Whatever ails us

I’m always amazed whenever I read a thread about whether a slave is really a slave if they suffer from depression or whether I’m dominant enough because I yield authority whenever a migraine hits danae or if she’s having a really bad day.

Really?

Being in the lifestyle doesn’t give us a reason to stop being human.

Bad days are just part of the human condition. It doesn’t make us “less than” anything. I’m definitely not in the lifestyle to be in a race or in a comparison of our dicks to see who is the better d-type. I’ve maintained the road that resonates best with danae and I because that’s what we decided from the onset. There is no one “twue” way for any of us and folks need to start figuring that out for themselves.

At the end of the day and after the cum stains fade away, we’re still human with very real issues, very real scars and very real difficulties. It’s a matter of choice whether we’re invested for the long haul or if it’s really just a 6 month soiree’. If it’s the latter, at least have the audacity to communicate that with one another. Don’t use someone’s depression, arthritis, or other ailment as an excuse to discard them after you find the “newer, better model.” Be strong enough to say what you feel and what your intentions and expectations are.

Moreover, have enough integrity to admit that you’re a player when you take what you want under the guise of pretending to be someone you’re not. Telling an s-type that you want them totally and completely means just that. Saying you’re in it for the long term, means just that. D-types, if you’ve decided your s-type is “less than,” it’s really YOU who is – not them.

The s-types are being who they are – as promised, now it’s up to you to deliver.

Be the D-type you tout, not the D-type figment you dreamt up.

What the cuck?

Wait, what?

Don’t you mean fuck?  (no … cuck … as in cuckelry … no not cutlery ….)

“Okay, what’s cucking then?”

These are just my thoughts on the subject and not anywhere close to being the end all be all on the subject. It’s merely an entry to get my thoughts out of my head where I can look at it.

Cucking has been around since the dawn of man. By definition, cucking is the act of “cheating, adultery and other forms of promiscuity.” Except cucking isn’t exactly cheating … but it is … but it’s not. Even with all the trademarks of being adultery, it’s consensual adultery. Except it’s not really consensual – but it is.

Confused yet?

Cucking is a complicated consensual dynamic. Cucking is having a separate relationship with another person without say, consideration or input from the cuck. That relationship can be as broad and deep or as narrow and shallow as defined by the other participants. Cucking can be humiliating. Cucking can involve emotional sadomasochism.

Examining the participants may make a bit more sense:

There’s the cuck. Traditionally, we hear about cuck being a male as a cuckhold. He gets to watch his wife have sex with another man, he is maybe not allowed to orgasm, and is otherwise chaste. He doesn’t get to participate and is shamed for watching. Wife gets to demean the poor cuck for not participating in the festivities and the other man (i.e. the bull) gets to have sex while demoralizing the cuck who doesn’t get anything.

So it is about fucking.

It can be. But it could also be as benign as the wife spending time on a date, having a great time (privately) with another man while the cuck knows about it back home. The degrees of cucking can range from the one-time fling to having an established relationship with the other man (or woman.)

So why blog about it? Why bring it up?

danae and I have been spending a lot of time talking over the last few weeks. During one of our drives back home after traveling, we started discussing our sex lives and fantasies and viola’ enter the world of cuck. danae expressed her desire to have a cuckquean relationship dynamic. In her emotional masochistic mind, it excites her knowing that I’m involved with another woman and she doesn’t get a say in it.

Aside from having that whiplash “what the hell did you say” moment, it also tapped into my emotional sadism dark thoughts. After having spent a great deal of time thinking through the various aspects of cucking, it’s a new unchartered course that has already created some interesting dynamic changes for danae and I. (and I haven’t even approached anyone for even considering a cuck relationship with yet.)

“So you’re cheating on her?!”

That’s how it looks, and that’s how cucking works. Cuckqueans and cuckholds offer their blessing, permission or desire for their significant other to pursue relations with someone else for purposes of cucking.  danae finds it very exciting, humiliating and otherwise emotionally masochistic to know I will be out with other women. In her mind and other cucks, the perceived “cheating” is actually the fetish.

