Emotional Masochism

sgrough2dwI am an emotional masochist. I think the common definition is deriving sexual satisfaction/pleasure from emotional pain.

I do get turned on by the emotional pain often, but sometimes I don’t get turned on by it. Instead I feel something inside me that just feels fulfilled by emotional pain and not physically turned on. I enjoy feeling wrecked and destroyed. Usually not in the moment, but after. Time frame of that after has had a wide range from moments after to years after. So eventually yes I do get sexual gratification because those times that destroyed me are some things I masturbate to now. So in a round about way it does usually end with sexual pleasure.

We do this in private or in situations where others around us are unaware of what we are doing. Such as him leaning over and whispering in my ear what “worthless whore”  and just an hour before he had me shoved on his cock while I was crying from how he wrecked me…no one sees what he is doing. It is for us not others.

It is deeply intimate for us. I will be sobbing and wrecked after he has been cruel and often look up at him and say, “I love you” because it is so intimate that I feel like my heart is ready to explode with love because this man gets me enough to destroy me.

From my profile on Fet: I feel most like myself when being wrecked by my Owner. My favorite way of destruction is when he uses words along with his hands to destroy me. It is comforting and also terrifying at the same time. I find balance in my daily life when humiliation, degradation, and violence are regular part of my existence. Emotional masochism/masochism bring the walls down protecting all the secrets in the dark so that I lay at his feet sobbing with nothing left to hide. I find beauty and joy come from the brutality.

What the cuck?

Wait, what?

Don’t you mean fuck?  (no … cuck … as in cuckelry … no not cutlery ….)

“Okay, what’s cucking then?”

These are just my thoughts on the subject and not anywhere close to being the end all be all on the subject. It’s merely an entry to get my thoughts out of my head where I can look at it.

Cucking has been around since the dawn of man. By definition, cucking is the act of “cheating, adultery and other forms of promiscuity.” Except cucking isn’t exactly cheating … but it is … but it’s not. Even with all the trademarks of being adultery, it’s consensual adultery. Except it’s not really consensual – but it is.

Confused yet?

Cucking is a complicated consensual dynamic. Cucking is having a separate relationship with another person without say, consideration or input from the cuck. That relationship can be as broad and deep or as narrow and shallow as defined by the other participants. Cucking can be humiliating. Cucking can involve emotional sadomasochism.

Examining the participants may make a bit more sense:

There’s the cuck. Traditionally, we hear about cuck being a male as a cuckhold. He gets to watch his wife have sex with another man, he is maybe not allowed to orgasm, and is otherwise chaste. He doesn’t get to participate and is shamed for watching. Wife gets to demean the poor cuck for not participating in the festivities and the other man (i.e. the bull) gets to have sex while demoralizing the cuck who doesn’t get anything.

So it is about fucking.

It can be. But it could also be as benign as the wife spending time on a date, having a great time (privately) with another man while the cuck knows about it back home. The degrees of cucking can range from the one-time fling to having an established relationship with the other man (or woman.)

So why blog about it? Why bring it up?

danae and I have been spending a lot of time talking over the last few weeks. During one of our drives back home after traveling, we started discussing our sex lives and fantasies and viola’ enter the world of cuck. danae expressed her desire to have a cuckquean relationship dynamic. In her emotional masochistic mind, it excites her knowing that I’m involved with another woman and she doesn’t get a say in it.

Aside from having that whiplash “what the hell did you say” moment, it also tapped into my emotional sadism dark thoughts. After having spent a great deal of time thinking through the various aspects of cucking, it’s a new unchartered course that has already created some interesting dynamic changes for danae and I. (and I haven’t even approached anyone for even considering a cuck relationship with yet.)

“So you’re cheating on her?!”

That’s how it looks, and that’s how cucking works. Cuckqueans and cuckholds offer their blessing, permission or desire for their significant other to pursue relations with someone else for purposes of cucking.  danae finds it very exciting, humiliating and otherwise emotionally masochistic to know I will be out with other women. In her mind and other cucks, the perceived “cheating” is actually the fetish.

The biggest difference is that everyone is KNOWING going into the dynamic. Things are communicated out in the open and known. Nothing hidden.

“But won’t you harm danae in the process?!”

