A Buttered Roll Crumbled My World

So here is02txt41 something that happened last week….just keeping it real….

I keep a butter dish on the counter most of the time.  On this particular night, we used the rest of the butter in the dish with dinner. So I decided to put the butter dish in the dishwasher and I didn’t get any more butter out. I thought I will get it out in the morning when I unload the dishwasher.

I needed to take a med before bed that I have to eat with so went to ask Master if I could have a roll with some strawberry jam on it knowing I don’t have any butter out.  Now normally I would ask Master if he wanted one and I did, but here is the thing…I really didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one.  I mean really – it was a strong feeling of not wanting to ask. The reason – I didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one because Master likes his roll with butter.  I knew there wasn’t any butter out.  Which meant I was going to have to do a few extra steps (ie: microwave the butter to soften it) to get him his roll. I didn’t want to do it.  I felt the emotions filling me up and I didn’t want to make his roll and serve him in that moment. I just wanted to get myself a roll, take my med and go to bed. I was in a lot of pain as I live with chronic pain, I was tired, and it had just been a long day so doing one more thing was the last thing my brain and body could wrap around and embrace.  It felt like one more thing was making my world crumble away at my feet with the weight of it.  So….that one thing was getting him a roll too.  Silly I know.

He said he wanted the roll. I made it up how he likes and served him it.  I was on the brink of tears as it just felt like I wanted to sit down and cry.  But I also was screaming with anger inside – anger I wanted to direct at him. Not good for a service-oriented slave. I was angry. I was raging inside – not something that is normal for me. Now were there reasons I had that attitude, thoughts and feelings? Yes, but in the end, those can’t be excuses and those reasons really don’t matter to me. I think it is good to trace it back and see where and how they started, but it doesn’t make that anger okay for me. What matters to me is that I had the attitude I did and how to move past it when it happens again.

Now of course, in the past, I have had days of thinking I am too tired and wish he would get that coffee himself.  But usually I move past it quickly by reminding myself I am his slave. It helps me think from my knees as his slave and remind myself that I do want to serve this man so go get the coffee and give it the intention of service.  Because my chronic pain has ramped up the last few months, my brain  is out of alignment and I am learning to cope with some changes in my service.  Just saying I am his slave was what made me go get the roll and serve it to him.  But anger came and that isn’t normal for me.  It surprised me and didn’t like. it

Like I said – I got him the roll. I got mine too, but I went to bed crying.  The main reason I was crying was because I was beating up on myself for not putting aside my anger while getting him the roll. One reason I was beating up on myself was because if I had just put the butter out in another dish earlier. It would have made getting the roll easier and I probably wouldn’t have been so bent out of shape, but I hadn’t so that was making me feel like I failed at serving him properly. Of course, like we often do when we love someone instead of facing our own failures we blame others, which leads to the other thing I was angry about. I was upset because I explained what was going on and he still made me get the rolls for him as it didn’t seem like a big deal to him – which of course it wasn’t a big deal, just my brain was making it a big deal. So I was angry at him. Now I would have been beating myself up 10 times more if he had told me to “forget it” or that he would get the roll himself.  So thankful he didn’t do that, but in the moment, I couldn’t get past my anger.

I am sure many people are reading this going “wow it was a fucking roll that bent you out of shape?”  Yep.  Totally irrational. Silly. Something I am fucking ashamed of letting get to me. But all I can do now is try to learn how to deal with the reasons that are causing the irrational feelings I am having and then how to deal with them when they come up again.

Do I know what I am going to do if it happens again…that swell of anger?  No. I am trying to add in some more moments of meditation to help me deal with the anger. Because ultimately my anger is about my chronic pain.  My chronic pain totally flipped my service upside down.  It will seem like I am really getting better and better at dealing with it and then I have moments like this that trip me up and make me look up from the floor going okay what happened.  It is hard to get up and keep moving forward.  But it is the only thing I can do if I want to serve him and I do. I can’t imagine a life without serving him.  Service is me. It is part of my identity.

So next time….I would love to say there isn’t going to be a next time, but I know better with living with chronic pain…next time I hope to take 5 deep breaths and remind myself where it is coming from and remind myself I am his slave.

Being of Service

Quote

This is from an old Daily Om horoscope, but thought it was a good one to keep around….

“Being of service to others can make us feel empowered. When you participate in making someone’s life better, you honor that person as well as yourself. As you exert your personal power in ways that benefit others, you derive a strong sense of fulfillment because you see how you have the ability to change the world for the better. When you’re of service to others, you receive their gratitude, which raises your self-esteem and revitalizes you. By being of service to others today, you can come to understand that even your smallest contributions to the world’s well-being have merit.”

Slave Skills

These were questions asked on A Place for Slaves on FetLife. It is a good group of slaves with good discussions. For this discussion the OP was asking only for active skills such as sewing or gardening so I don’t mention other skills such as being flexible (not physically, but more like rearranging my schedule on a moments notice because Master’s schedule changed and now he needs me to do something else.)

What skills do you possess that you have found to be beneficial to your slavery?

Domestic, household management, organizational, person assistant, girl Friday, web design, graphic design, research, travel planning/packing, entertaining, hostess, personal care, communication, arts & crafts, and sexual.  I have had quite a bit of life experience and personality traits that have been beneficial to being a slave.

What are some skills do you think could be beneficial in general to learn as a slave?

I think general domestic, communication, organizational skills are good, but really go with your passions. Building on them are a good place to start.

Did your master require you to learn any specific skills?

Yes he has to help him in his business learning various skills from filming to quick books.