The biggest difference is that everyone is KNOWING going into the dynamic. Things are communicated out in the open and known. Nothing hidden.

“But won’t you harm danae in the process?!”

No, it won’t as this is what danae desires.  It’s similar to having a V-style poly dynamic with the added spice of knowing danae is enjoying my relationship with someone else.

“Will it be just sexual?!”

Cucking situations can be just for sex or they can be sustained relationships that work independently from the primary dynamic. What would I personally want? I typically don’t do casual. I need connectivity and to do so – requires that I have some sort of relationship with someone. I’m not sure what that completely looks like right now because I’m still trying to digest the whole cucking world. But right now, I can’t see it just being a fling – it has to be longer than that, deeper than that.

“That won’t be fair to the other woman though”

That’s possibly true. The landscape has to be very much exposed and in the open for the other woman to make a rational choice of whether or not she’s even interested in such a dynamic. I’m very much aware of what this does for the other woman and would want her needs and wants met for the duration of the relationship just like how it would be if I was single and dating.

“Would she need to be a slave?”

She would need to be an s-type to some degree (at least to me). At this point I’m not sure a slave surrender would be ideal in cucking – but I’m still processing that out.

“What happened to your poly triad dynamic dream?”

That dynamic has been put away for now. It doesn’t mean that danae and I won’t revisit it at some point, but right now we’re not seeking a poly triad family. We haven’t thrown the poly triad concept out – but it’s something we’re not pursuing.

“Will the other woman need to be intimate with danae?”

No. The cuck dynamic can be set up to have no involvement with danae – or can be modified to include danae in only specific instances.

“Does danae get a say in who you select to have a relationship with?”

No, she doesn’t.

“Do you feel bad about that? All of this seems very wrong.”

I don’t feel bad about it because it’s a relationship dynamic change. The M/s and way we’re approaching poly has also changed. As a result, yes – I fully admit that the outside appearances may look very wrong, but it has been done on a consensual basis.

“So this isn’t a permanent situation?”

It can be. It’s up to the other woman if she chose to have a long-term relationship dynamic with me. danae still gets no say in it and has agreed to that.

“What if I’m married and have a complex relationship with my husband, but I want to pursue a cuck relationship with you as the other woman?”

It’s impossible for me to know if a complex married relationship would or wouldn’t work in the cuck relationship that we’re going into. At this point I’m not saying anyone’s existing or non-existing situation would work or not work. It requires chemistry and talking things through to know exactly where things come out.

So there you have it. The skinny on things to come as we venture forward on this upcoming Path. Questions and comments are always welcome as it helps me better rationalize all the various aspects I may not have considered.

Dark changes

Folks perusing our feed will notice that things have gotten considerably darker between danae and I lately.

This isn’t because our relationship is on the rocks or is breaking a part. We’re about to embark on a darker voyage for the both of us that has been discussed between us for a while now.

More posts will be forthcoming in the coming days that illustrate those changes.

(yes, this is a teaser … always like keeping people at the edge of their seats …)  🙂

The Line too far

We spank until we leave red marks.
We inflict pain until little yelps and cries can be heard.
We use implements that leave bruises that can be felt for days after.
We cane until welts raise from the skin.
We use needles.
We use electrical devices.
We bind and contort.
We use implements until we cry.
We use gags.
We use collars and leashes.

We wear bruises like badges of honor.
We touch our welts as reminders of good times.
We brutally assault orifices that many would be squicked about.

So imagine my surprise when someone posts a picture of a bruised and swollen eye where the comments become: “that’s too far”, “that’s abuse” and “that’s not right”.

Hmm….

I get that. I respect that.

But let’s say for a moment that we’re honest outside observers looking at all the things we do. If we’re truly honest with ourselves, we can look at all the totality of all the cruel and wonderful things we do. That outside observation would also think striking another until bruises or welts form would be considered abuse.

That “line too far” gets a bit tricky to define when we all think we’re sane and rational for doing the things we do.

