Enthrallment or Wanting the Dream Now Fever….

The “Enthrallment” and “Wanting the Dream Now Fever” are what happens when a person gets so caught up in wanting all right now. It’s also called “Sub Fever”  or “Sub Frenzy,” names that are commonly used in the BDSM community. But since I feel it applies to dominants and vanilla people too I am not going to use that phrase.

This process is marked with an unusual sense of urgency maxed out by a series of frenzied emotions. It’s predominantly seen in those people who are new to the lifestyle because when they are read and learn about all these wonderful things about bdsm, D/s or some other aspect, it makes them all wet and gooey. So they often consult the “Cliff Notes” version of speeding through the process in order to experience these wonderful things. Unfortunately when they rush the time schedule ahead, all of their reason and rationality processes float right out the window.

But it doesn’t affect only those that are new to the lifestyle. I feel it also applies to those people who have been in the lifestyle for a while, who maybe have endured a number of breakups, who may find themselves entering a period where they are so sick of waiting for the one after what seems like an endless pursuit of dead-ends and one way streets. It also affects someone whose needs or desires grow to something very specific. From these people can get enthralled or they enter into this illogical fever because they are trying to fill an emptiness. Panic sets in. Or maybe a sense of lonliness faces you every time you see other couples, read stories, or even when you walk into the bedroom each night.There are deep cravings, wantings and a seemingly endless assortment of emotions. These pangs can be physical, mental or feelings of needing emotional attention, intimacy, pleasure, affection, sadomasochism, D/s. Oftentimes we forget to think through all of these processes before we act upon them. We make wrong decisions and needlessly compromise our values, beliefs, and internal awareness just to fulfill these cravings.

I have been there a few times unfortunately. There is one relationship in particular that would be the worst experience I have ever had. I ignored the rationality in my mind for so long that haunted me for a years after it ended even though the relationship itself did not even last that long. I just wanted to be in the relationship with the “One” so much that I ignored so many blatant signs that showed me he was not the one and far from it. I ignored the fact that he was married (and lying to his wife), I ignored that fact he lied to me on countless things. Lies by themselves should be enough to cause anyone to seriously doubt their relationship, because when a person lies once they will usually lie again. I realize it’s a skewed point of view, but that is how I feel. By looking at myself in that example, when I have lied once it brings on enormous pangs of emotions and strings that I lived a life of lying … and that lie was compounded tenfold, especially to myself. I ignored all the tell-tale signs because I was finally getting some attention, the affection, the D/s, and so on. But I was not getting all those things the way I deserved by someone who would really cared for me in a healthy positive relationship. I was getting those things because I was obsessed with the picture in my mind that no matter what, these things would be sufficient for me in that relationship.

I can look back now and realize that I deserved better. Unfortunately in the “heat of the moment” we don’t always recognize that we’re going through a form enthrallment/fever with someone when we know deep down that we deserve better. But when we’re in that situation, we throw all of our values, beliefs, and our true authentic self out the window just to fill the emptiness of “what things are missing” in our lives: the attention, the affection, the pleasure, the intimacy, the sadomasochism or whatever “it” is in a person’s life. We spend an inordinate period of time convincing ourselves that we’re in a perfect relationship when, on any other given day, we would see that we’re crazy for even thinking of entering such a situation. We continue to tell ourselves the lie just so that we can enjoy the moment because we rationalize that it’s better to live a lie than live alone.

It won’t be until someday, or some situation when the light comes on when we look around us and go: “oh, what was I thinking?” In the beginning a path was chosen but by the end you eventually reach a point of clarity. So we remind ourselves of why we enter into these types of relationships, but someday, someone emails you, speaks to you at a party, and you’ll be faced with this dilemma once: whether to face living a “small lie” vs. living alone. That choice ultimately determines whether the cycle will begin again.

So why can’t we walk into situations with our heads on straight?

We all deserve to find the right partner; regardless if we’re into BDSM or not. We have to be honest with ourselves to be sure we know what we are seeking. And that really starts with getting to know yourself. Because if you don’t know what you like, dislike, want or not want – how can you find the right partner.Once we figure out the magic formula, we need some sort of roadmap, a moral compass or landmark that can help guide us away from those impossible relationships. So it’s important to chant your inner mantra, write your Constitution, or have a friend who has rope tied around your waist that will be able to say: “whoa, my friend – look at what you’re doing.”

Then continue your search for the relationship that will last and be all that you want it to be. Keep the map, the compass or the reminder near to you – so that you don’t let yourself fall into enthrallment/fever that is truly allowing yourself to settle for the short term headache instead of waiting for your long term dream.

© within Reality: danae 2005 – all rights reserved