Two words that invoke very dark and scary images.
When I first met my sadist, it was not unlike what we read about in vampires story – about the blood lust and frenzy that happens where control very difficult because it’s very consuming. It was within that abyss that the darkest of thoughts emerge which is very daunting and disturbing on several sanity levels.
I have dark thoughts. Very dark thoughts.
I own them – they don’t own me.
Because at one point in my discovery, I could see exactly what harm meant. Not the bruises or the marks that are yummy to look at, the harm that’s often embedded deeply or to have that uncontrolled burst where things happen as though you had an out of body experience. I saw how that affected the sadistic draw I have within me. I could see a different kind of pain, a different kind of fear. The breaking of the toy that entrusted me with their safety and sanity.
It’s the ugly side of pain, the ugly side of fear. A place not unlike we see in the movies where the fight that goes on too far and folks just stand back in absolute horror because it’s still going on: “why won’t someone stop the fight?!?”
It’s a primal part that was unbridled, untamed, completely raw and primal sadism in what I can construe was nothing but evilness in its most basic level.
That really spooked me. Looking inward and finding THAT sitting in closet looking back at me.
And I very well could have drawn deeply into that abyss – deeply into that darkness and evil swirly – but I did not want that. I did not want my toys to look at me fearfully that I will somehow find the way to pull their arms from their sockets or maim them … or causing any other irreparable harm in doing so.
I had met … “the line.”
It’s not a wall.
It’s not a fence.
There’s no guardrail.
No ballistic missile defense system.
It’s simply a line.
Lines can be crossed. Lines can be blurred. Lines can move back and forth. But lines are representative for boundaries in this instance. Just like a vampires thirst for blood, the sadistic rage is part of me. That place exists well beyond the line I have chosen to live behind. It’s a place I know that exists and will always exist – but I have made the conscious and deliberate choice to stay on this side of the line.
* Recognize it
* Identify it
* Learn about it
* Understand it
* Find tools to assist you
* Develop awareness for it
* Adopt those tools seriously, completely and totally
* Maintain those tools – check in with your significant other, see how things look from the outside in.
We have to be willing to look at ourselves honestly. Set aside the D-side ego and have that very serious, honest lens conversation. Chances are – if someone has said anything previously or if you felt a twinge … there’s stuff there. Stuff you probably don’t want to face or confront … well … you need to. You need to have that opportunity to strip off the armor and get things examined at the core.
It’ll make you feel better in the long run.
It’ll make those around you – who play with you perhaps less concerned.
“But what about if I just need to get some aggression out?”
I understand that. I’ve been there too and in some consensual non-consent dynamics there could be the understanding in place that says that those times might happen. Be very clear when you’re engaging – to let your aggression out. It may also be helpful to your counterpart to know the WHY you need your aggression out so that they know it isn’t about them. Communicate clearly, have an established understanding before engaging forward.
“Can this sadistic rage be used … applied …. in play?”
Yes it can.
… but it does not mean we lose our heads about it. Controlled, exacting sadistic rage can be a very intense outlet for the involved participants. Considerable care and awareness have to be on the forefront if one is to release their inner beast. There has to be a very well established knowing component as well. Unleashing the beast on someone unsuspecting – even if there is a consensual non-consent agreement – isn’t really fair to the bottom half of the equation because it’s going to hit and likely overwhelm them.
“But it’s fun! I don’t care anyway, I’ll do what I want.”
Well – good luck with that. I won’t say you’ll fall flat on your face, but it’s amazing how deep you can get with someone if you make them part of that journey downward.