If it’s a matter degrees, then it’s also a matter of choice. We can elect to sunbathe in the sun or not. We can choose to sunbathe longer than dermatologists want and that’s our right to do so. We accept the responsibilities therein and we do so knowingly.

Intense, dark, seemingly borderline edge play is the exact … same … thing.

It comes back to trust.
It comes back to choice.

The next time you read someone’s “oh that’s over the line, that’s abuse” comment go check out their images and the fetishes they find acceptable and in their play repertoire …

It’s okay to disagree.
It’s okay to say: ‘that’s a line I will not cross.’
It’s okay to have that line for yourself.

That’s okay to say for yourself.

But when we start trying to define that for one another – it’s simply not possible. We need to remember that we’re informed, risk-consenting adults entering into a lifestyle that can be as edgy as we want it to be.

We can all mutually agree on the premise of risk-informed consent and personal responsibility for the things we do to one another. We are unable to define the lifestyle to someone else – as everyone needs to find their way on their own.

That’s how it should be.

Consensual Issues (part 6): Personal Responsbility

Be responsible.

Everyone should take ownership of the choices each one of us makes.  It shouldn’t matter who else was involved or what was decided or agreed upon.  Take skydiving as an example: Most folks just don’t drive out to the airplane, grab a chute and say: “okay, let’s go!” No.  There’s a process involved.  There’s also risk involved.  Just like the skydiver who has an equipment malfunction, they accept the fact that any number of things can happen.  Some of it they’re in control of, but there’s a lot of things outside their control as well.  That’s why one of the first things they teach you in skydiving class is to get into the habit of looking at the parachute and examine it for yourself, double and triple check the entire process to make sure all of the risks that we can control are mitigated.  If something isn’t right, fix it, get it replaced or don’t go.

Life is like that as well.  We’re responsible for what we spend, what we eat, what we smoke, what we ingest, how fast we drive, whether we see the doctor or not.  We’re responsible for the career choice we make, the schooling we opt for and whether or not to have children.

Our lives are designed around the choices we make, so why should the lifestyle be any different?

We’re adults.

A lot of times we need to make decisions while being risk aware and personally responsible for those decisions.  If something goes amiss in a scene or a relationship, then it’s rational to deduce that at least in part, our choices and decisions figured into the problem to begin with.

No, I’m not blaming the victim.  When we’re risk aware – going into a situation that may or may not end up going exactly like we planned … then we can also accept that some of the things that may happen during the scene or whatever can sometimes go awry.  This can be as minor as a misplaced single-tail stroke … or a cuff that is on too tight and cutting off circulation.Everyone has to accept that things can go awry.  Period.

When it’s an overt, blatant violation of trust where there was never an intent to stay within the confines of what was negotiated, then we’re talking about a perpetrator that clearly stepped over the line and for those folks, there is no recourse. These are the liars, the predators, the scammers among us. For these folks, nothing can be believed or trusted because they really don’t care about anything but themselves and what they’re after. If you come across one of these fine folks – don’t engage them. You can exercise your choice to say: “no thanks.”

Now for the somewhat controversial part of the post …  I am saying that there’s some responsibility if the s-type goes into a situation knowingly or if they simply didn’t grasp the entirety of what they were walking into.  Being lied to is one thing, going to the Motel 6 for a “beat and greet” without knowing the person you’re going to be with – then I do hold the s-type at least partly responsible for not checking the parachute before they got in the plane or at least figuring out what’s involved with sky-diving.

When we don’t use our sensibilities, we can sometimes make bad choices.

Same thing holds true if that s-type meets up with someone who has a history for playing hard.  If the s-type and the d-type don’t come to a rock solid understanding before hand, then there’s a strong likelihood that there’s going to be some shared responsibility across the spectrum.

s-types need to be strong here. They need to have resolve and that flirting fear of self-preservation working. If they don’t investigate, ask, get to know, negotiate, inform, educate and discuss … then they’re running the risk of not being appropriately prepared.

d-types need to listen, observe and respond truthfully at all times. If they’re involving themselves with an s-type that isn’t asking questions or contributing to the overall negotiation of the situation then that’s a concern. I’m not sure I’d scene with someone who didn’t at least ask what the ground rules and lines were going to be. It’s a classic case of setting up the scene to end badly. I find it also my responsibility to take charge by informing them, educating them, negotiating with them, and LISTENING to them. Just because it wasn’t discussed while negotiating it out, does NOT mean that it’s fair and open to do.

