-written February 13, 2014
I’m finally getting it. I am finally understanding that my body is not my body, my money is not my money, even my rental is not my rental, my car is not my car. I have surrendered my life to a man who I want to be my Master. He hasn’t chosen that, yet, but I want it very badly. Why? I do not know. That is another of those judgments I’m still dealing with. But I do! I want to give my control to Sir in everything. In everything! I want him to control me – through and through.The pussy that I have is Sir’s, not mine.
To spend somebody else’s money without asking is wrong and I would never dream of doing it. I am now learning to ask for the simplest things (e.g., coffee), as it is not my money; it is Sir’s. I’m also taking somebody else’s body places whenever I go somewhere. What right do I have to take it places, if I do not communicate with the owner where I’m taking his body? His submissive. His property.
This is beginning to click, and only began to do so within the last few days. It’s been four months. We just celebrated our 4-month anniversary. And I’m understanding. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow–a shake of the head or a fist pump.
Last night, Sir went to use a rubber band on me. My first instinct, and everything in me, objected. Oh, I wanted it, yes. I did, but I had to complain. I had to flinch. I had to move. How do you not? Then danae told me from across the room to pretend I was a statue. I added onto that in my mind, that I was his statue to do with what he wants. I am Sir’s property and if he feels like marking me with a rubber band, then I should only say, “Thank you for the opportunity.” Because…oh my god…does it feed something in me!
And I do love the bruises. I love it. I don’t view the bruises as I have in the past, as something to show off – something to be proud of – showing that I went thru that trial. Now, the feeling is an amazing and slow-moving warmth filled with love, that he chose to mark me. Sir spoke of a piercing, something I have refused to do because of propriety – because of shyness. In the moment he mentioned it, I found myself not even questioning it. This is his body and if he wants that done, I have no say in this. I don’t want a say in this. I surrender my say, my thoughts, my feelings, my fear, my embarrassment, my concern…to him.
Wow. It is an amazing thing to have this new thought process develop, not necessarily as a natural thing, but as something that I no longer have to force myself to think about. It just started being there. Not that it occurs all the time, trust me! Last night I totally forgot the very first thing I was taught – to ask to eat when in his presence. It is an interesting development, though. I like it – this new way of thinking. I hope it continues to develop.