Expected Guilt, Unexpected Help

Tonight, I came home exhausted to Sir and danae. As I sat down to dinner with them, I couldn’t even form a coherent thought, I was so tired. I began eating the delicious asparagus leftovers, then realized I hadn’t asked permission to eat. This is one of the very first things I learned with Sir.

In frustration and sadness, I threw what was left of the piece of asparagus I had taken a bite of back onto my plate, cussing at myself. I felt my heart sink and the tears well up inside my throat. I had done the same thing last night when we were out to eat. Where was my head? I know I’m tired, but this is such a simple task. My chest hurt and I was afraid to look over at Sir. I did not want to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes.

I had to look, though, for what is an apology if you can’t look the person in the eyes? After a moment of sitting with my head hung in shame and frustration at myself, I took a deep breath, gathering my courage, looked up at him, and said, “I’m sorry.” – those words that are so inadequate, so miniscule in the face of what I feel he deserves.

I did not expect to find a matter-of-fact look on Sir’s face. I did not expect a nod of acceptance to my apology. Where was the sadness? Where was the disappointment? Where was the guilt trip? Where was the anger? Where was the punishment I deserved?

Instead of all of that, Sir calmly said he may have an idea on how to fix ‘this’ and that it was going to cause a reorganization of how we do things. I half-laughed, saying, “I’m scared,” as my brain frantically ran through all sorts of scenarios as to what he may be thinking of – none of them pleasant. He explained that it was something he had been thinking about for the last few days – one that was brought up at this last weekend’s ‘mental domination’ class given by Lady Marquetta and Slave Leonis. Sir explained that one of their protocols is when Leonis first sees his Mistress each day, he falls to his knees and kisses her feet. They had explained it was a way to reset. It is used to move Leonis from his independent state of being required by the world, to a place of surrender within Lady Marquetta’s presence.

Sir explained that he thought I might need that transition–a resetting from the concerns and burdens of the world (i.e., a successful administrative assistant, independent woman looking after her house) to that of surrender. He thought maybe we could find a protocol that would work for us both in private and in public (something subtle to be used when he visits me at the office, etc.). He then gave me permission to eat.

My chest continued to burn and was now in conflict with the relief and love I was feeling at his reaction. I slowly took a few bites to eat, contemplating this unexpected turn of events. My respect and admiration for Sir overwhelmed and virtually eliminated my self-imposed shame. I looked up at him in loving wonder. He noticed and inquired. I explained that I hadn’t expected such a reaction. He asked if I expected him to be angry. I nodded my head. He shook his.

danae chimed in and explained that Sir’s philosophy was to look at the why of a situation. Why was I forgetting? He understood that I wasn’t willfully doing it or looking for some kind of negative attention. He knows me enough to know that isn’t who I am. He was trying to figure out the cause and possible solutions. Sir was looking for a way to help me, rather than a reason to punish me. He basically took me by the hand and asked me what I thought of this alternate path versus the one I was on, and then offered to walk it with me holding my hand.

So different than the guilt I felt and the disappointment I expected. Sir helped me replace my inadequacies, fears, guilt, and shame with a positive hope and path forward. It seems to be a way of encouraging my growth, not a forceful tactic or threat to get obedience. It was a friendly hand to assist in my betterment in my chosen path of surrender. Amazing.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility …

Yes it’s a cliche from a popcorn action flick … but the underlying lesson is true to the core of ourselves.

While this largely applies to d-types, everyone is ultimately responsible for their behaviors in general.  That should be a pretty solid ideal that we should all be able to agree on.

I’m responsible for the decisions and choices I make.  Period.
I’m responsible to communicate effectively.  Period.
If I am not honest and forthcoming, that burden is on me.  Period.
If I’m not absolutely true to myself and I’m not able to communicate that to others, that burden is also on me.  Period.

