When seeking a partner – vanilla or in D/s – I think no one wants someone who is down on themselves. Yes, we all have low self-esteem moments, but I do not think someone wants to be with someone who always says negative things. Someone who is always saying, “I am just not good enough” or “maybe I should just stop trying to look obviously no one likes me.” How fun is that?
I think to a degree some of us feel we want to help people like that. Especially being submissive, it is our nature to want to help. And many Dominants I know want to help guide submissive souls, but sometimes we get drawn in and the person does not really want help.
What the person they are trying to help seeks…is attention and affirmation that they are a good person. Which is fine and dandy, but if we have to do that 24/7 it gets kind of disheartening. Have you ever been around someone who is always down? Have they ever brought you down with them? I have had that happen.
Before I entered D/s I had lots of issues…some are still there. But I worked on them and myself…because I felt to give myself completely there had to be some of my baggage out of the way.
I got to a point where I then needed help of a supportive partner. I was very up front with all the Dominants I met about my issues that I needed to work on. Sometimes I used it to see if they would stick around – a scare tactic.
At the time I first started dealing with my issues – mainly rape issues – I would have not been a good partner. Because my self esteem alone was so low that it did not matter what others told me, I would not believe it. I had to believe in me before giving what I could to others. I had to like me…love me, as the saying goes, before others could.
I have submissive friends…well and a few Dominants too…. that will always put himself/herself down. And say things like I am just not going to find anyone…. and no one likes me…I hate my looks or my weight…I am ugly.
And they say these things *all* the time – every time I talk to them. I have developed the attitude. I say to them “I am your friend and I care, but if all you are going to do is complain about things you can change and do not, then we do not have anything to talk about.” So until they change their attitude or ask for help to start in the direction to change their life, I just do not talk to them. I will, but as soon as they start putting themselves down, I just say, “I have to go now” or “you know that ends the conversation, so good bye.” That might seem harsh, but it is I believe a wake up call for those friends that are like that.
If they set their lives in direction of change, I support them 100%, but if all they are going to do is complain about their lives and not do anything about it, then I do not want to be a part of that.
We need to search inside ourselves to know what we need, where we want to go, and how we would like to accomplish those goals. We need to be asking ourselves, “why are my feelings of self worth dependent upon another person’s regard?” “Why do I value myself according to how others evaluate me?” We can use those times when we walk our path alone to discover ourselves. Who are you, independent of others? When you are not someone’s wife, someone’s lover, someone’s slave, someone’s mother, who are you?
It is not an easy to answer those questions – it is not an easy road…but it is a very fulfilling road when you look at the big picture. Anyone who does not have what they feel they need… please take the chance…the risk to find it. Good luck on your journey.
© within Reality: danae 1999 – all rights reserved