No, it won’t as this is what danae desires.  It’s similar to having a V-style poly dynamic with the added spice of knowing danae is enjoying my relationship with someone else.

“Will it be just sexual?!”

Cucking situations can be just for sex or they can be sustained relationships that work independently from the primary dynamic. What would I personally want? I typically don’t do casual. I need connectivity and to do so – requires that I have some sort of relationship with someone. I’m not sure what that completely looks like right now because I’m still trying to digest the whole cucking world. But right now, I can’t see it just being a fling – it has to be longer than that, deeper than that.

“That won’t be fair to the other woman though”

That’s possibly true. The landscape has to be very much exposed and in the open for the other woman to make a rational choice of whether or not she’s even interested in such a dynamic. I’m very much aware of what this does for the other woman and would want her needs and wants met for the duration of the relationship just like how it would be if I was single and dating.

“Would she need to be a slave?”

She would need to be an s-type to some degree (at least to me). At this point I’m not sure a slave surrender would be ideal in cucking – but I’m still processing that out.

“What happened to your poly triad dynamic dream?”

That dynamic has been put away for now. It doesn’t mean that danae and I won’t revisit it at some point, but right now we’re not seeking a poly triad family. We haven’t thrown the poly triad concept out – but it’s something we’re not pursuing.

“Will the other woman need to be intimate with danae?”

No. The cuck dynamic can be set up to have no involvement with danae – or can be modified to include danae in only specific instances.

“Does danae get a say in who you select to have a relationship with?”

No, she doesn’t.

“Do you feel bad about that? All of this seems very wrong.”

I don’t feel bad about it because it’s a relationship dynamic change. The M/s and way we’re approaching poly has also changed. As a result, yes – I fully admit that the outside appearances may look very wrong, but it has been done on a consensual basis.

“So this isn’t a permanent situation?”

It can be. It’s up to the other woman if she chose to have a long-term relationship dynamic with me. danae still gets no say in it and has agreed to that.

“What if I’m married and have a complex relationship with my husband, but I want to pursue a cuck relationship with you as the other woman?”

It’s impossible for me to know if a complex married relationship would or wouldn’t work in the cuck relationship that we’re going into. At this point I’m not saying anyone’s existing or non-existing situation would work or not work. It requires chemistry and talking things through to know exactly where things come out.

So there you have it. The skinny on things to come as we venture forward on this upcoming Path. Questions and comments are always welcome as it helps me better rationalize all the various aspects I may not have considered.

“Do you really think I give a fuck that it hurts?”

We were traveling Wednesday. I suggested bringing the clover clamps, because well I am masochist. Not especially smart on my part though.

Our Wednesday had already started out with putting me into a mindset. I was still in that place when got on the road. A couple hours into our travel the clamps were attached. The roads are needing work so every time we hit a hole or rough patch, I would let out some moans.

About 6 minutes into wearing them, Master grabbed the chain and yanked on hard. I let out screams of protest. He laughed at me and then told me that he didn’t “give a fuck if it hurt.”

I begged, “Master…please…please…”

“Do you really think I give a fuck if it hurts? Do you really think you matter? Do you? God you are just so pathetic.” (He went on to say other things, but I don’t remember it word for word as I was feeling it)


“Just shut the fuck up. I don’t even want to hear you.”

His tone…his tone was harsh. He didn’t give a fuck. His voice had that primal edge to it where he just wants to hurt me and doesn’t “care.” I know Master loves me, but there are times when his Sadist comes out, in a way that is primal and brutal. He and I have called it his beast. Well the beast was present and every time he said he didn’t give a fuck. I knew…I was going to be a complete wreck. Really I started to crumble right away.

He got extremely cruel saying things to me that made me feel those things I keep tucked away far away…deep and hidden. He made me feel in ways that made me want to turn away and hide. But we were in the car and the only place I was hiding was behind my sunglasses.

He kept on verbally hurting me as he physically hurt me. Not just yanking, but punching, grabbing and slapping my tits with one hand and verbally flinging words to cut into me.

When I would use the word “please,” he would hurt me more. I would beg “Master, please stop.” He would again remind me he can do whatever he wanted and he wanted it to hurt me so asking him to stop wasn’t going to get me far.