Never, EVER assume.

Communicate!  A lot goes a long way from when we’re all on the same wavelength. We can talk things through the onset and can convey our likes, wants, desires and expectations from the situation.  If we’re not informed, well communicated and otherwise completely honest with ourselves then all parties are setting themselves up for the potential for a less than desirable experience.

Being responsible means being honest. A common theme throughout this series is that it starts with us, individually, knowing ourselves as much as we can. Once we achieve that level of understanding about ourselves, then we can be honest with those we want to play with. Good scenes, relationships and situations require that we can be honest with one another from the very onset and be consistent through the entire experience.  That’s when things should go pretty much according to plan. Lying and dishonest types are ultimately going to lead to some really bad conclusions. If you’re lying or misleading someone – and you do this willfully (as opposed to both sides never asking or addressing the issue) then you deserve the additional scrutiny being brought upon you.

Being responsible means we know the expectations. Not just know the expectations but both parties know what the expectations are going to be. We all imagine “this is how I think things are going to go.” Only problem, we don’t articulate that enough. Hence when our expectations are “eh” or fall down horribly, we walk away dissatisfied, upset or hurt. We sometimes set ourselves up for that fall, but if we don’t communicate to one another what we expect to have happen, then it can be a disappointing experience.

Being responsible means having respect. It’s incredibly hot having those scenes where the s-type is debased, head pressed down by a black leather boot and the thrill of being “taken” is well at hand. Deep down, this kind of exchange happens because a level of respect had been already been conveyed that allowed such an activity to happen. If this happened on Main Street, USA, there would be those calling 911, it would be frightening, less than happy or thrilling ….

So, a level of respect is established in one form or another. It means that the s-type has bestowed a level of trust with the d-type they’re with. It’s not automatically assumed or presumed. Merely saying “I’m a dominant” or “I’m a master” doesn’t mean anything. It’s how we carry ourselves, how open we are, how much we respect the people we’re with and the situations we’re involved in.

Being responsible means there’s a shared involvement. It seems pretty obvious, but if we’re all consenting adults to something, then there’s shared involvement. If there’s deceit by either side, then that’s clearly not cool and the accountability in that situation will be clear and evident. Anything beyond willful deceit, there’s a strong possibility that both sides could have some responsibility to what happened.

I’m also not talking about liars or cheaters either. Folks who haven’t been honest in their respective situations are simply not responsible enough to engage with another person. Be honest and forthcoming about things folks.

However if folks have been open and sharing, then other explanations can be derived. If there’s a knowing component, then I’m sorry – you should’ve known. If there’s an experience or knowledge component, then I’m sorry – you should’ve read up on it, sought advice or otherwise

Being responsible means being accountable. It starts with us being brutally honest with what happened. While there might be degrees and percentages of shared responsibility, we each have to own up to what happened and transpired. Put away the finger pointing and assess what you personally did that contributed to the situation. It’s about taking personal accountability for your part. If there was a lying deceitful partner, we also have to accept that this happens too.

But d-types who think they can do no wrong have to wake up to realize that their decisions and conduct are pretty damn important in what happened.  Drop the egos, drop the bravados, drop the personas.  Folks need to own up, quit the lying, quit the denying and be openly honest with what happened and why.

If we’re not accountable for the actions we do, then our integrity suffers.  When we’re stuck in blaming or defensive mode, we no longer are no longer someone that can be trusted.  Accepting responsibility means that we account for our part to the situation.  It means you’re approaching it realistically instead of continually finger pointing or trying to maintain some fantasy driven fodder that exists in your mind.

