Expected Guilt, Unexpected Help

Tonight, I came home exhausted to Sir and danae. As I sat down to dinner with them, I couldn’t even form a coherent thought, I was so tired. I began eating the delicious asparagus leftovers, then realized I hadn’t asked permission to eat. This is one of the very first things I learned with Sir.

In frustration and sadness, I threw what was left of the piece of asparagus I had taken a bite of back onto my plate, cussing at myself. I felt my heart sink and the tears well up inside my throat. I had done the same thing last night when we were out to eat. Where was my head? I know I’m tired, but this is such a simple task. My chest hurt and I was afraid to look over at Sir. I did not want to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes.

I had to look, though, for what is an apology if you can’t look the person in the eyes? After a moment of sitting with my head hung in shame and frustration at myself, I took a deep breath, gathering my courage, looked up at him, and said, “I’m sorry.” – those words that are so inadequate, so miniscule in the face of what I feel he deserves.

I did not expect to find a matter-of-fact look on Sir’s face. I did not expect a nod of acceptance to my apology. Where was the sadness? Where was the disappointment? Where was the guilt trip? Where was the anger? Where was the punishment I deserved?

Instead of all of that, Sir calmly said he may have an idea on how to fix ‘this’ and that it was going to cause a reorganization of how we do things. I half-laughed, saying, “I’m scared,” as my brain frantically ran through all sorts of scenarios as to what he may be thinking of – none of them pleasant. He explained that it was something he had been thinking about for the last few days – one that was brought up at this last weekend’s ‘mental domination’ class given by Lady Marquetta and Slave Leonis. Sir explained that one of their protocols is when Leonis first sees his Mistress each day, he falls to his knees and kisses her feet. They had explained it was a way to reset. It is used to move Leonis from his independent state of being required by the world, to a place of surrender within Lady Marquetta’s presence.

Sir explained that he thought I might need that transition–a resetting from the concerns and burdens of the world (i.e., a successful administrative assistant, independent woman looking after her house) to that of surrender. He thought maybe we could find a protocol that would work for us both in private and in public (something subtle to be used when he visits me at the office, etc.). He then gave me permission to eat.

My chest continued to burn and was now in conflict with the relief and love I was feeling at his reaction. I slowly took a few bites to eat, contemplating this unexpected turn of events. My respect and admiration for Sir overwhelmed and virtually eliminated my self-imposed shame. I looked up at him in loving wonder. He noticed and inquired. I explained that I hadn’t expected such a reaction. He asked if I expected him to be angry. I nodded my head. He shook his.

danae chimed in and explained that Sir’s philosophy was to look at the why of a situation. Why was I forgetting? He understood that I wasn’t willfully doing it or looking for some kind of negative attention. He knows me enough to know that isn’t who I am. He was trying to figure out the cause and possible solutions. Sir was looking for a way to help me, rather than a reason to punish me. He basically took me by the hand and asked me what I thought of this alternate path versus the one I was on, and then offered to walk it with me holding my hand.

So different than the guilt I felt and the disappointment I expected. Sir helped me replace my inadequacies, fears, guilt, and shame with a positive hope and path forward. It seems to be a way of encouraging my growth, not a forceful tactic or threat to get obedience. It was a friendly hand to assist in my betterment in my chosen path of surrender. Amazing.

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