Why is there such a stigma that surrounds this topic?
Why is it that there’s such an emphasis over how a submissive or a slave is trained, yet there’s very little out there about Dominants learning process? Is it because all Dominants are just supposed to knowhow it’s done, therefore it’s okay? Or is it because we’re afraid of standardizing the process and hence, affecting the individuality of a Dominant’s place in the lifestyle?
What we’re left with is an incredibly dysfunctional way in how Dominants approach the lifestyle — because oftentimes they enter it on the heels of some latex fantasy video scene they watched at a bachelor’s party or on HBO. Oftentimes newer Dominants go by what they read, what they watch, and what they want. More than naught – they go by fiction, a story, or some wet dream conjured up by some erotica novice.
But this doesn’t just apply to newbies — and it’s getting increasingly painful to watch some of the more established Dominants create some nearly impossible situations with their relationships and associations. At some point I’m watching Dominants change their entire philosophy and approach that causes a severe Dominance Imbalance. We’re not talking about a choice of green beans versus carrots for dinner: we’re discussing becoming poly when their original relationship is not ready for one.
Yet when we turn to the Internet for help — there aren’t many resources out there. There’s a notable absence of well-established material geared for Dominants. While we can easily find such material covering the “212 Rules for a Dominant” or the Dominant’s Creedo as interpreted in the world of Gor — we lack good resources that can assist would-be Dominants towards a life of understanding the reality of their decision and how they can apply their wet-dream readings in a realistic environment.
But – herein lies the fundamental problem: how can we assert a realistic practice of the Dominance Arts without removing the individuality of the Dominant?
The Dominance Arts has nothing to do with how to flog, how to execute a rope harness or how to construct your own spreader bar. No. The Dominance Arts I’m thinking of contain such subjects like: how to apply Dominance in your relationship in a practical manner, how to secure the physical and mental health of your submissive or slave, decision-making 101, bend or break: the reality of making him/her into your own or even practical Dominance in an impractical world.
Nothing incredibly pornographic – just a clear cut, idealistic discussion and basis for raising the standard of Dominance within the lifestyle. Afterall, if we take a look at what danae referenced during her Servant’s Retreat – a light bulb might go off because this is it the kind of that submissives and slaves do already. There are discussion groups, forums, classes and even retreats!! And yet the emphasis is placed on trying to make the submissive better when the reality of it is: the Dominants are really the ones that need these classes and retreats.
Of course I can already hear the following:
“Why would I need to go to a Dominant’s Retreat? After all, I know what I want and how I want things done, isn’t that enough? Besides, I know I’m right and that’s all that matters…”
Well let’s look at just some of the problems that most Dominants face:
The Fallable Infallibility Problem
Ahhhh… Absolute Perfection… It’s that point when we find someone who is completely incapable of recognizing, incapable of identifying much less admitting their faults and other idiosyncrasies. It’s a voracious attempt of running full speed blindly through a china shop without tipping over a single plate, glass or a salad fork.
To be Infallible – means that you’re always right, always perfect and seemingly resilient to doing anything partially or completely wrong. It’s this corruptible attribute, the wide-spread perception of what it’s supposed to mean to be a Dominant; that inevitably exposes the greatest fallacy of all: we’re still human and we remain human despite having the associative Dominant super-powers that are perceived within the lifestyle.
But we have jobs. We have stresses. We have chinks in our armor. We have lapses of sound judgment. We err. We make mistakes. We’re all of a sudden not perfect.
And just like that: Absolute Perfection is not so absolute anymore.
Absolute Control and the mystery of the lost sock
It’s part of that same mis-perception problem that says that Dominants must remain in absolute control all the time. The adage: “What may work on paper almost never works in reality” aptly applies here as well. Because as My life gets turned upside down with the daily messes that ensue, I rely heavily on danae to fill in the blanks when My mind is focused on the other 60 things that are happening at that moment. I have to rely that she will make decisions that are in My best interests – and before that can happen she first needs to *know* what those interests are. Because as much as I would enjoy micro-managing her every movement, it’s simply impossible to do this plus work, pay bills, meet other obligations and then deal with all of the other stuff within the confines of normal, everyday existence.
Being real about absolute control and to define it, ensures that we’re mitigating the problems and obstacles as much as we can. Doing this assures our property that we have the foresight to execute such decisions in the scheme of the relationship, for the overall health of ourselves and for the quality of life we intend to develop.
Foresight, a Look into Tomorrow’s Weather
The whole concept of cause and effect is greatly under-used because we tend to forget that it’s even there. But if you look to a decision you made a year ago – in some sort of existentialisistic way. When you look at the chain of events that transpires from a single decisions – the effects may be profound or insignificant. Even the decision itself may not seem completely notewothy even though it would eventually unleash an enormous result at some point down the road.
