Gwen: Looking down the abyss (pt 5 – the end)

Numb. Lifeless. Defeated.

Gwen sat idle in the chair. Her stoic gaze focused on nothing because inside she felt nothing. Her fingers absently play with the chain still secured to her. She had no idea what M was doing as he scuttled about. She didn’t care. He had placed a cup of coffee in front of her, but it was starting to get cool.

Startled. M wrapped a bed sheet around her. The sudden touch of fabric on her skin was electrifying and almost painful. She drew herself more inward as she cocooned the sheets around her naked body.

The silence was awkward, but the energy was neutral. Gwen was still very much in withdrawal and let down after her revelation. M was in care mode – something that she didn’t recognize or understand in that moment. She wasn’t in a state of understanding or getting it either.

The coffee cup remained the focal point of her gaze. The rest of the universe didn’t matter. She mentally touched the contours of the ceramic cup. Her mind played with the ridges on the side and gently tapped the exterior of the cup with her fingernail.

M stood to her side – leash in hand. She was oblivious to the leash in his hand or even him for that matter.

He bent down and connected her collar to the long leather and chain leash.

“C’mon, let’s go.” He chimed.

She didn’t acknowledge or even seem to sense what he had done.

He tugged on the leash.

Her gaze finally broke from the cup and her green eyes looked up at him. A loud clank was heard as she dropped the chain she held onto. Her expression up at him wasn’t angry. It wasn’t crying. It was almost hopeless. Despair. Serious.

M returned the expression with his face lowering slightly, his eyes grew slightly wide, but there was a warmness about them. He wasn’t upset or angry she wasn’t complying – he understood.

As her eyes continued to assess him, M just stood there – holding the same gaze and energy. The leash was pulled taut between his hand and her neck.

“What am I doing?” she asked.

“You’re know exactly what you’re doing.” M offered. “Come with me.”

She wasn’t entirely convinced with the answer. “No.” She quietly uttered. “I can’t do this.” Her heart welled up as the tears began again to amass in their ducts. “I just can’t.” She repeated aloud.

He let out a sigh, continuing to look down at her.

“Just come with me.” He encouraged.

Resigned, she went to stand up from her chair – still draped in the blanket, she followed him – still leashed – to the bedroom – the connected chain dragging on the floor behind her. When she stood in the doorway, her eyes widened. The drapes were pulled closed. Candles were lit and were placed throughout the room. They had varying scents – that created their own little bubble of aroma around them … apple, linen, some lavender. The sheets have been changed out, the bed was made and there was a bigger glow coming from the bathroom.

Her mouth was slightly agape as she immediately forgot things as she slowly stepped into the room. M unclasped the leash from her collar, then gently tugged at the sheet she had with her – letting it fall on the floor. The fabric glanced on her skin as gravity pulled it to the floor. Gwen’s nest on the floor was no longer there – but the other part of the chain that locked her to the bed still was.

Standing between the bed and bathroom, he turned and began to kneel before her. His hands slowly worked their way down to her waist line where he began to delicately unply the latex panty from her skin. He ran his fingers between the unforgiving latex prison and her body. There was pain – tough pain as her body began to adjust to the fact the latex was being pried from her body. He then pulled the panty downward. She held her breath in anticipation for what was going to come next.

It was not going to be easy.

“Breathe.” M commanded.

As the panty continued its downward descent, M grabbed the long latex dong which was embedded deep in her cunt. He slowly pulled it. “Oh God! Oh God – wait – oh God – okay – wait – fuck!” she contorted as he continued to ease the invader from her nether region. She felt like this is what child birth must feel like – but not really. The dildo took forever to be pulled from her body. Each inch could be felt in the walls of her cervix and vaginal canal. The pain was intense, but now so was the pleasure.

The lube, cum dripped dildo finally emerged from inside her. “Oh dear God … thank you thank you.” She felt like she needed to collapse. Even though she was still very pained, there was enormous relief. Gwen placed her hand on M’s shoulder to steady herself. As the rest of the panty was pulled off and on the floor, she gratefully stepped out of that fucking hell.

M slowly stood up and caught her glancing at him. He grinned.

Trying to catch her breath Gwen was floating between the anger, pain and now ecstasy. “Fucking sadists” she thought to herself. “I hate him, absolutely fucking hate him.” The grin remained as he turned and without saying a word, he led her by the hand into the bathroom where there were many more tea candles and the bathtub had soapy bubbles brimming.

Her mouth went agape again.

M led her over to the tub, reaching and taking her other hand – gently leading her into the (now) lukewarm water. She shivered as she adjusted to the different temperature. He reached down and turned on straight hot water. She remained standing as the warm water began to migrate its way to her feet. It felt wonderful.

He got down and started swirling the water and bubbles to make sure the temperature was just right. He then added some cold water to make sure that it was more balanced.