Being responsible means you accept that accidents can still happen:  No one plans on accidents – hence the reason why the term invokes surprise or unexpected results.   Mindfully invoke the honest and accountability clauses up above and if it’s truly an accident – then we should accept it as such.  Can accidents be avoided?  Some, but not all.  Remember, sometimes “shit happens.”  But if we’re fully planned, all things double and triple checked – accidents can still happen, right?

It comes down to intent.
If it was a deliberate thing – then that’s a different story.
If it was a miscommunication – then there’s likely shared blame.
If it was an accident – then the reality is that “accidents happen.”

It comes down to how well did the parties work through all the details and ways to safeguard from having a bad experience.  If the s-type forgets their inhaler and goes into an asthma attack, then it’s both parties responsibility – not just the s-type.  The d-type needs to ask these questions long before the first rope is applied or the scene gets underway.  If we don’t exercise degrees of preparedness then we are opening ourselves up to more accidents and miscommunication opportunities.

Being responsible means being educated.  Imagine if you will, hiring someone who will take you up in a plane and let you jump out using a parachute you learned how to make and pack using YouTube.  You received no other training but you’ve seen everyone else do it on TV: “how hard can this be?”  Now should we then be in complete amazement when something goes wrong and the parachute doesn’t open?  Not really.

That’s why I turn back to the education and outreach outlets as being viable and important information resources for newcomers to learn how to do things.  How to approach potential scene partners and what to realistically expect.  It’s absolutely not surprising when we hear about folks who thought the lifestyle was a harlequin romance novel only to be sadly disappointed when it doesn’t meet the bodice ripper expectations going in.

Being responsible means we stay within the boundaries and lines established: I’ve already established that we ALL need to work to stay within the boundaries and lines established.  Merely claiming you’re a d-type and believing you have the authority to cross those lines doesn’t mean you actually DO have that authority.  It’s basic respect and if that can’t be established then you really shouldn’t be playing with others.

DO NOT GO BEYOND THE ESTABLISHED LINE.  If a line and boundary are established, then stay within the bounds of those lines.

DO NOT ASSUME YOU CAN GO BEYOND THE LINE.  Just because things get hot and bothered, there is no basis to use someone’s floaty space against them so that you can move directly to sexual intercourse. (or some other avenue)  Even if the s-type is begging for it … don’t.  DON’T.  Their mindset and head space is not the same as it was at the beginning when things were negotiated.  You have got to assume that their ability to rationalize the situation has been compromised – and therefore there’s a trust built that you’ll stay within the lines and limits already established.

DO NOT SURPRISE. Waiting to spring that “aha” scene component that wasn’t discussed is very likely breaking one’s consent. Just because you think “oh she’ll love this” doesn’t mean she will. Remember, you’ve just spent a lot of time working out a negotiated scene or event, why fuck that up with a “gotcha stun gun” when that wasn’t on the radar at all? You’ve gone from having a potentially great experience and turned it into a steaming pile of crap all because you wanted to throw that last curveball – thinking it’ll be fun.

Being responsible means we need to LISTEN:  It seems rudimentary.  It’s so common and basic, yet so few do this because they’re caught up in the moment.

“Yes, reds are scat, blood and anal. (yada yada yada) Yes we are not going to have intercourse afterwards. (boring, yada yada yada)   Safecall protocols are in place, (god she has a magnificent body, damn!).  There will be no aftercare, just provide a blanket and a safe place.  (I can’t believe I talked her into being here.  I’m so going to photograph this – yippee!)  There will be no photography.  (I’m going to mark every inch of her life like I saw in that video  … oh wait, nod – she’s talking.)  If I have an asthma attack, I need my inhaler.  (When is she going to stop talking, my cock is rock hard now … nod faster, let’s get this show on the road!)”

Don’t think this happens?  When D-types get a one-track mindset going on … the crowning ship of the fleet can steer into the iceberg and we would still be oblivious to what’s going on.  (note to s-types, D-types have their own head space and focus, you’re not the only ones.  Ours sometimes talks at the belt line when we’re distracted by what’s going on …)

Remember folks, as the scene develops, our focus shifts.  It’s natural and expected, but please please please be mindful of boundaries, lines and other negotiated limits at all times.  Just because one or both of you go floaty, shouldn’t mean that either one of you can’t say: “hey, let’s dial that back a bit …”  It’s the responsibility of the D, as well as the s if things are slipping to communicate it to the other.

