It isn’t just an easy formula. But I do think there are a few things a person needs to start. Self-esteem to me is one of the top ones needed before finding the one.
This is a quote from www.bdsm-online.com:
“The buck stops with you. You are the only one who can determine your self-worth. The way you see yourself and the way others see you which in turns affects you. We all want acceptance, crave company and recognition. You can change your self-esteem by changing the way you think about you. You deserve self-esteem. You need self-esteem. Self-esteem is power. Only you can build it and it comes from first accepting you are responsible for you. No matter what has happened, no matter what has been done, no matter what has been said. You have the will power within you to accept, forgive, change and move on. You deserve the peace of mind. “
Know who you are and then seek it.
Also remember like attracts like. Remember that scene from the first of the “Rocky” movies when he walks the young girl home trying to explain to her if you hang with deadbeats you become a deadbeat, hang with idiots you become an idiot, hang with criminals you become a criminal etc…well in my experience that is pretty close to the mark. Like attracts like. It is hard to move on because you won’t have the strength to drag them with you when you make the decision to change. You have to need it. You have to take the risk.
Compatibility is the key to making a relationship work. So if the only thing you can talk about is D/s – it is not good. If the only thing you have in common is D/s – that will not keep the relationship together long term. It’s much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend…take your time and be choosy.
I was talking to a Dominant when I was in the market so to speak. Anyway, I decided we did not have anything in common besides D/s. So it was time to say good bye and stop wasting his time and mine. He got further then some do because it seemed his basic beliefs in D/s were the same as mine. I said good bye – explaining that I didn’t think we had had anything in common. He would not take good bye as an answer. I told him that life has many components. D/s to me can be the foundation, but doesn’t mean we don’t have a wide range of interests that every vanilla person does. Such as we enjoy books, movies and leisure activities. I want to be with someone that enjoys – books, music, politics, religion and other topics that are of the everyday world. I want someone who was compatible with me across the spectrum not just D/s and sex. So this dominant I had been talking to said he wanted to keep talking to me because he felt we had lots of things in common. Again I insisted that I didn’t think that was true because all we talked about was D/s and sex. He asked to just answer one question and I said, “okay.” He asked what was my favorite color. I told him purple. He asked me why I liked purple and I explained because as a little girl it always made me feel good. He said, “Well then good I have always wanted a slave whose nipple I could pierce and I will do that to you and you will wear a purple nipple ring so you can always feel good.” He brought our conversation right into the sexual – D/s realm again. He couldn’t ask me one question without bringing it back to D/s and sex.
I need someone who will be compatible with me in many areas. Life has all sorts of everyday issues come up. I want to know how he/she will handle if he sees someone in need, I want to see how he/she handles himself/herself in a crisis — such as if we come home to the basement flooded, I want to know what makes the person laugh – do we have similar sense of humor so we can laugh together, I want to know that we can talk about politics and religion and not end up in fight even if we disagree….there is so much to life. I want someone who is compatible in all ways not just the lifestyle. It would be a pretty boring relationship if that is the ONLY thing we had in common.
This was an essay danae wrote in 1999, but it just sat in a file until 2002 when she was asked to talk at a BDSM meeting in Ohio. She revised it for that meeting.
© within Reality: danae 1999; Revised 2002 – all rights reserved