Changing Boundaries

We all change over time. Sometimes the boundaries we think are absolute are actually mutable. Accepting the universal understanding that ”all things change” is one step towards understanding how our thoughts, ideas and boundaries evolve over time. Recognizing this affect allows us to walk a more sustaining, dynamic path.

Our internal boundaries may not be realized until that boundary has been broached or revealed. For me over the years I have seen the scope and understanding of my boundary lines change. I once believed in the notion of limits and safewords, but as I’ve gotten to understand my enslavement I realize there might be things I don’t want to do, but I no longer have boundaries with Master. I’m not advocating that everyone needs to do away with boundaries, as everyone is different and that’s okay too.

One strong example of this deals with the idea of head shaving. There is an appeal because of the depravity, the reduction of one’s self and for me that concept is particularly hot. Whereas several years ago I would say head shaving was an “absolute internal boundary,” today I get very turned on by the mere thought of it. Does this mean I really want to have it done? I am not sure. That act invokes the deep emotional masochist within me – the love/hate relationship; specifically in the areas of humiliation and degradation. It’s an internal tug-of-war that is also quite mutable over time.

Now, if Master wanted to explore shaving my head, despite my misgivings and struggles with it, I would do it because he desired it. For me, that internal struggle sometimes creates a bigger turn on as it reinforces my place in my mind as well as bridges the need to be with someone who will explore those same dark images/areas. The act transforms into a desire because of what it symbolizes to me and how it’s internalized. The reality of being out in the world with a shaved head scares me (along with all of those similar things) yet it also turns me on at the same time.

Dominants have a similar mechanism, but I do not think of it in terms of boundaries. Master has several preferences and has a fairly narrow scope in how he wants to use me. Areas that are found in my own personal dark desires cache are not necessarily within that scope of what Master will do with me. That’s okay. Because ultimately what is important is that Master has the foresight when we approach areas and internal boundaries where my struggles and fears are. Instead of imposing his will, or forcing me to “just accept it,” he institutes a foresight approach where an act is anticipated so that it can be discussed and dealt with before hand. This minimizes the anxiety into more controllable portions.

One cannot underestimate the importance of knowing your partners through and through. The notion of “Master would never do X to me because it is a limit of mine” is not real in my world – as it’s not my place to decide. But this is where we took the time and effort to know each other in the beginning stages of our “courtship” (for a lack of better word). The process extended well beyond the discussion of kinks, dark desires and a general philosophy as it pertains to the lifestyle. It was important for us to discuss our worldly views on life, politics and what we wanted in a relationship because we both desired a permanent relationship that would last well beyond the confines of chain, whip, protocol and the lifestyle.

Not all internal boundaries have a love/hate attachment – some are wrapped around some painful emotional baggage I’ve had for years. Several months ago, Master went down on me. It is not something I enjoy. So, if he never had gone down on me – I would not have been upset. But it is something he desired and so he helped me get through it. He took things slow. By realizing how I react to some things, he put in place things to help me get through this…and well, when it came time and he went down on me, it wasn’t that bad. Am I desiring it? Did it automatically move from the boundary column to a desire column? No, but I also didn’t go through the same layers of panic as I’ve done in the past. That by itself is a huge step for me. Master’s foresight helped me get through this internal baggage I associated with receiving oral and he was very respectful of the deep emotional effect the act has on me. By instilling a caring, understanding environment, he helped me get through the situation and I believe it will become easier in the future, and maybe I will even desire it someday.

Another example…. One of Master’s favorite fetishes is hoods (latex, leather, full, open faced, no matter.) Before meeting Master I had no inclination or desire to be put in a hood. The mere thought of a hood going on terrified me. I had several issues ranging from feelings of claustrophobia, to fearing I wouldn’t be able to breathe, to the psychological, emotionless, featureless coldness about them. He started things off very slowly. He put on an open face hood — attached to no scene just laying there talking with the open face hood on. No sex, no other bondage, no s&m – just sitting there so that I can get used to them. As time wore on, he incorporated some elements, maybe some bondage, some light, controlled s&m, and some light touching.

He then moved to a very light see through cotton hood. Again things were taken at a very controlled slow pace, as just being in it and cuddling and talking with it on was a huge step. Master saw this and made sure there was no pressure. Each time one of the hoods would go on, he stepped it up a little more. Today, I’ve worked up to being in a leather hood with little slits for breathing. What was once was an internal boundary, has evolved into a desire. Hoods turn me on today when I remember a day when I never desired them. As I look at the more extreme hoods I get wet and dream about that day I can be in one. One day Master wants me in a fully sealed hood with only breathing tube. I’m scared, yet I’m wet at the same time.

It was important for me to realize that my internal boundaries have the ability to change over time.

However, this just doesn’t apply to hoods, bondage, or other activities within the bondage or sadomasochism arts – I’ve had several aspects of my M/s philosophy change over the years.

    • For instance, once upon a time I believed the philosophy that submission was a gift, but over the span of time I have a different understanding and perspective of what it means to me. I no longer subscribe to that belief. I have come into a different understanding and how it applies in my life.


    • Once upon a time, I thought I could never submit to a woman. I can and have since.


    • Once upon a time, I thought being a submissive just meant following rules and SM.


    • Once upon a time, I believed all the romantic M/s crap that I read online. It makes for good fiction, but hardly applies in reality.
    • Once upon a time, I thought being a slave meant never expressing my own opinion.


    • Once upon a time, I believed in SSC for myself. Today I believe in being aware of my risks, that edges that some say are unsafe and insane can be safe and sane for others, that consensual non-consent is a place I often end up and thrive in.


    • Once upon a time, I thought surrender would happen as soon as one was owned….oh boy did I fall hard on that.


    • Once upon a time, I thought service was just what the dominant told me to do. Now I have found out that often it is things that he never even sees that I do to enhance his life even without credit.


    • Once upon a time, I thought how things were in fantasy — could be reality 24/7.


    • Once upon a time, I thought that you could only be a slave, if living with the Master 24/7.


    • Once upon a time, I thought D/s and M/s couples had a deeper connection then vanilla couples.

These revelations should not be a reflection of anyone else’s path or journey. For some, SSC is how they define their limits and that’s fine. For myself though – I’m on a different path. It doesn’t make my path better or further along, it just means it’s different.

But as I scroll up and re-read all of these things, I think “oh brother what I was I thinking!?” In some instances I got too caught up in the whole “group think” mentality and did not pay attention to my internal workings. There are so many different dimensions of thought regarding any singular issue. And to me the most responsible thing is to review all the angles and pick what is right for each of us.

There are very few absolutes in life. By our very nature, things change over the span of time. Coping and understanding changes leads us to better grasp on the evolving path which lies ahead. If we’re rigid and resistance to change, then we do not grow and we subject ourselves to the potential for falling down like a fragile house of cards. Recognizing that we live within reality, we increase the probability of growth and understanding of ourselves, of our place in the lifestyle and life in general.

© within Reality: danae 2005 – all rights reserved