At one point he told me he might let up a little if his dumb cunt asked properly. I was sobbing and wrecked by now so it came out easy as my mind accepted it.

“Master, dumb cunt would appreciate if you stopped hurting it.”

He eased up just a little.

This continued on and he would hurt me, I would cry and beg, he would hurt me more, I would degrade myself by begging in ways to please him, and then he would ease up just a little bit so I could catch my breath. He would start all over again.

At the 30 minute mark, he yanked on the chain hard as he did a count down. One hard yank for each number. He told me when he got to zero, I could take the right one off. He said, “200.” I started shaking my head and sobbing more. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t count down from 200. My brain and body were screaming no.

He the said, “99,98, 64, 31, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.” Just random numbers between 200 and 10 and then a countdown from 10.

I took the right off when he said zero. As those that have had clover clamps on know the taking off hurts so I let out screams.

He said, “now the same for the left.” He started at 200 again and did his countdown before finally getting to zero where I could get release my sore left nipple.

During his emotional jabs as well as his physical jabs, I was wrecked and crying, but I almost orgasmed from each spike of pain because I was also turned on. My body reacted to the emotional and physical pain. I was too wrecked though to figure out how to ask permission to orgasm.

He didn’t let me put my breasts back at first so my sore nipples rubbed against the edges of my bra. He slapped and punched me a few more times and again I wanted to orgasm, but wasn’t fully aware how to ask.

Finally when we were almost to Denver he had me pull myself together before reaching our destination.

My nipples were sore and hard though for the next 24 hours and Master would see them poking through my shirt as a signal to hurt them. Every time we were alone he was clamping on to them, and punching and slapping them.

Say It

On Wednesday afternoon, I was packing, as we are headed out of town. Master walked in the bedroom and stood at the end of the bed. He told me to come to him as he pointed to the floor before him.

I walked to him apprehensively as the tone in his voice said something evil this way comes. He lifted his right hand revealing a black sharpie. He ordered me to put my hands behind my back as he took the cap off. He wrote on my left breast “Hi my name is dumb cunt.”

FullSizeRender(1)He said, “Say it.” I started to open my mouth and say some thing and closed it. I opened my mouth again and said in a quiet wobbly voice, “Hi my name is dumb cunt.”

He then had me lay on the bed and on my belly he wrote and drew arrows pointing down to my pussy. He wrote, “This cunt is smarter than my dumb cunt.”

After he ordered me to pull on long opera length gloves and open mouth pvc hood as I was going to spend some time between his legs. I gave him a blow job and all the while he talked to me. He told me I was pathetic, worthless, that he was going to have to find someone who really knew how to suck cock, and on and on with degrading remark after degrading remark.

At one point, I heard his phone ding with a text. He told me to just hold my mouth on his cock and not move. He said, “maybe you can do that right.” I heard him type on his phone while I just held my mouth around his cock. I had all sorts of thoughts on is he telling someone how worthless I am, is he texting with someone who he thinks would give him a better blow job, is he bored with the blow job, is he bored with me. Each thought hurt and aroused me at the same time.

Soon he told me to suck. I sucked and twirled my tongue over his cock hoping he would be pleased with me. He continued to degrade me and tell me I was pathetic and that he couldn’t believe people paid for this from me.

Yes, he was hitting all the emotional masochist buttons. Sex is always something I have felt I am good at and he is Master so telling me that I am pathetic during a blow job of course hits me.

After he orgasms, he has me come lay next to him and he tells me to repeat back his words. I can’t remember what he wanted me to say, but I couldn’t say it. My brain was saying don’t do it. Which wasn’t a wise move as soon punches hit my body. He would stop and tell me to say it again. I would shake my head no not able to speak. He punched me harder this time. Several punches that made me almost orgasm with the intense pain.

He stopped and told me I could take off the hood when I said it. I can’t tell you what it was as I was so out of it from all that happened and from the mental trip my brain was playing with actually saying it. I eventually said it and he told me I could take the hood and gloves off.

We laid there and talked about normal things to get my head back into our day before we left.

Master and I have always walked a fine line with humiliation. We both like it when he uses it, but he needs me to function and serve daily and humiliation and degradation combined with brutality spin me into my deepest places. Master and I are exploring those places. Basically it feels like the gloves are coming off and blood is going to happen all the time now. It is what we both want and desire.

