I might do things different than a couple who is D/s because we are M/s, but doesn’t mean we are deeper.

Our relationships are deep because of what we put into them.  A relationship can grow into a deep and meaningful one by being compatibility, creating connection, communicating, and knowing oneself –  and none those things have nothing to do with D/s or M/s.

Slave Inferior?

I am Master’s slave and property. This means we don’t have an equal relationship. It means we aren’t peers. We are Master and slave – Owner and property.  It does mean I am subordinate to him – in a lower rank in our hierarchical relationship. 

Does that mean I am inferior?  I can answer this logically and say no but sometimes emotionally things get skewed for me where I am not sure I could answer that no. I believe Master is smarter and stronger than I.  It doesn’t mean I can’t be strong. It doesn’t mean I don’t have knowledge that he has found useful because I am a capable adult woman with a variety of skills that he loves to utilize.  

I will say Master does utilize humiliation and degradation as a way to make me feel inferior.  Not as way to show me my place. But more as it just rocks our socks off.  It is a fetish and it turns us on so we stomp around in those areas.  I love what it does to my head and body.  I am not really enjoying it while it is going on – mentally and emotionally – I fight against it. But physically while it goes on – I am SOAKING wet. I am so turned on – my skin is one big raw nerve.  After it is done and we are basking in the glow of having an amazing fuck fest then that glow spreads to mentally and emotionally. I love that I walk over those coals with him and just end up accepting it.  Often for days to weeks after, I will replay it over and over and over just to get off again. 
Really many things that happen in our relationship, I believe many would think Master treats me as inferior. Maybe he does, but it is my normal view of our relationship so maybe I am just skewed in what is inferior. I like our relationship and how it works and flows that really is all that matters.