If you knew you wanted to be a slave before being owned, did you go out of your way to learn skills you thought would be useful as a slave?

Yes, I have taken classes on massage, wine, cooking, natural cleaning, budget planning, menu planning – but many of these I wanted to learn and hoped I would find a way to put what I learned to use in serving.

How did you determine that you wanted to learn those specific skills?

Again I learned them just because I wanted to learn them. Every d-type is different so will need or want different skills…so just taking classes might or might not be of use in serving. But for me personally I like learning new things so that they ended up being things I could use was just a bonus.

Fantasy vs Reality

01ff35unexpectedboxMonday night  we came home after a busy day and had an amazing evening.  We had dinner and watched an episode of House of Card Season 1.  It ended with Kevin Spacey’s character telling Kate Mara’s character to take off her heels. The tone of his voice was so hot.  Made me squirm in my chair. I said, “oh that was hot” and then I said to Master how badly I wanted to suck his cock because it had turned me on. He told me to “get over here.” I knelt before him and gave him a blow job while Destiny knelt behind me with her hands laced behind her head.  We eventually all moved to the bedroom and had more fun. But we all remarked that every Monday should be this way.

After we three had fun, I bid Master and Destiny a good night as they moved to her house.  I even got to use one of Kaylee’s lines from Firefly.  “Bye now. Have good sex.”

So why I am sharing this….because our Monday night was how people often feel every night is here – being kinky and in a triad.  But it isn’t. We live our life within reality and reality is that we don’t have sex everyday. We don’t have kinky fun everyday. We have a strong foundation of our dynamics. But as a kinky triad we aren’t having kinky sex and play everyday. I am not locked in cuffs, hobbled or put in a cage when not in use. I am cleaning house, doing work for Master, figuring out how to get more storage out of the Master bedroom closet, working on the stain on destiny’s new yellow blouse, going through old papers to decide which is shredded and which are stored, working on my art, and doing all the little things that come up in daily life as a person and a service oriented slave.

Life has  responsibilities – a job to go to everyday, overflowing toilets, backed up sinks, bills to pay, beds to make, laundry to do and we are all working to keep this household moving forward.  It means that sometimes that just isn’t practical or efficient in serving, being locked in cuffs everyday.

But it also doesn’t mean that times like Monday night don’t happen. They do, but just not everyday.  We live life and sex and kinky fun happen when it happens.  We all went to bed with smiles on our faces and were thankful for a fun evening. Taking it when we can and going with the flow of life.

Little Things

Often it is the little things that make me smile…

Master walking by me, grabbing my hair tightly, and spinning me around to kiss me while I am doing dishes

Him whispering mine in my ear when we are standing in a busy checkout lane at the grocery store.

Being able to hand him the very thing he is looking for even though he hadn’t verbalized he was looking for it.  Seeing his eyes light up and smile at me like i am his good girl.

Sometimes it is very vanilla things like….washing dishes with a handmade dish cloth a good friend made.

Having 15 minutes of quiet after a stressful day.

A good friend texting out of the blue just because.

Tonight my domestic side was touched in that way.

This weekend we bought new sheet. I laundered them today and pulled them out of the dryer tonight to put on the bed. I started to look for that tag that hides in one corners, but instead saw a tag half way between corners. It read “side” – I squealed so loudly that Master thought something was wrong.  I replied in excitement that there were tags on all four sides marked: 2 marked sides, 2 marked top/bottom.  It made this domestic service oriented person smile and sigh with joy. I know it doesn’t really enhance Master’s life, but certainly makes my life easier in serving him.  Shaving time off wrestling sheets.

Question the Details

service3danaewhisperingThe other day Destiny wasn’t feeling well so she was tucked away in bed. She said she was feeling hungry so I asked what she wanted and proceeded to get it – cereal.  Before getting her cereal I asked her how much cereal to milk ratio she preferred….such as more milk or more cereal or maybe just about even on both.  Now I was just taking care of my girlfriend in this instance, but this can apply to serving too.

When I was first serving Kam (my former dominant) many many years ago, I made him a peanut butter sandwich and made it how I always made it.  I didn’t ask him how he liked his sandwich. It just never cross my mind to even ask him how he wanted it.  I just did what I was taught by my Mom and made it that way for him. He didn’t like it and expressed that to me. But before that moment,  it had never even occurred to me ask questions before making it. Now all these years into serving it is just natural for me to ask those type of questions.

I ask questions – lots of questions – milk to cereal ratio? how much ice to put in a soda, ice tea or another drink as I know someone who has ice in their milk? how much peanut butter needs to be smeared on the bread for a PB & J?  lightly toasted bread or almost burnt? how warm of water for a bath? one blanket on the bed or more?  one pillow or 4?  pasta al dente or mushy?  coffee placed on the left or right side of the person? coffee – cream and sugar – how much?  breakfast right after getting up or waiting? light or heavier breakfast? brush teeth before or after breakfast? squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the middle or end? wash cloth or shower scrubbie when bathing?  soap or shower gel? toilet paper going over or coming from under on the holder? eating certain dishes with a spoon or a fork? The questions are endless.

Make sure you think about process.  Are you making or doing something in a way the d-type prefers or are you just defaulting to how you usually make it or do it?  Little details can make all the difference.  So think about every things you do…go through the steps and process and to check if it matches the d-types preferences.  Such as making the bed.  A normal way to make the bed is tucking in the flat sheet around the foot and the sides, but Master doesn’t like it tucked in as he likes to kick it off his feet.  Making the bed “normally” wouldn’t be his preference – so I learned this by asking questions and observing his behaviors. Because really good service can be about all the little details.