~written February 13, 2014
I found myself, the other night, at a loss for words. Sir had asked me if that bruise (just inflicted on my breast with an nasty little rubber band) was a good one. I did not know what to say and found myself flustered. How do I tell him that it was a good bruise? He had hurt me. That didn’t make sense at all. I enjoyed it and could admit to that, to a degree. Why not let him know that the bruise was amazing and that I was proud to be wearing it?
Well, because my vanilla brain took over and screamed that this masochist stuff was/is crazy! I mean who actually allows themselves to think about, let alone admit to others, that they want to be bruised, hit, and punished? (Can you hear the voices of religion, the 40’s, and society ringing in here? I can.)
Here is my question, then: how do I get comfortable with admitting to myself and to others that I desire those lovely, crazy things–that I enjoy pain? It feels unnatural. It feels as if it is truly crazy. I believe I am a masochist (I am, admittedly, still learning). I know that it is a part of me and I enjoy it. Sure, I like to complain about it, but I love it.
I did not know I had this judgment sitting so quietly within me. I thought I had worked my way through this. Accepting myself, exactly where, and as I am, is paramount to my happiness; this I know from years of therapy for depression and anxiety. So accepting myself, just as I would accept someone else’s desire for pain, is what I need to do. How? Is it like being with my first same sex partner? “This is the way I am and that it is just the way it is! I don’t care what you think!” Do I just need to continue to tell myself it is okay until I actually understand that it is? Fake it until I make it?
What is it about admitting my masochistic feelings that doesn’t feel okay in my head? In myself?
Well, it’s because it’s lunacy! Who wants someone to punch them? Who wants to be kicked or feel what it feels like to be kicked? I mean, for god’s sake, the idea gets me wet, but who in their right brain wants that? I know – every masochist on the earth. And who wants to do it? Every sadist on the earth. So why can I not be okay with it? And for god’s sake, why am I still struggling with this? Why am I judging myself?
(Please note that I am only sharing my personal thoughts and questions. This in no way reflects upon others. I am attempting to work out my own path.)