Being responsible means we need to communicate MORE:  It’s not just communicating more, but it’s about functional communication.  That’s why it’s important to not just negotiate out a scene, but what does “hard” mean to you?  What does “hard” mean to me?  We lack reference points and as a result, a lot of things don’t get addressed.  Moreover, we have folks around us that hide behind the anonymity of the internet.  These folks find it easy to create personas that they can emulate, tease and dangle in front of others.  We have even gotten to accept degrees of little white lies, “innocent silence” and other counterproductive communication pitfalls are to be accepted.

When it comes to consent, it has to be as perfectly clear as possible from point A to point B.  If there are dangling threads, be sure that they aren’t going to interfere with what’s going to happen.  It’s not essential to have someone’s biography before doing a scene with them.  The fact that they ran track in high school or played the banjo for 7th grade summer camp might be interesting factoids, but hardly relevant in the scope of the situation.  Finding out about injuries, conditions, past traumas … mindsets, expectations and past experience is much more intuitive for what you’re about to do.  Once we have solid communication, the better we can articulate what we want, the better the outcome is in the end. We do better with more information as our disposal.  It’s our responsibility to make sure we talk more and can convey things openly and honestly.

Being responsible means keeping it real:  Reality happens.  Work, health, family, kids, school, bills, repairs – all happen.  While there’s nothing wrong with making the lifestyle to be your escape please be aware and conscious of the fact that the people you are with may be taking it a bit more seriously.  There’s no “right way” – just LISTEN, be honest, be forthright and be communicative about it.

 

Consensual Issues (part 1): Rape culture & the lifestyle
Consensual Issues (part 2): The Problem is in the Definition
Consensual Issues (part 3): Separating facts from projections
Consensual Issues (part 4): The Unfortunate Death of Communication

Consensual Issues (part 5): Scolding the Dominant
Consensual Issues (part 6): Personal Responsibility
Consensual Issues (part 7): Community Responsibility

Consensual Issues (part 5): Scolding the Dominant

Bob got a raw deal in part 2 of this series.

…but Ted – Ted is someone to watch over.

Why?

Because he has “been Lord and Master for the last 27 years.”   (Ted’s profile lists him as 35 years old, but alright.)  Ted is a self-professed, self-driven, self-made rule driven dominant who lives a few shades short of Gor in the “I’ll do whatever the hell I want to” gray scale.  Ted can do no wrong.

I worry about Ted.

Why?

Ted is a player.  He plays with s-types like a cat plays with string.  Some s-types like that, most – will not.  Ted will portray himself and pretend to be anyone he absolutely has to be – because for him, s-types are prey to be chased and pursued.  Ted will use every possible thing at his disposal to get what he wants.  Ted will resort to lying, cheating, misrepresenting, crossing lines, breaking limits, extortion, threats and violence to get what he wants.

That’s why we can worry about Ted.

s-types croon over Ted because of how he self-appears to be an impressive d-type with that ice cold assurance of knowing what he wants.  He’s the bodice ripping, soul clenching, sexy, dominant that wraps his prey into his elaborate web.  He’s can also be a self-reported leader of the community and has been for “decades.”  But Ted is a fraud, a fake, a liar, a cheat and potentially a violent predator.  Ted is your consummate abuser type.  In his mind, it doesn’t matter what’s real, what’s not real.  He doesn’t care about the s-type’s feelings, emotions, triggers, lines or limits.  Ted does what Ted wants to do – fuck everything else.

Bottom line: don’t be like Ted.

First and foremost, don’t be like Ted: be above that:  It’s our responsibilities as d-types to assert the ground work of whatever it is that we’re doing.  s-types do have their part in this (which is to let you and I know what lines are out there, what their expectations are, what triggers and landmines may exist, any health issues, mental issues, drugs, important phone number contacts, etc.)  But ultimately it’s our show to run.

