Part 1

We were privileged to be a part of SMART Fest 2004. We did a class on Living Life within Reality. We have taken our class and put it into a series of articles, so here is part one.
Our journeys are diversified, but our paths have led us to experience and learn a great deal of information and knowledge about a lot of the various aspects of the lifestyle. However, it’s also important to note that even with all of this experience and knowledge, we’re not experts. We don’t hold degrees in psychology or human behavior, nor have we written any books or workshops. We did want to share with all of you what tidbits of knowledge and experiences we’ve seen, read about and gone through so that it may offer a different ideas and approaches of how to maneuver around the major lifestyle obstacles.It’s important to note that there’s no right or wrong way in handling much of the issues and situations we are going to bring up today. As the caveat goes “your mileage will vary” and some of these ideas may or may not work for you.In the January 19th, 2004 edition of Time Magazine, a journalist interviews a bdsm couple about how they love one another through a D/s, M/s relationship. The article was brought out several issues about the lifestyle in a pretty favorable light because as we all know and can relate: explaining the lifestyle to most people is difficult. The interviewed steered towards the whole SSC (safe, sane and consensual philosophy.) Conversely, we noticed at some vendors that had shirts which read: unsafe, insane and not consensual. So which is it?? Is the way the couple featured in Time Magazine? Or closer to what the shirt read? It could be either or neither. You make the lifestyle to fit what works for you.

Whatever choice you make, it ultimately comes down to how you live your life within reality. It truly doesn’t make a difference which line you subscribe to as long as that you’re honest to yourself and to those that are affected by your choices.

Also, we may inadvertently mention D/s by itself, or mention M/s by itself. In no way are we suggesting that the things we’re covering today are geared only for Master slaves, or for Dominant submissives. So, if we accidentally infer D/s and don’t mention M/s – it’s not intentional.

Now we may also accidentally cause gender confusion in some of our analogies and analysis. It’s not an attempt to imply or suggest that there can be male dominants and female submissives only. Much of what we’ve collaborated on here has been written from our perspectives, so if we accidentally refer to “her Dominant” we don’t mean to leave out all of the male submissives or anyone else that was not covered in a particular comment.


Life comes with bills, the flu, dishes, and laundry, getting the car serviced, taking the trash out, going to work and so much more. Plus then add in kids if you have them and then you have less time. And everything keeps going no matter if you are in a D/s relationship. It means there is no 24/7 bondage, S&M and sex. It means living life the best we can do and trying to add in things to keep that focus of the power exchange. It is keeping it real within reality.

I think people think that when you are in a D/s or Master/slave relationship it is all about sex and S&M. But as you know we live in the real world and we make our lives fit within reality of the world or it will makes us fit in it.

The only thing that is needed for a Master/slave relationship is the power exchange. In our relationship he controls and I serve and obey. And that is all that is needed. And those things can fit in anyone’s life with bills, projects or even if you have kids.

Some people believe that if the vanilla quicksand them that they have to start their D/s relationship all over OR that they are being vanilla.

Many of people look at their lifestyle and just see the toilet overflowing, the stack of dishes, the pile of book bags and the laundry heaping up. They think we are not doing S&M because of all that “vanilla stuff.” Instead of looking at it that way, look at the foundation…the power exchange and see that the D/s is still there or it can still be there without S&M. By no means are we saying to take out the S&M or we don’t “need” it. But make sure the foundation of the power exchange is there.

A big mistake I think that people make is separating D/s and non-D/s activities such as everyday vanilla life. They say, “Well our life is too vanilla” or “We were just so vanilla yesterday.”

What I want you to think about Dominants do you still have the desire to control and have the power in your relationship? When in a vanilla setting would your submissive obey a comment. I am not necessarily talking about telling your submissive strip down at a PTA Meeting, but how about being in a mall shopping and commanding her to try something on for you. Or just even stopping and telling her to kiss in the grocery store….seems like vanilla things, but it isn’t if the power exchange in your foundation. So do you have the power and control in all situations – vanilla or not?

Submissives do you have the desire to serve and please even in vanilla situations? Do you defer to your Dominant in vanilla settings as well as private? Would you obey and serve in a vanilla setting?

Also do you have protocols or rituals that go beyond a private setting (more protocols and rituals in part 3). If you have protocols and rituals then you have those always too – no matter if in a D/s setting or non-D/s setting.

Those things don’t go away just because we are in a vanilla setting. They are a part of our power exchange so in essence a part of who we are always. So why separate non-D/s or vanilla activities and D/s activities because they are there all the time even if not overtly dominating or overtly submitting.

This quote really sums this up well…

“The goal should be to incorporate your dominance and her submission seamlessly into your lifestyle. It should be intertwined so that just about anything you and your sub/slave do together could be construed as D/s. In other words, don’t complicate your lives by categorizing aspects and activities into “D/s activities” and “non-D/s” activities.” ~ RebelGent

© within Reality: Michael and danae 2004 – all rights reserved