Kink of the Week: Golden Showers

bannershoes-e1362893440910This is an old Kink of the Week, but since I am new to them I thought I would go back and take a stab at answering some of the past Kink of the Week posts. This one is one I really like so I definitely wanted to answer it.

So is this a kink that works for you? Have you experimented with it and discovered that it is something that turns you on or maybe you found the opposite was true? Could it be that you have always been curious or even fantasized about it but never got to actually experience it? Maybe it is just an out-and-out hard limit? Whatever your thoughts, feeling or experiences are about this subject then we want to hear about them.

So first Master and I have both written about golden showers before so you can check out those posts if you want.

Golden Showers are a kink that works for me. I never thought it would be the case. I was in a M/s relationship with a man named Kam from 1998 to 2000. He told me he liked them and I would submit to him doing them on me. It had always been listed as a hard limit before him. My views of being a slave means I don’t get to impose my limits on my Master.

I was quite shocked the first time he did one on me as my feelings and reaction to it were completely different from I ever expected.

I remember my first golden shower clearly. I was trembling as I knelt in the bathtub. I was nervous and scared and frankly I didn’t know if I could go through it, but knew I had to try to please my dominant.

As I knelt, I felt myself surrender. He was a large, tall man and the power of him standing over me swept through me and I remember thinking “he can do anything – even piss on me.” Soon I felt the warmth of his piss hit my skin…splashing across my belly, my breasts. Instead of feeling degraded and humiliated – which is what I thought would happen – I felt love and care. I felt connection and intimacy. I felt such a sense of pride in being his submissive. I felt him marking his territory and that was arousing, exhilarating, and possessive all at the same time.

I then unexpectedly opened my mouth. He aimed towards my mouth and I drank. It was a complete high. The feeling of what he was doing to me washed over me and everything went fuzzy. I was zoning…going to subspace.

I enjoy humiliation so you would have thought I would have wanted to have golden showers just for that reason.  I am not sure I even remember the reason why it had been a hard limit until then, but I do know it didn’t feel like I thought it would at all. Golden showers can have a humiliation factor to them now at times, but they are just erotic and intimate just like that first one. With Master we have a ritual that we do at times that has become deeply meaningful to us. The power of the ritual makes puts me in a deeply surrendered state that I float on it all day.

Golden showers are definitely a favorite kink of mine.

Slut Taking a Walk in the Woods

This happened when I was in Cleveland, Ohio…I think it was Spring 2000.sgdirtygirldw

There was this gentleman that I was friends who was dominant. Over the past year, we would met for coffee, lunch, hang out and such, but we never played. Anyway we had talked about having some kinky fun, but never could get the timing right. So finally it happened…he told to dress a certain way.  I dressed according to his wishes…I put on a short short black skirt, black thigh highs that had a wide black band on top instead of lace, sexy heels, a chiffon poets blouse that was floral print. The blouse was sheer with a deep plunging neckline and a keyhole peek-a-boo closure on top. No bra or panties were allowed.

It was beginning of March so still cold, but not really any snow on the ground at that time. It was not dry out, as it had been rainy and cloudy that day. I got in his car and he immediately starts in on me with his words and touches. He pulled my tits out of my blouse and started squeezing and slapping. He had me spread my legs wide apart and slapped and inner thighs. He called me names and I knew I was getting wet right away.

We drove to a wooded park with trails. We sat in his car while he bound my tits with bungee cords and then added nipple clamps with a lead chain on them. He pulled the lead out through one of the little keyhole in my blouse. You could see my tits point straight out like I was wearing a bullet bra. You could see them bound if you looked close enough at the blouse.

He told me to stay, as he got out of the car. He walked down the parking lot and disappeared on a trail as I sat in the car for a bit. It was mid-day and kind of cold so there were not many people out there. He came back and pulled me out by my hair roughly. He pulled me close and slapped my tits as he whispered into my ear that I looked like such whore. He picked up the lead chain and yanked. I let out a moan of pain. My breasts had already become very sensitive and engorged from being bound and clamped.