The more we’re open, upfront, honest, communicative, the more likely we’re going to have a reasonable situation evolve.  If you’re going to have a problem with things or if you can see some areas that make you cringe or isn’t your “brand of style” then stop and ask yourself, truthfully and honestly if you’re the right person for what is being negotiated.  If you’re not, then it’s better to back away and find someone else you can play/explore with.

Learn how to use your domly ego and bravado in ways that complement the situation and not be in conflict therein.  Be the above board party, be honest, and take responsibility for the things you say, do and think.

Be honest:  This should be a no brainer, but if you’re manipulating a situation while significantly omitting key relevant information (like the fact you’re married, have 2.5 kids) then please stop the lying.  Even the “small ones” like: “oh, she knows what I’m doing and is okay with it” is simply not acceptable.  If by concocting a lie to conceal yourself in the presence of others, then you’re a fraud.  Stop that.  Change that.  The more you lie, the more locks appear on the chain you’re dragging from your hobbles.  You’re going to get caught and yes, you’re going to get caught – then you will be labeled, tagged and otherwise fricasseed as being a lying, no good player.

If you don’t care at all who you hurt with your lies, then this is not the lifestyle for you.  Move along.  All you’re doing is being an asshole and causing pain on others because you can’t be honest to save your life.  It’s not our fault you’re in an unhappy marriage and it’s not our burden to shoulder.  If you’re just going to lie and cheat – then at least have the audacity to say that from the onset.  No surprises, no gotchas, no cookie.

But what if you’re tired of running.  Want to be free?  Develop an honesty zone at all times.  It doesn’t matter how crappy your situation is – the truth is better than trying to lie your way  in hopes to reach a happier place.  That kind of happiness has a really short lifespan and eventually adds to your ongoing stress.

Be real:  Yes, there are some s-types that keep looking for their Christian Grey, but as we learned, it’s not real.  It’s a contrived fantasy – which is good – when all parts agree that it’s a fantasy and all the expectations, lines and limits align as such.  Fantasies are good things.  They inspire creative explorations and create visions that make our heart skip a beat while our palms get sweaty.  But if you’re preying upon s-types touting the mansion you don’t own with the full-fledged dungeon that exists only in the pages of a book, then you’re selling yourself to be someone you’re not.  Stop that.  It’s okay to dream and have fantasies, but don’t sell something you don’t have.  It makes you a player and doesn’t work.

If you’re going to be doing things to an s-type, then learn.  Learn what it’s like to put Tabasco sauce on the nether regions or what it feels like to have a single tail leave a stripe against your backside.  Be realistic in how you approach your style of play.  Be realistic in how you play because s-types LOVE everything about being real.  Even if you can make some of the fantasy come true, then that’s a good thing!

Be smart, be compassionate: Not just make the right choices, but be observant, be aware, be open, listen, learn and always maintain your self-control.  If sally is having a difficult time – you need to assess what’s going on.  Don’t assume.  Don’t be an ass and tell her to snap out of it.  Don’t abandon.  Don’t pretend that you know.  Ask.  Invest yourself in what’s happening.  Don’t automatically assume that it’s YOUR place to push sally to her breaking point.  You have NO idea what you’re going into and the responsibility will fall on your shoulders.

If you dismiss sally’s problems and say they aren’t yours, then you’re not a responsible d-type.  You’re a player that’s not invested in her world as it’s crumbling around her and you really need to stop that.  Have the human common decency of caring.  If you want to be a dick, then have the audacity to tell sally going in: “I really don’t care about you, your issues, your breakdowns.  I don’t intend on hanging around when they happen, nor do I want to help you fix it.  Fix yourself so that you can resume sucking my cock.”

Don’t be a Ted.

Know when to say when:

Stop – when you should stop.

If the break in play is ruining your hard on – tough break kid.  Let the little boy wonder come back another day.  It always does.  If you lack self-control in those situations then you really need to evaluate what you’re doing.  You’re likely causing harm to others – and not the good harm either.  If you don’t understand this concept then you have a lacked capacity to know what’s going on with sally.  You’re a player.  Don’t project to be anything but that.  At least be true to yourself and be honest on that front.

