Emotional Masochism

sgrough2dwI am an emotional masochist. I think the common definition is deriving sexual satisfaction/pleasure from emotional pain.

I do get turned on by the emotional pain often, but sometimes I don’t get turned on by it. Instead I feel something inside me that just feels fulfilled by emotional pain and not physically turned on. I enjoy feeling wrecked and destroyed. Usually not in the moment, but after. Time frame of that after has had a wide range from moments after to years after. So eventually yes I do get sexual gratification because those times that destroyed me are some things I masturbate to now. So in a round about way it does usually end with sexual pleasure.

We do this in private or in situations where others around us are unaware of what we are doing. Such as him leaning over and whispering in my ear what “worthless whore”  and just an hour before he had me shoved on his cock while I was crying from how he wrecked me…no one sees what he is doing. It is for us not others.

It is deeply intimate for us. I will be sobbing and wrecked after he has been cruel and often look up at him and say, “I love you” because it is so intimate that I feel like my heart is ready to explode with love because this man gets me enough to destroy me.

From my profile on Fet: I feel most like myself when being wrecked by my Owner. My favorite way of destruction is when he uses words along with his hands to destroy me. It is comforting and also terrifying at the same time. I find balance in my daily life when humiliation, degradation, and violence are regular part of my existence. Emotional masochism/masochism bring the walls down protecting all the secrets in the dark so that I lay at his feet sobbing with nothing left to hide. I find beauty and joy come from the brutality.

Whatever ails us

I’m always amazed whenever I read a thread about whether a slave is really a slave if they suffer from depression or whether I’m dominant enough because I yield authority whenever a migraine hits danae or if she’s having a really bad day.

Really?

Being in the lifestyle doesn’t give us a reason to stop being human.

Bad days are just part of the human condition. It doesn’t make us “less than” anything. I’m definitely not in the lifestyle to be in a race or in a comparison of our dicks to see who is the better d-type. I’ve maintained the road that resonates best with danae and I because that’s what we decided from the onset. There is no one “twue” way for any of us and folks need to start figuring that out for themselves.

At the end of the day and after the cum stains fade away, we’re still human with very real issues, very real scars and very real difficulties. It’s a matter of choice whether we’re invested for the long haul or if it’s really just a 6 month soiree’. If it’s the latter, at least have the audacity to communicate that with one another. Don’t use someone’s depression, arthritis, or other ailment as an excuse to discard them after you find the “newer, better model.” Be strong enough to say what you feel and what your intentions and expectations are.

Moreover, have enough integrity to admit that you’re a player when you take what you want under the guise of pretending to be someone you’re not. Telling an s-type that you want them totally and completely means just that. Saying you’re in it for the long term, means just that. D-types, if you’ve decided your s-type is “less than,” it’s really YOU who is – not them.

The s-types are being who they are – as promised, now it’s up to you to deliver.

Be the D-type you tout, not the D-type figment you dreamt up.

Offering her Collar?

There was a question on a group over on FetLife about when a submissive should “offer her collar.”

It isn’t my collar to offer. It is Master’s collar that he slipped around my neck and locked in place to symbolize his ownership of me. If he were to end our relationship, the collar would stay with him as it is his.

We got to know each other and had many discussions on what we wanted from a relationship before Master collared me. The collaring took me by complete surprise, but made me happy he wanted to claim me as his.

In a previous M/s relationship, I wasn’t ever collared although I was in a committed M/s relationship. He didn’t view the symbol necessary to our relationship.

When I was single and had play partners, it still wasn’t my collar to offer. It was a symbol of the dynamic no matter if it was a few hours of play and submitting or a weekend or a week. Many didn’t play with collars. A few asked me if I had a collar, but more like a toy to use for leashing or using attachment points.

Master has many different collars for me. One is the one he collared me with and the others they are more for play or dressing up. Such one matches the cuffs that I wear during play. I have a pink patent leather one that is cute to wear when doing daddy/little girl or school girl. A metal collar that I have wore when dressing up at big events.

I think usually it seems to be a mutual agreed upon decision what the collar means and when one is collared. For me a collar is a symbol of the relationship be it D/s, Top/bottom, Daddy/little girl, M/s or whatever the foundation of dynamic represents.

SCC #115

tumblr_niqtrmAwpP1tuyadfo1_1280Prompt Set #115

– Has your everyday language been altered by your lifestyle language?
I use words like Master daily so yes I guess it has been altered. I hear things in words also that I might not have before such as words like control, submissive, obey, and power. When people use them, I pay attention.

– Do you use non-verbal forms of communication in your dynamic?
Yes Master and I use non-verbal queues as forms of communication such as asking for the bathroom around vanilla people.

– Has your lifestyle language cause any bloopers in your everyday life?
Yes, I have used Master a few times around people I shouldn’t. Luckily his name is Michael so I change the Mas…to Michael usually quickly.

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” -Edgar Allan Poe

30 Days of Kink – Day 26

02kink2Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Well this has hit one of my pet peeves. I have been there and done that and it does nothing for me. I embraced it at one time as I thought it was all I could have, but then I knew I needed more and got offline.

My pet peeve comes in when someone will write me and they say they are owned and talk of their life of service and how it feels. Or they talk about the scene they had last night. They talk about how brutal it, how the lashes hurt, and then I find out that it was all online and nothing done in real life.  When I say that he slaps my face and then spits on me, it is because he is actually doing it to me. There is an actual red cheek and spit dripping down my face. When I am getting him his coffee, cleaning his house, and doing many other acts of service, I am doing them here in person.

It is okay if you want and desire BDSM online, just don’t tell me you are being brutally beaten when you aren’t. Say “we role-played online that he beat me.” I would respect that a lot more than making it seem like it is all done in person when it isn’t.

See the rest of the 30 Days of Kink questions here.

Sharpie

I have a doctors appointment today. The doctor will most likely be pushing on my bare belly. So this morning I asked Master if he would help me make sure I have all the sharpie off me in places I can’t see when I took my shower. He said, “Oh I am sure you are fine.”

So one hour before my appointment, I pull my panties down and ask Master if he sees sharpie.

“Yes! Oh umm cunt is clearly visible.”

So 30 minutes before I need to leave, Master is helping me scrub sharpie off my body.