She couldn’t help but grin. It was the thing that always happens in the romance novels but she never had a boyfriend that would do something like this for her – much less a dominant – I mean c’mon, that’s not what dominants are supposed to do. Wait, oh yes – I still fucking hate him.

Satisfied, he stood back up and gently encouraged and helped her into the waiting bubble bath. Gwen went to step forward and she heard the chain behind her – stopping, she dangled her right foot enough for him to notice that she was still connected. M grinned down at the ankle, then back up at her – then continued to encourage her into the bathtub.

As she eased her leg into the hot water, it felt wonderful. She reached and grabbed the chain before letting it disappear into the bubbles … hearing the clunk as the links meet the porcelain. Bending herself as she descends through the layer of floating bubbles, the water felt sensational but it was extremely difficult on her pussy which was still feeling the after effects of the pained invader. The searing pain in her pussy made it difficult to settle in the water – yet she knew it would get better in time. But the pain was very intense and she started to black out slightly because of it.

“Breathe.” He reminded her.

“Oh yeah, breathing – forgot about that” her inner dialogue said to herself. Gwen let out a few deep breaths and found the pain subsiding gradually.

M grabbed a white hand towel nearby to dry off his hands as he retreated back into the bedroom. She closed her eyes as she began to finally began to relax – the first time in the last couple of days. He quietly returned – unbeknownst to her – until she heard soft piano music playing from the bedroom. He brought a tall orange drink that she knew had to be a mimosa because of the bubbly/fizzing still occurring in the large tall glass flute.

“Mimosa if you want.” He explained. The glass flute was placed on a shelf next to the tub.

He then grabbed another hand towel and sat on a small stool next to the tub. Her eyes were fixated on him, but her mood was still cold and chilled. The hand towel went into the bubbly water. Pulling the terry cloth water soaked wad from the tub, M wrung it before reaching and getting some of her bath soap. Lathering up the towel, he started in at her neckline. Very carefully making sure there was a balance of soap and water as he continued to gently make that re-connection to her body.

Gwen’s gaze never left his face as she was baffled. Confused. Tormented. Now relaxed? Eased? Even cherished? The confusion consumed her and she had to say something.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

The question was redundant and yet relevant in the grander scheme of where her mind was going.

“I … am … bathing you.” in his best sarcastic wit.

“What are you doing?” she repeated.

M continued soaping her right arm.

The silence grew.

“I’m doing what I care to.” he finally offered succinctly.

Somehow the air of things can change very suddenly at the turn of 6 simple words. The power of those words cut deeply into her, resonating on a level that suddenly woke her stomach up. She didn’t quite expect that. She wasn’t sure she liked that change either.

M dunked the towel into the water to relieve it of its soapy mess. He repeated this process a couple more times before beginning the process of washing the soap from her neck, shoulders, arms and breasts.It wasn’t exactly the most sensual bath, but it wasn’t meant to be either.

There was a consistency in his approach. A deliberateness. A calculation. A quiet air of confidence – of strength and depth. The man contemplates everything and very rarely makes haphazard, spontaneous decisions. Even when he has to think quick on his feet, there’s a calculation to it. It’s one of the alluring qualities Gwen found in him – and the fact he’s just calm and comfortable with himself.

When he finished he once again dunk the wash cloth into the water – this time his gaze was on her. Gwen’s eyes met his. After the third dunking of the washcloth, M arose from the stool he was on and placed the damp cloth on the side of the tub. He located the towel he used to dry his hands off with before. He then reached over and unplugged the water stopper. The water began its descent down the drain. Gwen thought about saying something, but thought better of it. M continued to watch the water level diminish before reaching back down to stopper the water once again. She started shivering as the cool air started to penetrate the warm wet barrier that drained from her skin.

M reached up and turned on the hot water – waiting for it to warm up before slightly adding cold water to the mixture. He knew she preferred hot baths to warm ones. As the hot water continued its assault into the lukewarm water, steam once again returned. He continued to carefully monitor and swirl the water to mix it up. He saw the bubbles in their state of decline – so he reached for the bottle of bubbles soap and poured the liquid into the piping hot stream. Immediately the bubbles consumed Gwen. She completely forgot things for a while and smiled at the fact this wall of bubbles was about to swallow her up. It was playful, it was cute.

She glanced up at him to see that he was smiling back at her. He bent down and stopped the hot flow that consumed her. He once again dried his hands off and made his way to the doorway. He reached for the door – something he would normally never do with his “open door” policy, and pulled it slightly closed. It was a signal, a sign – that he was giving her some space. Her eyes followed him as he continued to do things in the bedroom.

After he settled, Gwen took a big long deep breath and relaxed. The hot water was soothing her, warming her, comforting her.

As the water temperature continued to wane, Gwen found her doubts and self-doubts returning.