Just like the weather: sometimes we can predict the outcome of our decisions, sometimes we can’t. But if we look inward and focus on the foresight of a choice or a decision, then the outcome doesn’t necessarily matter so as long as it was made for the common good of the situation. Submissives and slaves heavily rely on our ability to have foresight in the situation where they are involved. They trust that we make the best decisions and are looking out for their well-being as much as they look out for us.
The Mistaken Reality Condundrum
The classic: two girls leashed together and a guy…
The salacious: submissive on a leash peeing outside…
The irresistible: spread-eagled submissive tucked to bed…
How the fantasies abound…
Now before I go any further: fantasies are good. They are good because they conjure the creativeness. They invoke the deep feelings and in the right setting, they are able to come to life and become real.
Fantasies can also develop a deceptive sense of security. Forcing a submissive to masturbate at their desk may mean they lose their job. Peeing out in the parking lot at WalMart might welcome a citation. Dressing like a whore may inadvertently out someone to a neighbor, a friend or a relative. It’s the point when fantasies are struck down in reality, yet – there is a blindness that Dominants get when they try to implement a fantasy without carefully weighing all of the possibilities.
But the Mistaken Reality Conundrum doesn’t just apply to scene play or to a weekend soiree’. Sometimes we mis-place our judgment because we limit our view of the reality landscape and fail to see potential obstacles or issues coming into the picture. It can be in the form of an attitude: “I’m Dominant, hear me roar.” or can be to the inept: “you’re the slave, you figure it out.” Sometimes Dominants misplace their sense of reality because of the Infallability complex we’ve already talked about. Sometimes Dominants misplace it because they don’t have a strong sense of the status of the situation with their submissive/slave.
Grasping the elements of what is happening or what will happen is a strong step to fortify a strong relationship with a submissive/slave. It demonstrates: the foresight and the sense that the Dominant does have good control of what’s happening.
The reality of it is: Dominants have a much more complicated role than most others realize. Being a lifestyle Dominant means there are no vacations, you don’t turn it off and on, you are always “it”. And to do “it” well, requires dedication and full-time effort that does not stop.
The Ultimate, Gut Check Honesty Question
How far down this thing do I really want to go then? Whatever your answer, this becomes the blueprint of your place in the lifestyle spectrum. The policy of being honest with one’s self was never more important than at the stage of deciding how far one traverses into the lifestyle. Because regardless if you’re a weekend warrior, an occasional fetishist, or a diehard lifestylist – the ultimate, gut check honesty question should be the main question one answers themself first.
It’s important because when you’re putting your boots on, there’s no facade, no cloak and nothing to hide behind. You’ve become the genuine deal and that’s good all the way around. You’re you with all of the faults, imperfections and other attributes.
There’s a tendency to follow path known as “feeding the sub/slave frenzy.” It’s a classic example of a Dominant who is projecting themselves to be “all that and a bottle of wine..” The submissives and slaves all swoon and bat their eyelashes in unison for the Dominant. More than naught, however, it’s merely a projection, a facade, a lie. Because like a really beautiful looking car, what matters most is what’s under the hood. We don’t find the chinks, the blemishes, the baggage or the personality issues. The Projector is letting you see what he wants you to see and ultimately that begs the question what is being held back and removed from our view.
Being a good Dominant means that you are able to learn from mistakes, to apply the good, strong, rational decisions and to have the fortitude of maintaining balance in the midst of chaos. It’s real. It’s genuine. It has substance and an air of confidence.
Understanding the Whole Picture
Dispelling the myths and rumors are never easy, but knowing how the lifestyle constantly goes through a large influx of Dominants whose wiring doesn’t quite reach all the places it needs to go. I imagine that this is why the “Old Guard” does not want any association with the new “upcropping” of lifestylists and fetishists. For them, they understand the code and apply it to their daily regimen with consistency and discipline. I imagine when they look at the lifestyle today, we’re nothing more than a bunch of uncivilized freaks and weekend warriors.
And maybe you don’t have the desire to mimic the Old Guard or to live life in such a regimented manner.
That’s okay too.
But I understand how some Dominants rely on their “right of individuality” to excuse their behavior. I have to laugh. Then I cringe. And then I shrug. I laugh because they just don’t get it. I cringe because it’s another bruise for the lifestyle to endure. I shrug because no one else seems to want to step on someone else’s toes because it wouldn’t be proper.
And that’s the problem with these Dominants who miss the complete understanding of the whole picture.
Because if we don’t responsibly add our collectiveness with one another, we’re left floundering with those idiotic few who don’t have a clue. The concept of the Servant’s Retreat exposes a much deeper seeded issue with the Dominants in our lifestyle.
Because in the end, it’s not our servant’s with the issues…
© within Reality: Michael 2005 – all rights reserved