Specifically for d-types:
If we’re not responsible and accountable for the power we wield then we shouldn’t wield it.  Period.
If we don’t own up to decisions we make then we’re not being responsible.  Period.
If we can’t accept blame for our part of things, then we’re not being responsible.  Period.
If we can’t accept the mistakes we make, then we’re not being responsible.  Period.

Stop blaming the s-types.
Stop shifting the blame to s-types.
Just because we can “justify” things in our own heads and try to shift blame to them doesn’t mean the onus of what happen shifts to the s-types.

D-types, it starts with us.

Unfortunately we let our d-type egos get in the way:
In our eyes “we can do no wrong.”
In our eyes “we can do whatever we want.”
In our eyes “if you can’t chop off your finger on command, then there’s the door.”
In our eyes “you do not question our authority.”

But if d-types can’t shut that off for a couple of minutes so that they can evaluate something that happened – then it’s going to be impossible to be able to realistically evaluate what actually happened.  Cycles will continue along with pain, disbelief, stress and frustration.  So if you like all of those things – then please keep doing what you’re doing and keep ignoring the signs on how to fix things.

This isn’t to say that there might not be a shared burden with the s-types of what happened – but I am saying that for d-types, the first stop of that evaluation starts with you, me, us.  If I’m giving conflicting commands, requests or preferences – then it’s up to ME to clarify what I meant.  If I give a command that ultimately ends up going badly – the burden is on ME to be responsible for giving that command in the first place.

If there’s a shared burden then please d-types, swallow the pride and ego and take the appropriate responsibility.  Your s-type is very likely eating their own butt because they feel badly about what happened.  s-types generally are not deliberately trying to SAM their way out of something … they really do want to serve us correctly.  s-types don’t want to fail us.  They want to do thy bidding and that means that they are only as good as how we train them.  That burden falls on US – not them.  If we don’t teach them how we want things, then it’s OUR burden to make changes.  It’s not our burden to get all upset because our s-types can’t read our minds because we’ve lost our ability to effectively communicate to them.

Fix it.

D-types bear the responsibility of a great power – at least try to fit the part.  Be reasonable, listen, learn, reflect.  s-types are putting a lot on the line for us … and if we want to lead them astray, be ineffective and otherwise become idiots then please do not be surprised when someone calls you out on that.  Merely calling yourself a d-type doesn’t make you dominant.  It’s much more than that.  You have it within your power to be a competent dominant but that requires that you have a solid sense of self that includes a strong sense of self, a solid base of respect and accountability.

Accept the fact you’ll make mistakes.
Accept the fact that until you change how you think and do certain things, you will continue to make the same mistakes.
Accept the fact that we’re not always going to be right.
Accept the fact we’re fallible and just get used to it.
Accept the notion that it’s okay to make mistakes.

Own it.

The lessons after such mistakes and fallible parts of ourselves is what makes us better.  We should continually strive to be better dominants.  We should continually learn and apply from the result of our decisions so that we get better as time goes on.  If we just want someone we can lead around, smack their ass and abandon – then at least have the audacity to be upfront with s-types from the onset that this is what you’re going to do to them.  It’s also important to note that you’re setting a very low bar for yourself.  If you’re not honest, if you’re not forthcoming and explicit about the things you want from an s-type – then you’re just an asshole.

Learn it.

D-types need to be brutally honest with themselves.  Anything less than honest makes d-types liars and fakes.  When d-types can be honest with themselves and will convey that honesty openly, then the integrity meter goes up a flight of stairs or two.  Maintaining that brutal honesty and be able to say: “here’s where I am, here’s what I want, here’s how you figure into that” makes it real.  It cuts out the unnecessary crap and gets to the core of things.  If you can’t figure out then find someone who can help you figure it out.

Be it.

Dominants: it starts with you

I’m not about to waste time trying to convince all d-types how to dominate.  We all have our own perspectives, but one thing most d-types can relate to is that it starts with us.

It seems like a small thing – but in the end, we are usually the ones controlling the pieces in play.

So control it.