He pulled my coat off. He pulled my skirt up so it was barely covering my bum. But showing off the tops of my thigh highs. He pushed my thighs open and slapped my thighs hard over and over. He rubbed lightly over my cunt to tease me…it throbbed right away. I moaned. He laughed at me  – saying “slut” in a low and wicked voice that gave me shivers. He wrapped and tied my wrists up with a scarf and draped my coat over my tied wrists.

He took the lead chain coming from the clamps and started to walk. We were walking fast and it was hard at times to keep up with him. We started off on a trail and then he pulled me off the trail. I had to walk over tree limbs and past bushes. He would stop and push me against a tree roughly slapping my tits that throbbed with pain from being bound so tight. He would hurt me and then start walking again – pulling me to follow. I would feel the twigs grabbing at my ankles and calves. Then suddenly he would stop and push me into a tree again and pull my skirt all the way up spanking me. And just as suddenly as we stopped we started walking again him pulling me along again. He would tell me to speed up. He would laugh at me as I struggled in my heels walking (more like tripping) through wet leaves and dirt. I got caught on fallen branches and would stumble and again he would laugh at me just speed up making me practically run. Which of course with my bound tits made them bounce and jiggle causing me to wince and moan in pain. He then would stop and push me against a tree and slap my tits again. He hit them so hard I let out a little scream so he slapped me across the face telling me to be quiet. Seeing the sadism in his eye, I know I needed to be quiet.

He then pulled me along again…fast making me fall on my knees. He came behind me and spanked my ass and kicked at me. He laughed at my clumsiness. He told me to stay on my knees. He took my coat, undid my hands from the scarf making me crawl – following him on my hands and knees. I crawled in the wet leaves and dirt. I felt the twigs ripe into my thigh highs snagging them and scratching against my skin. It then started to sprinkle rain again soon. He laughed at me again saying how desperate I must be to crawl after him. That I must be a wanton slut that would hump a tree to get off.

He pushed my face down…near the dirt…he didn’t push it in the dirt, but got my face really close. He told me that I belonged in the dirt. He made me say it. He then said, “you are a piggy in the mud.” He went over and over how dirty I was, how disgusting I looked with rips in my thigh highs, twigs in my hair, mud on my legs and so on. Each detail he described turned me on more. He told me he could smell how turned I was, that I liked being a piggy in the mud and I such a slut in the mud to allow him to treat me this way.  He finally pulled me up by my long hair roughly. Then he pushed me against a tree and pulled my tits out of my blouse…squeezing them telling me that I was a pig, a slut, a whore, a cunt and so on. He slapped them hard over and over and then removed the bondage and clamps. They hurt so much when he took each part off – I didn’t scream, but damn I wanted too let it out.

Soon we were walking again and he pulled my skirt down and guided me by my neck with my hair covering his hands. He then leaned into me and said someone is following us. He had me turn and sure enough back there through the trees I saw someone. He said keep walking. We turned to get back on the trail. We walked a bit and soon the man was not there. B thought he got bored when we started behaving so left us alone. We then walked a ways and went off the trail again. He stopped and pushed me against a tree so I was hugging the tree and my bottom was pushed out for him to spank. Then we walked a little bit again – stopping again, so he could play with my tits. And we would repeat this…each time we stopped he focused on a new area to play such as my cunt. He slapped, rubbed and grabbed my cunt hard. Being rough with it. And I squirmed and moaned. This repeated a few times…walk, stop & spank, walk, stop & play with my tits, walk, stop & play with my cunt. Finally he stopped and had me start stroking his cock…which shortly was followed by me being pushed to my knees in the dirt and giving him a blowjob. After he came, he told me to get straightened up and we walked back to his car. We sat there and talked for a bit before he took me home.

I remember being so wet and turned on. It even turned me on thinking someone had been watching me. Of course later I worried that the person thought I was being “abused” or “forced” but it still turned me on to think of someone watching me be used that way.

It was exciting being outside. Being all dressed slutty in an area that would normally require better walking attire. Being in heels walking around in the dirt just made me feel more slutty for some reason. Soft sexy see through poets blouse against the rough bark of the tree. Crawling around in the dirt in my thigh highs and short skirt. It was….a rush of emotions….exciting and very much a turn on.