Forget the Sticks and Stones

Being Mean To Minds by mia

Sticks and stones may break your bones but names can actually really hurt you! This is a write up of the recent demo and discussion i did which explored some emotional sadism and masochism, using tools like humiliation and degradation and looking how to get the most out of it whether a bottom or a top.

Whilst some of this comes from my experiences and perspectives as a female submissive, i’m confident that most of this information would be suitable for people of any gender, role and relationships status. I will be using the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ to cover the ‘doer’ (or bully!) and ‘doee’ (or victim!) and these terms will hopefully cover all sorts of kinksters from fetishists, sadomasochists and those involved in D/s interactions and relationships.

No offence is meant in any of what i say below, so if any terms, labels or topics are sensitive to you or offend you, please either don’t take offence, or let me know and if appropriate i will amend.


I believe emotional sm and humiliation is a RACK activity rather than an SSC one. I don’t think this is a safe thing to do. However, you can make yourself aware of the risks of being mean to someone’s mind or having someone be mean to yours by thinking about the sorts of things that you definitely couldn’t or wouldn’t want to touch on and the sort of experiences and feelings you’ve felt in certain situations before. Also be aware that there might be things you’re not yet aware of and you (top or bottom) may react to things you hadn’t even considered before.


Whatever your relationship status, from friends, to play partners, to boyfriends, to fuck buddies to married or civil partnered for years, whatever – you need to give and get consent for this activity.

It’s important that for any bottoms who want to experience this you are PRO-ACTIVE in giving consent. This means letting your top know you’re up for it, what sorts of things you’re interested in or that you’d be happy for them to explore this with you. If you’re a single bottom, or do not have any arranged play sessions, then perhaps having something on your profile would be a good way to introduce this sort of play into your life.

Tops who are interested in this need to be cautious when seeking consent, as unlike more physical sm, the question itself could be hurtful, dangerous or shocking to the bottom, as well as potentially ruining the atmosphere a bit.

When you’re both discussing, giving or seeking consent it’s important to consider when you’re going to do this sort of scene. You should both consider how you’re going to understand removal of consent once the scene is under way. Will there be a stopword? Will tears signal the end? Be careful employing CNC in this sort of interaction if you do not know how each other might react as you don’t want to harm anyone (permanently), just hurt them (temporarily) and unlike physical marks a cane or flogger might leave, it’s more difficult to see any damage being caused.

You might not be successful first time round in trying this. Make sure that you seek or give consent for further scenes if this is something you want. Don’t assume that having done it once that your top or your bottom will be comfortable or able to do it again.


There are different categories of things you can experience. I put these into ‘verbal’ (words) and ‘physical’ (using the body). Either of these can play on reality or role play. I would urge using more caution with reality and make sure people can handle this sort of interaction by discussing things before and afterwards honestly and openly.

For me, something that is hot is something which is real. I need to feel like the person being sadistic really feels the things they are saying to me otherwise i don’t get anything out of it. However, as i couldn’t take being belittled or insulted all the time, i also need to know they still value me or find me attractive on some other levels or at some other times. If the sadism was constant, i feel it would be damaging, and well, that’d be shit.

Verbal examples

  • Calling them out on being a ‘whore’, ‘slut’, etc – tell them what you’re doing to them, or getting them to say what they’re doing to you, etc
  • Talk about their genitals – too small, too ugly, not satisfying, smelly, not as nice as so-and-so’s, etc
  • Call them sick/perverse – Be shocked that this is what they’re into, receiving pain, bondage, etc, asking what their mother would think if she could see them now
  • Cuckhold/cuckqueen – not poly in the nice sense, but saying how much you want to fuck someone else, or explaining how much better it is with someone else
  • Exploit their gender – male/female supremacy, explore their own issues with gender and twist them
  • Call them worm – worthless, useless, no one wants you, good for nothing, etc
  • Mock or be disgusted with their appearance – Weight, beauty, hair, racial differences, etc

Physical examples

  • Drooling – gags, pegs on tongues
  • Forced excersize – naked, jiggly bodies, sweat, unfit
  • Clothing – sissification, no underwear, different styles
  • Writing on people – lipstick, pen
  • Using sexual give aways – wettness, erections, chastity
  • Watersports – drinking, pissing on, making them piss themselves, using cat trays

There are loads of other ways you can be mean to people without causing their body pain, so if you want to add some below this, then go for it 🙂


Check in with each other, tops especially check in with your bottoms, pretty soon after the first or first few initial scenes.

Reassure the bottom that you don’t think that at all if you’ve been role-playing, or that you still respect them/find them attractive if you’ve been playing with real issues. Do this LOTS for the first few times, but be careful not to spoil things by being too gushing too soon.

Discuss things openly and honestly some time after the scene where you can discuss what went well, what was too painful or hurtful, what was too soft, what was hot, what wasn’t.

In summary

  • Seek and give active consent
  • Think about how you and your partner(s) might feel during this
  • Try a verbal or physical (or combo!) methods of humiliation/emotional sm
  • Have fun (or don’t!)
  • First time, check in afterwards quickly
  • Follow up after care for everyone, be subtle or overt and try to think about how you might prefer this before you do the scene

I hope this was of use to you 🙂

copyright mia © 2013 – No portion of this article may be reproduced without the written permission of the author.  Original essay on FetLife.