How much are you aware of what you’re doing?  How unaware are you – really?

If your s-type is continually trying to point things out – why aren’t you opening your eyes to the possibility that you really do have a flat tire and have had a flat tire for the last two counties?

If it’s pride – if it’s ego – if it’s “I’m the dominant, my rule above all others” – then stop it.  Put all of that aside and consciously look at the issue objectively.  We’re lucky we have invested s-types that are willing to point out those things – and it doesn’t make you any less of a dominant to go: “oh wow – I really fucked up.”

Quite the opposite.

Being the dominant that our s-types want means that we’re going to be embracing the flaws we have, improving on them as best we can and keep trying to do the right thing.  You have to be willing to recognize your PART in the issue to begin with.  Anything less and your s-type just looks blankly at you.

The only blame game here starts with yourself.

Yep – I said it.

If your s-type is misbehaving, going off the reservation, doing things you don’t want him/her to be doing – it’s YOUR responsibility to reign that in and determine WHY they were off in left field to begin with.  They are YOUR s-type.  They belong to YOU.  Hence it’s YOUR responsibility to see to it that they are being how you WANT them to be.

Your s-type is only as good as your dominance.

So – some tips:

1.) Be willing to look honestly in the mirror:  We don’t like scrutiny.  We like being our own little vehicles … but in order to look at the situation objectively – we have got to be willing to do an honest assessment of ourselves in the mirror to see what we did to contribute to the situation.

2.) Be willing to accept the responsibility for something you did:  If we give our s-types rules and expectations … only to countermand our own wishes down the road.  We have got to acknowledge that WE were the ones that put up the rules and expectations in the first place.  You simply can’t expect an s-type to figure it out on their own when it’s contradictory.

3.) Shoulder the responsibility, make adjustments as needed, move on:  After you look at the situation, accept the responsibility, then take the steps needed to correct the issue, then move on from the issue.  Don’t let it become an anchor weight that’s going to be dragging down the relationship on account that your ego is being affected.

4.) Accept the fact you’re human and capable of making mistakes:  Leave the dom ego out of it.  When examining things in the dynamic – you have to leave personal bias out of it.  I still wrestle with this because – I’m a d-type that is very analytical about the life we lead.  But I have to be equally willing to accept my imperfections and the notion that I’m going to make mistakes.  Once I “allowed” myself to feel those things – it felt like a weight had been lifted.

5.) Unreasonable expectations, unreasonable outcomes:  (expanding on #2) “I expect you to jump off this building and fly like an eagle…”  Now after you’re discussing what happened in the police report afterwards …. You get the point, right?  If you’re setting up your s-type to fail, then do you have a strong idea as to what that’s going to mean in the long run?  It shouldn’t be that difficult to have a structure that is reasonable to achieve.

6.) Inconsistent consistency:  If we’re not going to stay on a given path or have some stable pathways – then how can we reasonably expect our s-type to follow along side us?  Striving for consistency allows our s-types to better serve us and in the long run – that’s what we want, right?  I know there are those that want to keep their s-types off balance – but that expends a great deal of energy and frustration … and is it really worth it in the end?  Might want to think that one through again.

7.) The lost art of communication:  I’m not sure what has happened here, but d-types have become wonderfully proficient in the art of miscommunication.  We think our s-types should know every thing that’s going on – and when we clam up, they should just be able to read our minds so that they can fully understand what’s going on internally.  That’s like sitting in front of your computer keyboard – not touching the keys and expecting your computer to interpret what you want to be doing.  Touch the keyboard, talk to your s-types … it makes the world a better place.

8.) The lost art of listening/observing: It’s not what you say, it’s what you heard.  Sometimes we hear things in very small crevices that can lead us to understanding things before they blow up.  The key is *listen* … again I’m not the best when it comes to this, but I’m a firm believer of whatever can be handled before the big explosion – should be handled before the big explosion.