Butt out of my business, will ya’ pal?

Sure!  Absolutely!  In fact, I really really don’t want to be in your business at all.

(honest!)

We’re all different, we have different tastes, desires, likes, dislikes … there’s no one right way.  So on the surface, I’d sigh heavily, bite my lip and say that Ted could do what he wants as long as Sally wants to be there and has agreed to all of this.  I’m in no place to stop Ted from doing what he wants to do.  I am, however, going to be paying attention to Sally and keep a mindful eye on her. Because it has happened before, it’ll happen again, Ted will do “one-more-thing” and something will happen within Sally to snap.  It’s his toy to break.

… and if Ted doesn’t care – then folks start thinking that it’s their business to know about Ted then all of a sudden, it becomes everyone’s business.

If sally wants to bolt – and rationalizes it – then that’s her journey and call to make.  We can then rally around Sally so that she knows she isn’t alone, but in the end if someone wants to be terrorized like what Ted is doing – and if Sally, Judy or Sue want to submit themselves to that – then – that’s their choice.  I just hope they are going in very informed and know what the ramifications are.

Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink.

It’s up to Sally to decide if Ted is her brand of bologna.  It absolutely does not matter what I think of Ted or his ways – it’s what Sally believes.

However …

Even if Ted convinces Sally to stay, it’s safe to say that not every s-type will follow anywhere close to where Sally is at.  In fact, a lot of them would go: “thanks but no thanks.”  Why?  Because we’re different.  Some folks come into the lifestyle because of the romanticized Harlequin bodice ripping stories.  Others come into the lifestyle to feed their fetish.  Others love the community.  Others like the intense play.  By and large, I find a lot of s-types want to bond and connect with their D. Most want to know that the service, submission or surrender they are putting out there actually gets recognized and treated with some degree of acceptance or respect.

Folks like Ted have no vision for what they’re doing.  They see themselves as a trailblazer who doesn’t have to be accountable for anyone.  While that’s true, it also makes it very difficult for an s-type to follow along much less take the Nestea plunge and hope that everything works out.  Ted destabilizes the dynamic, which makes it difficult to have firm footing.  It’s flawed.  There’s no road up ahead, no bridge and no navigation.

S-types will vary as to what they’re looking for and wanting.  Some might want to be living in Ted’s uncertain future.  Most won’t.  I scold the likes of Ted because he’s more of a player than a D or an M.  At the first sign of problems, Ted is likely already out the door and disappears.  If s-types want to play with a player like Ted, I wish them luck.  Let them come together and try to make it work.

Important caveat:

For some s-types, Ted makes their toes curl.  They want that control, they want that discarded possibility because it excites them to no end.  Those s-types can’t really explain why they like Ted or the bad boy things he makes them do.  Some lifestyle folks would cast their abused stereotypes on the s. They see her as being damaged.  They see her as a hurt and wounded animal that’s destined to repeat the abusive cycle over and over.  The s-type looks at themselves as being fully functioning and being perfectly okay with where they are.

The point is: be careful before casting judgement on Ted, but Ted has to pull his head out of his ass as well.  If sally swoons at his beck and call (and loves it) – then she’s okay.  He’s okay.  They’re okay.  The situation is okay even if we gasp in shock or horror at what we’re witnessing or reading.  We can say: “we would never do anything like that,” but that’s not our call to make.  The important thing is to gather all the facts and have a very wide angle lens when you’re reviewing someone else’s dynamic.  It’s probably not going to be something you personally want …. and that’s okay too.

 

Consensual Issues (part 1): Rape culture & the lifestyle
Consensual Issues (part 2): The Problem is in the Definition
Consensual Issues (part 3): Separating facts from projections
Consensual Issues (part 4): The Unfortunate Death of Communication

Consensual Issues (part 5): Scolding the Dominant
Consensual Issues (part 6): Personal Responsibility
Consensual Issues (part 7): Community Responsibility