“torture my skin and my flesh and my mind and my soul.. leave me to dry up and blow away if not drenched in your thoughts. in your heat, in your heart, in your head…you empower my body…my being…my abundance…” beat me into oblivion by jewyl
Dark desires are something I have had with me for as long as I can remember. Some were more tame then others – some I want to really do and others are just masturbational fodder – such as being kidnapped by someone and becoming his slave. I think the first dark desire thoughts came from the bodice ripping/romance/harlequin novelettes. Then they grew darker…and darker…grew to being treated like nothing. Such thoughts would come to mind of being beaten down fists, forced to endure and suffer through a great many dark thoughts, mind controlled so that I became nothing, but what was before Him.
Those images taken from the romance novels grew into the darker desires of being degraded. I told myself that they were wrong, but then one day I came to accept – that for me – wanting and desiring dark desires did not make me a bad person. They were not wrong for me. The images are dark, deep and scream of non-consensual acts, but in my soul I feel and desire them so they are in essence consensual. And I don’t feel bad for wanting them.
The dark desires for me resonate of humiliation and degradation. It is the wanting to surrender those core pieces of the emotional masochist in me. It is the part of me that wants to be used and abused – be treated like nothing. I only seem to feel that part of me during use, abuse and being treated like nothing. It is a very yummy feeling for me. I don’t crave it as much as I used to, but I still have images that come to the surface. They are a part of me and I have come to accept that part of me.
Some of the things listed below I have done. Others are images I have never done and not sure I ever will as that is up to my Master.
Here are some snippets of images:
~~ Being pushed hard against a wall, slapped over and over again until you know the redness is going to be a bruise on my face so everyone will see me.
~~ Wearing a shock collar and being shocked for doing something wrong, but also for my Master’s pure enjoyment of seeing the fear and pain in my eyes.
~~ Being held under water. I have quite a lot of desires being held under water. I love breath play so that feeds those desires.
~~ Another one…being tied or bound in some way in the tub, rubber hood, blindfold, breathing tube and then covered in water
~~ Only allowed urine and cum to drink all day – and not allowed to eat food
~~ Fasting is a way of cleansing the soul in some religions and I have many fantasies about fasting for cleansing for the worship of my Master.
~~ Eating out of a dog dish 24/7 at home in private
~~ Being spit on in the face. Something I have experienced and I love the names usually called while being spit on and treated like nothing.
~~ To have marks – bruises always
~~ Being beaten and having wounds, but not having them treated right away and locked in a cage or closet.
~~ Not being allowed clothing, not being allowed on the furniture, not being allowed to speak until spoken too – and the whole time told why it is this way because I am nothing, trash and not good enough to be doing those things.
~~ Having to use a bucket for a toilet because I am worthless – I am only good enough to use a bucket
~~ Have writing on me in permanent marker slut whore pig and such lots of the time
~~ Raped – hurt – crying – forced with Master and/or men he chooses or more then one man – doing a gang bang again
~~ Any type of breath play – strangulation, choking, held under water
~~ Forced to urinate on myself privately and publicly (such as being in Wal*Mart and forced to piss on myself and continue shopping and check out)
~~ Treated like a dog – made to eat out of a bowl…sleep in a cage…no talking shocked if do by shock collar
~~ Being set up to fail over and over again. Feeling the lasting feelings associated with it.
~~ Being made to drink out of the toilet.
~~ Having my face shoved in the toilet and held there. Having my face held there and then fucked in the ass.
~~ Having my face shoved in there after He has urinated in there….drinking the piss-water.
~~ Being cut off from all outside contact of the world. Not knowing who is president or what is going on next door. Just being a slave is the only thing I know.
~~ Cigarettes…Used intentionally, with a couple of puffs between each touch, the lit end of a cigarette makes a nice, cruel way to leave one’s initials on a girl’s breasts for several weeks (and Master and I are not smokers)
~~ To be a good little ashtray and kneel there and push my breasts up for use
~~ Being told to stand, turn and bend over instead… and then stub it out squarely between those swollen wet labia.
~~ To be pinned down and spread legs and cunt lips…carefully tease that clit out and so it is swollen. And then burned with a cigarette.
~~ Being punched over and over again like a punching bag
~~ Being kicked in the cunt. I have had this done a few times and the feeling is there for days. Sitting is difficult. People will write they feel a spanking days after each time they sit. I never feel that. Maybe for the first hour – that is MAYBE. But being kicked in the cunt I do feel for days afterwards.
~~ Having a hot rod or some type of wire that has been heated – pressed to my clit
~~ Being used as a footstool or made into some object – not a person just a piece of furniture. Something that is used but never thought of other then when used.
~~ Being tied up outside and left for a while – going to my abandonment fantasies.
~~ Being used – abused outside far away where I could not escape if I wanted – I guess that goes to those kidnapping fantasies I had a young girl.
~~ Being bound, hooded, gagged with earplugs to get that deep sensory deprivation thing going on
These are just a few of the images that I see.