9.) If you’re not willing to hear an honest opinion/assessment – think twice on that:  If you’re invoking your d-type: “I’m the dominant, I’m always right” card – then you’re not thinking clearly.  Folks giving you honest, brutal assessments and opinions are doing so because they see glaring signs.  If you’re not open to such things, then you really need to ask yourself: “why?”  If you’re thinking it’s going to bruise your dominance, then shelling yourself off from reason is not a particularly strong/reliable recipe to be running with.

When we start looking at the fact that we’re not perfect, we’re going to make mistakes, we’re going to keep making mistakes – then it’s a pattern that’s only going to keep repeating itself until we start opening up to reason.

The process starts with you – not your s-type.  It’s time to start claiming responsibility that’s yours – then you can start making the necessary and reasonable changes to your dynamic so that you can move forward in your journey.

Alpha-ness

Those who command it – don’t need to wield it.

It’s natural for them. They don’t need to exhibit it, they don’t have to put on senseless displays and other nonsense. They don’t have to barge in and take control and it’s a thing of beauty when it naturally flows.

Alpha has been part of the human condition as far back as we’ve been around.

It’s not just a poly thing.
It’s not just a dominant thing.
It’s not just a community thing either.

There’s something to be said about just having the presence where words don’t need to be spoken and nothing that has to go over the top. It’s a quiet confidence that resonates inside. Others take notice of the naturalness and it becomes the reason why we can identify those who have a certain gravitas about their presence.

I do understand why alpha-ness exists and how it oftentimes relates to a deeper set of insecurities within a person. I understand the perceived need of constant approval and to constantly verify one’s status in the universe. I also understand that some folks relish being in the alpha chair as it becomes part of their personality. I realize for some – that’s who they are and they can’t (or don’t want to) change that.

But after awhile – they exhibit signs of clamoring. They constant assertion and the need to always interject themselves in whatever is going on. It becomes noticeable and as a result – very reflective of them as a person.

Those folks are unimpressive.
Those folks don’t inspire Me to run with them.
Those folks inspire Me to take them less seriously.

Natural expressions of who you are – the realness of who you are is what interests Me. You want Me to follow you?

Be yourself.
Be who you are.
Drop the alpha crap and be natural.
Don’t run over people.
Don’t think you’re important enough to intervene when it isn’t your place.

The measure of importance has nothing to do with the way you conduct yourself in the real world. If it’s about stroking your ego and propping yourself up as some deity for others to follow – then it’s not real. It is – at best – a self-absorbed personal exercise which is anything but alpha.

Natural leaders don’t need the title, don’t need the belt, don’t need the recognition of others because it’s the life blood that goes through their veins.

May I go to the bathroom Master?

Last week while I was on the phone with my favorite girlie, I needed to go to the bathroom as we had been talking almost 2 hours. So I went to Master’s office and mouthed “may I go to the bathroom?” And he got this evil look in his eye and big smile on his face and said “oh no.” Girlie is in the lifestyle and knows of the dynamic I have with Master.
He explained to me I needed to ask — out loud. I was squirming needing to go to the bathroom but also because I would have to ask and girlie would hear me asking to go to the bathroom. I knew he wouldn’t say yes until I asked out loud. I stood there a moment stuttering and blushing. Standing in the doorway to his office I was wiggling and crossing my legs like a 6 year old needing to “go potty.” And I squeaked out, “May I go to the bathroom Master?” He said yes.

Having just that little bit of interaction with someone outside our dynamic — turned me on. It was a nice little spark of something different and it was fun.

Today a good friend of mine posted about a play party she attended and was used like a slut. It reminded me of play parties I attended when I lived in Ohio. It turned me on and made me miss having that interaction with others. But….I know that because of the isolation I have had that it would be hard for me to be as I once was in public settings. I know I would be terribly shy. I mean I was shy before but it is a different kind of shy now.

Love/hate relationships — I want to interact with others in the lifestyle publicly but I am not sure I could relax like I did when I lived in Ohio.