So here is something that happened last week….just keeping it real….
I keep a butter dish on the counter most of the time. On this particular night, we used the rest of the butter in the dish with dinner. So I decided to put the butter dish in the dishwasher and I didn’t get any more butter out. I thought I will get it out in the morning when I unload the dishwasher.
I needed to take a med before bed that I have to eat with so went to ask Master if I could have a roll with some strawberry jam on it knowing I don’t have any butter out. Now normally I would ask Master if he wanted one and I did, but here is the thing…I really didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one. I mean really – it was a strong feeling of not wanting to ask. The reason – I didn’t want to ask Master if he wanted one because Master likes his roll with butter. I knew there wasn’t any butter out. Which meant I was going to have to do a few extra steps (ie: microwave the butter to soften it) to get him his roll. I didn’t want to do it. I felt the emotions filling me up and I didn’t want to make his roll and serve him in that moment. I just wanted to get myself a roll, take my med and go to bed. I was in a lot of pain as I live with chronic pain, I was tired, and it had just been a long day so doing one more thing was the last thing my brain and body could wrap around and embrace. It felt like one more thing was making my world crumble away at my feet with the weight of it. So….that one thing was getting him a roll too. Silly I know.
He said he wanted the roll. I made it up how he likes and served him it. I was on the brink of tears as it just felt like I wanted to sit down and cry. But I also was screaming with anger inside – anger I wanted to direct at him. Not good for a service-oriented slave. I was angry. I was raging inside – not something that is normal for me. Now were there reasons I had that attitude, thoughts and feelings? Yes, but in the end, those can’t be excuses and those reasons really don’t matter to me. I think it is good to trace it back and see where and how they started, but it doesn’t make that anger okay for me. What matters to me is that I had the attitude I did and how to move past it when it happens again.
Now of course, in the past, I have had days of thinking I am too tired and wish he would get that coffee himself. But usually I move past it quickly by reminding myself I am his slave. It helps me think from my knees as his slave and remind myself that I do want to serve this man so go get the coffee and give it the intention of service. Because my chronic pain has ramped up the last few months, my brain is out of alignment and I am learning to cope with some changes in my service. Just saying I am his slave was what made me go get the roll and serve it to him. But anger came and that isn’t normal for me. It surprised me and didn’t like. it
Like I said – I got him the roll. I got mine too, but I went to bed crying. The main reason I was crying was because I was beating up on myself for not putting aside my anger while getting him the roll. One reason I was beating up on myself was because if I had just put the butter out in another dish earlier. It would have made getting the roll easier and I probably wouldn’t have been so bent out of shape, but I hadn’t so that was making me feel like I failed at serving him properly. Of course, like we often do when we love someone instead of facing our own failures we blame others, which leads to the other thing I was angry about. I was upset because I explained what was going on and he still made me get the rolls for him as it didn’t seem like a big deal to him – which of course it wasn’t a big deal, just my brain was making it a big deal. So I was angry at him. Now I would have been beating myself up 10 times more if he had told me to “forget it” or that he would get the roll himself. So thankful he didn’t do that, but in the moment, I couldn’t get past my anger.
I am sure many people are reading this going “wow it was a fucking roll that bent you out of shape?” Yep. Totally irrational. Silly. Something I am fucking ashamed of letting get to me. But all I can do now is try to learn how to deal with the reasons that are causing the irrational feelings I am having and then how to deal with them when they come up again.
Do I know what I am going to do if it happens again…that swell of anger? No. I am trying to add in some more moments of meditation to help me deal with the anger. Because ultimately my anger is about my chronic pain. My chronic pain totally flipped my service upside down. It will seem like I am really getting better and better at dealing with it and then I have moments like this that trip me up and make me look up from the floor going okay what happened. It is hard to get up and keep moving forward. But it is the only thing I can do if I want to serve him and I do. I can’t imagine a life without serving him. Service is me. It is part of my identity.
So next time….I would love to say there isn’t going to be a next time, but I know better with living with chronic pain…next time I hope to take 5 deep breaths and remind myself where it is coming from and remind myself I am his slave.