“How do I even process this?”
“What the fuck? I mean really – what the serious fuck?”
“I can’t do this, fuck this, fuck this lifestyle – fuck fuck fuck!”

The frustration was released despite the fact there were still some pretty hard core issues to resolve.

She looked around the bathroom and marveled at how she really didn’t spend a lot of time just focusing on everything and nothing at the same time. She saw the long stemmed mimosa awaiting on the shelf. She reached and grinned as her hand brought the waiting bubbly fruity drink to her lips. As though all of her senses were now in overload, the mimosa just tasted wonderful – beyond wonderful.

“How can someone so fucking mean, so sadistic, so seemingly uncaring be so romantic at the same time?” The paradox made no sense to her. None of this made any sense.

“What am I doing?”

The thoughts swirled as her skin continued to prune up. She completely lost track of time but it made no difference. There wasn’t anywhere to be and then that thought struck her.

“I have no where else to be.”

Somewhere in that moment – it dawned on her. Things started to come back into focus for her. Things were making sense again.

She downed the last of her mimosa before reaching to unplug the water stopper she found parts of her despair were seemingly flowing down with the water. Almost as though some of the burden had been lifted. Oh, she’s still pissed as all get out, but the weight of it was getting much less.

Gwen reached for the large bath towel and breathed deep into the fabric. Her eyes closed as she once again reached some inner peace. After a few seconds of reflection, she wiped the wet drops that remained on her skin before spending time drying her hair as best she could with the towel. Suddenly the air got cooler as the warmth wore off. M had left a white terrycloth robe in the bathroom that she pulled onto her naked body.

Reaching down, she grabbed the chain still attached to her now soaked cuff. She tried drying it as best she could, but it wasn’t really working. Clutching her chain, she drew her robe in tighter to suppress the cold air trying to work its way to her body.

Gwen opened the door and expected to find M in the bedroom. Instead, the only thing she noticed was a single red rose on the bed as the piano music continued to play. The room was still dimly lit as small rays of light from the morning sun was forcing itself through the window shade.

She approached the side of the bed, smiling at the mature flower. Reaching, she picked up the flower and lifted it to her nose. The aroma was relaxing, warming and beautiful. A small smile overcame her as she played with the flower on her cheek. Closing her eyes, she finally achieved some peace after the last couple of days.

Make no mistake, she’s still upset and is convinced this isn’t the life for her – but she can’t deny “the other stuff” either. The inner war wages on despite having achieved some peace and some answers even though she was doing her best to avoid them.

Gwen scanned the room, not finding anything else unusual or out of place. Drawing her robe tightly again, she sought to see where M was. As she tiptoed through the entry and into the main room, she didn’t see or hear any sign. Suddenly she heard some clanging around in the kitchen. Quietly she moved and peeked around the corner.

M was at the sink, washing off dishes and cleaning things up from this morning. He was still in his dressed down casual attire but she fixated her gaze on the man that does so many things to her internally and externally. Her mind always seems like it’s spinning around like crazy. She marveled at him all the while hating him at the same time.

He was oblivious to her presence.

She was about to step out into the kitchen when her mind took over: she’s still upset. Gwen then slowly backed away from the doorway and retreated into the living room area, finding a section of couch before sitting down, curling up and fumbling with the chain in her fingers. Her mind was spinning. Spinning very hard.

Internally, she was a wreck. The deep needs were imploded by the events of the last 24 hours and everything was destroyed.

“Run,” her internal voice was telling her. “Just go.”

Her thoughts kept spiraling downward. “Nothing he can say can fix this,” she kept churning over and over in her mind. Gwen kept going back over the intensity of the pain, the trigger that caused and how it kept cycling through and through. Her anxiety was kicked up a notch. Her depression sinking her into the ground. “The fucking dildo. Why? Why? And what the fuck is cockgratification? What’s that shit?”

Gwen’s anger was causing dark clouds to re-emerge. Any progress and hope done in the bathtub was almost completely erased.

Unbeknownst to her, M had come into the living room and sat off to the side. Embarrassed that she missed him coming in, she drew her robe closed even more. The body language alone was enough for M to know that she was still having a hard time processing.

He leaned forward, clasping his hands, his gaze was downward as he collected his thoughts.

“Regardless of what you’re going through internally, I am proud of you.” He spoke.

The words shot through her, the internal bleeding continued. “How could he say that?” she wondered.

“But there’s clearly something else happening here.” The words resonated within her.

“We agreed from the onset that we’re dedicated on a path together and that path meant a very strong communication process that creates that strong foundation. So. I’m asking that we re-establish our communication so we can begin working on the deeper issues.” M said calmly.

The emotions and feelings swirled once more within her. Almost conflicted, Gwen let out a sigh, but didn’t speak. There was no way she could make things out clearly through the cacophony going on inside her head.

“I can’t articulate what I’m feeling or what I’m going through. I feel damaged, broken and otherwise destroyed.” She tried to articulate. Tears began welling up. “I feel like a failure. That somehow me being broken means you wouldn’t want someone like me.”

“You do remember that I was the one that broke you – and that it was by design that I broke you, right?” M asked rhetorically. Gwen nodded slightly, but still wasn’t buying it totally.

“I’m still broken, who wants that?”

“I do.”

“Why?” she asked.

“So that I can help restore you, bring you back, then repeat it again tomorrow or next weekend or whenever. Wash, rinse, repeat.”

“Why?” she asked again.

“Because this was the type of relationship dynamic we both sought. It speaks to us regardless of how horrifying it is. We find we need light in the darkest corners of our mind and sometimes there is no light to be found. And that’s okay. That’s okay because we’re here in this darkest abyss together – and we can overcome the darkness – together. It’s sometimes where we live. What we want and that’s we we crave so deeply and profoundly.”

“I’m not sure I can do this.” She said under her breath, her gaze drifting downward, away from him.

Silence formed once again. M studied Gwen, feeling her energy before sensing there was something else at play here.

“That’s not all though, there’s more isn’t there.” M asked. “Something hit you at the core and had a really bad reaction internally. It triggered you somehow in ways that broadsided you and sent you into the ravine.”

Gwen remained silent, but her head came up slightly as she pondered that. M was well aware of her past, but nearly everyone he knew had some past, some demons that needed wrangling. All of us are broken, most of us remain that way unknowing how broken we are until the right set of circumstances shines that light on the cracks and crevices. This type of mental mindfuckery is ripe for that light to shine on our imperfections, previous damage, self-speak and other self-doubt issues that we accumulate over the years.

She nodded gently.

“Do you know what the difference here, today is?” M asked. Gwen turned her green-eyed gaze over at him to listen. “You’re with someone who doesn’t see you as an unwanted, abused woman damaged by the constantly onslaught you’ve faced throughout the years. You’re with someone that has the same wants, craves and desires you do. Someone who walks with you, hand in hand, by your side as we traverse into the darkness only to come out the other side.”

Gwen shook her head slightly. “You made me broken though. I didn’t need to go through that for your so-called ‘cockgratification’ bullshit.” She said candidly.

M couldn’t help but grin as he looked down. “Yeah, I’m an asshole, I fully own that.”

She wasn’t amused, insert hashtag #jokefail. M sensed that and changed to a more serious tone.

“I’ll be equally straightforward. You crave this shit – despite the crap you’re internalizing right now, it’s the same things you’ve masturbated to long before our paths crossed, so …” M dangled out there.

He’s right. It’s one thing to masturbate to someone’s “plight” but it’s an entirely different thing to experience it first hand. Porn gives us all the illusion of the “plight” – but the obvious reality is that for the most part, much of it is fake, staged and otherwise thoroughly negotiated to the point where it’s a paid contract to set things up. Dealing with an intense, breaking scene like the one she went through is a whole other enchilada altogether.

“Just because we’ve made it real, doesn’t mean you have no value or worth or self-worth. You’ve taken something very demoralizing and difficult – only to overcome it and emerge on the other side. You may not feel it now, but coming out – where you did – and where we are, can actually be empowering.” M offered.

“Empowering?” Gwen chided back. The scoff was almost disrespectful, but M was giving her enormous latitude as she continued to search for answers and meaning at this point.

“You may not see it right now. You may try to dismiss it – but I promise you some day you’ll see it. It’s not the funyon ‘oh sir beat me please’ standard you’ve been used to – but nevertheless your outlook on kink and the stuff we do has changed dramatically.” M explained.

She accepted that because as the linear side of history goes, she’s made substantial gains through her own kink path – so the belief that she’ll look at this differently later on was entirely if not completely accurate.

Gwen looked downward, but remained in the line of sight with him. She was processing and maybe things were starting to make sense to her. Maybe not completely over it or at a place of resolve, but the wheels weren’t spinning as much as they did before.

Silence was now settling in again as she contemplated what they talked about. The energy was no longer as divisive as it had been earlier. There was some calmness as the day wore on.

The sun gradually added additional shadows as it worked itself through the sky. The light landing on walls, moving, inching across as the day wore on.

Gwen found herself achieving some inner peace. M sensed it.

Her gaze kept flicking back and forth to him, then away from him as she sought to understand what feelings were swirling around her. When her gaze looked over at him, he was either looking down in front of him or catching the brief glance with a small warming compassionate grin.

Calmness was settling in and she found herself incredibly exhausted.

Still clutching her chain – she grabbed the end of it with her left hand – then outreached it to him.

M felt very overwhelmed by the gesture – reaching for and taking the chain – gently standing as the motion included her to follow him – back into the bedroom.

Owned.

Kept.

Loved.

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